Epsiode 22 Show Notes

Epsiode 22 Show Notes

Seriously though, people have no idea what’s in their “energy drink” and will just guzzle that stuff. The “triple aspartame” line is for Jack, who is addicted to Diet Pepsi like you would not believe. What’s wrong with Bordeaux?

Would not be at all surprised is the podcasts in the podcast bit actually existed. Having just attended the Podfest Podcast Conference in Orlando, Florida, it’s obvious that there’s a podcast for everything.

UNRELIABLE BUT AUTOMATICALLY-GENERATED TRANSCRIPT:

need a boost kick it up to 11 with
chippies energy fluid with even more
mystery chemicals than Red Bull and
monster combined chippies energy fluid
hydro freckle I calcium benzoate
chloride sodium flibble for the door
trapeze zoo – from a liposuction lemon
magnesium glucose iridium juice uric
acid tetracycline scientist Jim Duggan
triple aspartame juice sodium benzoate
dehydrogenated cat knuckles lacto cane
juice vitamin excuse X – a Buddha judge
klonopin iam sixteen juice gluco
carcinoma calcium by methyl de pasión
caffeinated spider fingers cookies red
dye number 12 fish nipple residue red
dye number 27 Piper gluten red dye
number 74 Antron floor I had much much
more
much more chippies energy fluent
chippies energy fluid drink the mystery
chippies you are listening to
questionable material with gentleman and
brian sack this episode family few news
myths other podcasts have you watched a
recent any recent episode of family feud
the one hosted by Steve Harvey Steve
Harvey no I only was I remember the ones
from the guy who hosted the Running Man
uh richard dawson I believe so okay I
almost said Richard Dawkins but that’s
completely dead would be a different
show and that might be a good ten gods
that don’t exist why so I was watching
family feud with my family is that’s
what you know that’s what you do it’s a
family thing it is and and I don’t want
them to be at war with each other so we
came together and watch this this thing
and the thing with the family feud with
Harvey with Steve Harvey is that it they
are kind of sexual other than yes it is
it can be somewhat filthy for just a
game show with families going against
each other it’s like the question was
named a part of your body that your
lover might lightly bite okay okay sure
so we’re just talking about people
biting each other’s bodies and so I’m
watching this with my kids right and my
wife and one of the guesses is your
private parts okay and my son goes oh my
god
like literally this is now Wow him
learning about successful fan sex well
yes like why would you bite your right
your lovers penis or vagina right why is
and I’m just he literally were sitting
there and some people are cannibals yes
I would rather even think that than to
have this conversation of like yeah oh
my gosh so I guess it’s not really a
family TV show it isn’t and then they
always just have these like euphemisms
like you know it’ll be like they’ll have
like four penis and and the thing
come on bing it’ll be my schlong dong
are you serious that’s 100% no Puritan
by any stretch but that just sounds
weird for family feud for a family feud
that it’s always these you know um
you’ll have to guess like you know name
a part of your body that might be
covered up with a swimsuit or paint
exactly
really or it’s a you know the guests
will say my breasts okay show me breasts
ding my tat has it’s serious like Oh
thousand promises Ernie it’s so corny a
little bit weird and so it’s a little
bit weird watching that with my my kids
yeah maybe it’s not kids TV yeah I guess
it isn’t but like now I have to explain
why you know some of you would nibble on
your nibbly bits yeah one of corporate
thing about what the answers have to be
I mean it’s gonna be a Pirlo but all
that stuff cierto it’s it’s just it’s a
foreplay thing yeah lip beer Lobo no no
nipples nipples is that a nipple any of
all these things just sort of like a
weird thing to it’s it’s was an
accelerated discussion of sexuality with
mice nine-year-old boy awkward super
awkward wow that’s weird I don’t think
it was like that back in the Dawkins
days know what more or the Datsun were
it wasn’t like that back in the Dustin
did you know I was on family feud right
what I was on family feud you were on
fat you and your family we’re on family
feud yeah that’s awesome yeah let’s can
do you have a copy is it on the Internet
I have a VHS tape copy of me young
family phew oh my gosh let’s play a
let’s play a clip let’s put the olan to
put the tape into the VCR machine okay
[Music]
it has to no I know it’s Wow okay okay
almost ready Wow boy this and this
machine was $3,500 back in the day
oh no kidding yeah wow that’s a lot of
my when did you buy your VCR oh god
2012 oh oh yeah they should be like $70
at that point they’re expensive yeah
back in like 1982 when divorced that
went to worse by oh it was the best bike
competitor chain they’re gone now
they’re bankrupt
oh yeah it’s fleecing customers I would
imagine though that’s a good way to stay
in business for a long time yeah no I
worked briefly but you were your return
customer oh yeah I was in there
shucks club that’s what they call it
schmuck points well they were really in
your face about 350,000 schmuck points
Wow how did you collect like what sort
of products did you buy that collected
you so many points well a VCR for one
uh-huh
dot matrix printer oh my gosh yeah
tube televisions uh-huh oh is that your
TV over here that weighs 300 pounds yeah
yeah that’s cool about 12-inch yeah yeah
of corded telephones as you can see all
over the house yeah everywhere are
strings of cords first of all that’s the
Schmucks Club you don’t need this many
phones in just a living room just
usually one will suffice you know they
say that but then this way you kind of
feel like your cordless cuz you can pick
up one phone and then run to the next
one and pick it up and you can move oh I
see
well that’s the good the cordless thing
is what’s nice is you can take it with
you but if you have corded phones all
over a room you don’t you also don’t
have to get up to get your phone right
well you can just pick it up walk over a
little bit and then pick up the next
phone and kind of leave this trail Oh a
trail yeah that way you can get yourself
a cup of coffee yeah or go to the
bedroom or come back here the problem is
all the phones are then off the hook and
they’re just picking up all the ambient
noises of my cat farm how is the cat
farm going by the way it’s it’s pretty
good
you know a lot of litter boxes hmm yeah
a lot of the big portion of the day is
scooping it down I’m gonna be honest
with you you know I love you but it does
not smell good in here no I know I’ve
been told that by the neighbors mmm so
the neighbors can can smell it through
the ceiling yeah and apparently they’re
well aware that you’re not allowed to
have a cat farm in your apartment New
York City rules no board should be
telling you you can’t have a cat farm
I’m a libertarian and I’m your I’m
telling you I’m gonna have a cat farm in
my apartment what what do you do with
the cats that you farm well I put them
up in good homes or restaurants the orin
orin Rhett you you donate them to
restaurants to like search for mice
something yeah like mice protection or
some you know some places are known for
cat meatballs can’t meatballs yeah
apparently what any restaurants we know
funny and this is probably gonna get me
in trouble but the vegan shwarma place
no yeah it’s not vegan and it’s not
shwarma oh my gosh yeah that seems like
it’s all the ugly cats that I can’t sell
to
regular people oh my gosh how long do
you have them on the market before you
deem you can’t sell them that give him
24 hours oh I can’t find a buyer they’re
off to vegan shawarma you got to give a
cat more than 24 hours I mean you can’t
I’m like they something if they’re born
on a Friday they have the weekend okay
it sometimes it takes a family a couple
days to get their stuff in order to be
able to come down and visit the camp
that’s why I have a countdown clock so
anybody at any time I have a prospective
buyer I give them the countdown clock
and I say there you go
if you like it let me know have you ever
had a family come and have their there
Kitty gone yeah well I mean one it was
really traumatizing for them because
they were a little late their bus was
delayed as always in the city yeah and
they’re getting her just as the cats
leaving and all this guys taking it to
vegan shwarma and so he’s walking
through the hallway and they hear the
meow and they the kids even recognize
the meow of the cat oh my gosh you know
really that attached to it yeah and so
they turn in is that Marvin Oh Marvin
Acadia they named a kitty mark they had
already mean it yeah yeah it’s very cute
and then I’m like yeah that’s Marvin you
guys are three minutes late and the
parents just look to meet you I mean if
if looks could kill what would have been
so dead you would have been so the kids
all burst in the tears uh-huh and I said
you guys are three minutes late and I’m
sorry but that rules are rules rules man
you got to follow rules I have well
that’s a good lesson for the kids like I
bet those kids now are 15 minutes early
wherever they go for the rest of their
lives
and well they were 15 minutes early –
vigan shwarma oh they even they had
lunch you sent them – yeah bait but did
they know oh no I didn’t tell him you
just said I know you guys are sad let me
send you – I gave him a local player I
had a gift card so I directed them there
yeah it was funny I don’t know if that’s
super funny it seems that it seems a
little say why not I mean with at three
minutes difference I mean I know rules
are rules but you could have just
released the cat nope
rules are rules rules are rules so 24
hours and then they’re they’re off – the
cat meatball farm hmm yes and what sort
of them what sort of money you uh you
pulling in from this cuz I mean I’ll say
right now you can really hear all the
cats in here we have a cat filter on
this yeah but this is what the apartment
sounds like without a microphone filter
here
so how many cats would you say they’re
in here right now brain I mean based on
my math 3600 it’s hard to tell
talk to every hard to sleep hard to
washing dishes hard to go to the
bathroom but yeah it really is
gosh there’s so many cats like to walk I
have toxoplasmosis all over me man Allah
my wife keeps having miscarriages she’s
not even pregnant and they’re just actua
plasmosis just triggers miscarriages of
course it does so she’s just instead of
having her period she like has to just
that instantly has a miscarriage
instantly the second an egg yeah I was
close to dropping it just whoa yeah I
wait every morning like how’d you sleep
she’s like I just had another
miscarriage this is crazy that’s so sad
so much toxoplasmosis man well it’s
worth at all them and if you’re if
you’re can if you can make one family
happy and or make some good cat
meatballs it’s kind of all worth it
exactly the smile on somebody’s face
when they’re petting air eating a cat is
just know it’s heartwarming that’s what
you do it for men yeah that’s what you
do it for see I mean the money also
helps but it’s also the smile on
people’s faces
okay in so in what order would you put
your like your top things that you get
out of having your cat farm well I mean
money if I’m being honest to pay for the
cat farm is expensive cats are finicky
they want high-end food litters
expensive yeah and then I guess the
happiness of watching somebody eat a cat
meat bail cuz I he gives me like a
perverse thrill I guess in a way okay I
kind of like knowing that they’re eating
cat they don’t know I so they think
they’re eating um being informal yeah
and I’m just like sucking double sucker
Wow and then third would be the look at
my face yeah okay love that okay you
know we learn a little bit more about
you each episode Breanna and show really
a band you too all right we’ve got the
VCR loaded up let me get this cat off
get off of here we have the VCR loaded
up let’s play the clip of your family
are you excited to hear your family feud
clip uh I did very poorly
oh I’m sure yeah I’m sure you did great
I’m sure yeah I know I did poorly no no
you’re too
because you’re Hardy you’ve always been
hardened yourself look let’s just let’s
listen to your clip on family whew is
this win um at what point is this this
was the family my family had already won
pretty much and this was the the fast
money segment oh so so you’d beaten the
other family and now this was your
chance to win like the $20,000 yeah we
beat the stables oh cool
ha ha stick holes you yeah so we beat
the stables and then it was my chance to
add 25 thousand to the to the tab oh
this is great ok let’s take a listen
okay all you need is one point and you
and your family will go home with
$25,000 oh boy oh boy okay okay we’re
gonna put 25 seconds on the clock okay
time starts when I’m finished reading
this first question here we go we asked
100 married men what’s the one gift you
want the most for your anniversary a new
life name a popular crayon color Vulcan
blood green what’s something to bring to
an office Christmas party
Viper’s okay name one of the Beatles
Pass name someone you’d invite to your
child’s sixth birthday party Henry
Kissinger name one of the Beatles Pass
this is the only question left name one
of the Beatles go Brenda that’s your
wife
time’s up yeah that’s difficult to
listen to I told you I did terrible so
you had one hundred ninety nine points
and you couldn’t get one point yeah name
Naima Naima Beatle what about him okay
never mighty so you know what I see that
this is embarrassing for you very
embarrassing I did terrible I would like
to give you a chance of redemption
I would like to redemption oh that’s
good not quite the way I could forget it
here is your chance I’m gonna read you
some family feud questions that I found
online okay and this is your chance to
show that you’re actually really good at
this oh I am good at this okay
so I’m gonna just read you these you’ve
not you’ve not heard these before nope
so here we go okay ready hit me okay
name a reason you might get rid of an
old family heirloom Columbia definitely
something many people do just once a
week wave like wave with their hands
yeah okay name a reason a person might
wake up at 2:00 in the morning jazz
name something you might eat with a
hamburger Harvey Fierstein name
something you haven’t done since high
school gym class Harvey Fierstein how
much do you tip for good service three
inches who is the most popular character
on the sitcom friends whiskers tell me
something you can buy that cost a dollar
or less a miracle name a country that
speaks Spanish America a name a liquid
in your kitchen that you hope no one
ever accidentally drinks
Margaret name something that breaks down
my wife name a famous wizard Wonder
Woman we asked 100 men if you were
dating a woman how much weight could she
gain between dates without you noticing
nothing we’re gonna get letters how many
pairs of socks does a fast-food worker
wear in one week
what’s the question how many pairs of
socks does a fast-food worker wear in
one week two for the hands name another
word for book Kendall what is the most
stressful thing in the life of a 25 year
old woman stalker name a specific piece
of furniture that might be handmade
Laser tell me whose name a young man
might have in his tattoo Wow okay that’s
he’s upside down then it’s mom
name a character from gum do i Brian you
got one what that was the first one in
all those questions mom the number one
answer all right you’re so good at this
I told you man the number one answer
with 33 well I said wow but if the guy’s
upside down it’s mom well yeah and you
wound up saying this so you got it the
judges gave you that one all right 33
points in your family would have had 232
points and you would have won the
$25,000 okay great job thank you you’re
really good at this Thanks
yeah Wow does that mean I get the
$20,000 that I lost the first time
around again I’m gonna guess probably
not there’s a statute of limitations
yeah that’s what that’s what those are
for okay
but you could certainly petition the
show I might send a letter to Richard
Dawkins Richard Dawson that’s right
mm-hmm he probably isn’t with us anymore
he retired he and Jack Welch are playing
golf right now somewhere Oh in the
better place yeah that’s my guess
you remember you know Dawkins who is
Dawson Dawson used to kiss everybody
remember that was it yes that was his
thing yes and on the lips too yes I mean
he kissed was I got rid of it kisser
yeah which I don’t think you could get
away with these days plus you probably
wouldn’t want to these tits right I mean
you could win the South Carolina primary
behaving that way but you probably
couldn’t toast a game show right yeah
don’t dump a palm I’ve got some news
that you missed you don’t you don’t know
that it’s it is no resumption no no no
no don’t get pissy with me Jack how do
you know I miss the news because every
day it’s the same the Trump news cycle
is so overpowering than any there’s news
items that just get knocked to page 23 I
guess that’s true b23 mm-hmm below the
fold yes because they say in the
newspaper business right so Trump makes
a tweet and then suddenly the news cycle
changes and you forget all this news if
it falls through the cracks will I find
it and I bring it to your attention and
to the attention of the listeners that’s
that I call them listeners you call them
viewers I do i do mistakenly call them
viewers almost every episode I know they
listen and don’t watch and I don’t want
to ever presume for you our wonderful
viewers what you guys how you guys
consume our product right steer it
through the logo exactly as you’re
driving that’s right it’s on your like
car play oh my gosh we just lost another
viewer I’m sorry about that okay story
I’ve got news Jack ready yes I’m ready
all right
finally there’s hope in the war against
the coronavirus scientists at the
high-tech Media Lab at the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology say that they
have created a way to stop the spread of
the virus known as Co vid 19 their
solution health pran 2020 now health
Tron 2020 is an autonomous droid that
can approach potential victims of the
virus without fear of infecting a human
medical professional now the advanced
droid then tests for fever and takes a
swab from the individuals cheek which it
can test for any trace of the virus in a
mere 23 seconds if the test result is
positive the infected individual is
sprayed with an antibacterial foam
covered head to toe with five
millimeters of plastic wrap and brought
to one of the portable incinerators that
the government has been placing near
major metropolitan areas oh oh that that
I come with you when you laugh you go
away from the microphone that’s not
feeding the whole purpose i I did laugh
but I’m a little I’m concerned about
that story i I laughed because I didn’t
I did laugh but I didn’t want people to
think that I was so callous
because I’m concerned yeah no it’s it’s
dramatic sure it’s different is it kind
of like Soylent Green but we don’t eat
them yeah it’s it’s that that should be
getting more play yeah I know that and
that just that’s one of the stories that
falls through the cracks because you
know something that we were just so
obsessed with the Trump news cycle I
mean I’m concerned I feel like I kind of
want to get my kids out of a
metropolitan area oh they’ll be fine
unless you know unless he gets a sniffle
well I mean unless Health Tron is in the
hood I don’t know how many health Tron’s
they made you know and it’s all in the
naming cuz health Tron sounds very
innocuous yeah I I feel I feel
comfortable knowing that health Tron is
near health Ron 2020 was die Tron I’d be
like hmm right second thoughts but
health Tron come on in I want to visit
health strong and have him service my
family yeah okay maybe he will see I
don’t know how robots identify all right
in other coronavirus news Jack Cleveland
Bay’s coronavirus energy drink will be
changing its name after watching sales
plummet over the past month
Michelle Meyers he spokeswoman for
impact sports drinks incorporated told
reporters that they were devastated to
have to change the name after spending
so many years building up their brand
but that they had no choice after it
began to be conflated with the
contagious disease that has gotten so
much negative global press Meyer said
that the ad campaign with the tagline
enjoy a corona virus before your workout
will be retired immediately and that all
existing supplies of the drink will be
donated to shelters Myers said that they
had no plans to relaunch the drink in
the near future
and would instead focus on their line of
vitamin gummies gonorrhoea choose
[Music]
alright so this is sort of like when
countries get the Super Bowl champion
shirts of the team that lost right
that’s like you know there’s a bunch of
kid go with their you know who thinks
that bills won four Super Bowls sure
they’re really good at football count
those Buffalo Bills they are great
that’s um it’s sort of like the the
actual AIDS candy that existed in the
new IDs yes yeah lose weight what the
hell of a that’s right that was the
thing that was a legit tagline yeah
YouTube that bad thing lose weight I
lost weight with the help of AIDS yeah
any why do yes I remember I have another
story I that’s impossible so choose two
stories you’ve crushed it I know one
could find a third story the downed a
third story yeah that’s slipped through
the cracks once again may I hear it yeah
Reuters is reporting that a 24 year old
Portland man is so desperately in need
of attention that he commutes to work on
a unicycle Baron Wilders has several
methods of getting to work available to
him but chooses the silly one wheeled
vehicle in an effort to seem whimsical
and cool while there’s told Reuters that
quote anyone can ride a bicycle but
unicycles are much more difficult and by
virtue of riding one that makes me stand
out
I refuse to be boring end quote
according to sources Pamela Todd a 25
year old resident witnessed Wilders
riding down her street and allegedly
told sources that she wouldn’t quote
touch him with a ten-foot unicycle
that’s very Pacific Northwest that they
that she would even talk Pamela Todd
would say that yeah in that way that
ten-foot unicycle yeah that’s how they
talk up there I guess I’ve never been it
just sounds like a weird place is that
all the news I missed that is all the
news you missed this week
well that’s a that’s a good cross way to
find that stuff you know that’s what you
do you got to dig deep and you find it
it’s there you define my expectations
every single time I know it’s sad cuz
you don’t learn you have a terrible
learning curve you define my
expectations every time you open your
mouth and a bunch of stupid shit doesn’t
come out of it do you that’s every time
it defies it doesn’t happen often but
when it does you define my expectations
every time just a bunch of stupid stupid
shit that no one should say out loud
those times when you don’t do that I’m
like wow that’s one boy you know what
hurtful magazine just called it wants to
put you on the cover cool oprah magazine
just called o magazine just called yeah
and they don’t want to put you on the
cover that’s was because I’m a pro
vaccination person that big idiot hi
jack hey Brian so I went on iTunes the
other day to look up to see how many
reviews our viewers or listeners as you
might call them yes I have given our
show okay to see and to read what sort
of like nice reviews maybe some have
taken a couple minutes out to write for
us because they know that that helps a
podcast it sure does and it’s sort of
their way of saying thank you for all
the free content that we provide
that’s correct and so I did a search for
our show okay for some reason I cuz your
name is shorter I decided just to search
by Brian sack okay and I couldn’t
believe how many podcasts popped up yeah
Brian I thought this was your only puck
I thought we were exclusive
no so you so you have so many other
podcasts out there I moved by my count I
saw over 200 podcasts it’s almost like a
the cat farm of podcasts yes I wrote
down some of the podcasts that you
produce and create right I was wondering
if I could ask you about some of your
podcast well of course I love producing
podcasts well so if you have over 200
podcasts how many podcasts do you make
in a day uh you know 13 to 20 okay walk
me through a day of making 13 to 20
podcasts in a day I get up at 4 o’clock
in the in the morning okay then I make
myself protein coffee okay so as you get
your standard black coffees of protein
in it when how do you get your protein
in the coffee just the corned beef okay
okay so it’s a corned beef coffee corned
beef coffee mhm and then I add do they
sell those at Starbucks now no there’s a
coffee shop in the Meatpacking District
that’s also a slaughterhouse oh oh and
so they make this corned beef coffee and
it’s it’s delish yeah it’s a great way
to get your protein yeah
okay so you alright so you wanna you’re
jacked up on your protein in caffeine
yep so now you have the energy to make
podcasts is that we’re saying yeah so
now you know 5:30 in the morning I fire
up the podcast machine mm-hmm
how much money do you say you make off
of your 200 podcasts Oh
I mean if adding them all together to
some make more than others yeah adding
them all together you know there’s a
huge disparity in how much each of the
pot what makes summer very niche yep and
some art some appeal to a huge audience
that makes time appeal to a small
audience yep so all combined yeah
thirty-eight to fifty 38 to fifty grand
that’s not yes oh oh gosh but a week oh
okay so you’re and some months you get
almost 200 bucks a month yeah if it’s a
really good month yeah so that sounds ok
that’s a wide range and that’s cute I
just want to confirm that’s cumulative
yes all your podcasts will pull in that
sort of money altogether yeah how do you
what what
biggest earner ironically it’s the niche
one Oh cuz you’d think it was the one
who appeals to a broader audience yeah
which is the hamburger report I just
talked about hamburgers cuz I figured
like who doesn’t love hamburger yeah if
you’re you know vegetarian right but
then the niche one
it’s about toenail grooming oh okay and
it’s just the tips on grooming your
toenails uh-huh
which is very nice yeah I would think so
and really it’s only three episodes it’s
just that you know clip them and keep
them clean and pull the sock here from
under the nails those three things and
you retired the podcast so how is that
making money for you I’m it’s just
Amazon affiliate links oh wow
okay so you send people off to get their
clipper together your clippers yeah now
there’s a lot of money in nail clippers
I didn’t know that so that’s a big
business so that’s where you get your
most more the bulk of it yeah the bulk
of your your $38 yeah okay Wow
and so would you mind terribly if we
just played a clip of the hamburger
report sure anything the head motor this
is a Wendy’s hamburger yeah as you can’t
see its square
the bunny isn’t square but the burger is
square but the burger fits underneath
the bun the bun is enough to cover the
square burger thank you for listening to
my podcast please subscribe wow that’s
um okay okay and that’s the most popular
one you have yeah would you mind reading
just if you open up your hamburger
report link you just read one of the
reviews just pick just a random review
if you could just read one of the
reviews of your podcast the hamburger
report yeah thanks man load it up okay
here we go it is uh that’s a one-star oh
gosh go ahead we’ll read it WTF so way
too way too fancy no way to hope that
makes sense wait I’m if you’re talking
about Wendy’s square hamburgers it
probably is too fancy who is this idiot
and what is he talking about question
mark I mean I’m Brian and I’m talking
about hamburgers I mean people just
don’t listen
yeah this guy this one oh that’s another
one star Oh complete waste of time
some moron ranting about hamburgers in a
dull monotone kill yourself
Wow geez Wow Wow
oh boy don’t kill yourself five stars
there we go JK guy is a moron
what’s JK just kidding oh hello I see
the five stars is a joke yeah it’s a
sarcastic five stars it’s really like
zero stars okay oh shoot reviews I you
know I wish now knowing what I know now
I wish I hadn’t made you read that out
loud because I can see in your eyes the
defeat
I just might might retire the hamburger
podcast look they’re probably hot dog
guys is there enough time in a day to
record 13 to 20 podcast sure yeah
what sort of research and work do you
put into each one don’t really you can’t
you can’t have that kind of output
uh-huh you’ve got about what I call
minimize the research and effort okay so
if you were giving like a TED talk
that’s would be on the blog minimize the
minimize your research time minimize the
effort tone it down mm-hmm just get
right into the podcast okay
don’t worry about the little details
mm-hmm like what you know what’s gonna
be in it mm-hmm just do it
say it just start speaking you would say
you talk you start talking
do you ever sometimes start speaking and
accidentally like put something about
pogo sticks on your hamburger report oh
yeah things that yeah you forget I
forget which podcast I’m recording right
because you’re just crapping it out yeah
and I might be talking about like you
know how to lower utility bills and then
it’s like I post it and then I realized
that that was for leopard enthusiasts
that was my leopard enthusiast podcast
so and now everybody’s confused and like
I know I’m not trying to lower my
utility bills I want to know more about
lip of course gosh yeah and cheetahs oh
okay
the cheetah one too cuz cheetahs and
leopards are different oh I bet now and
and do you have one so you have one for
leopards one for cheetahs and then do
you
have a leopard vs. cheetah spot cast I
know I have leopards and cheetahs vs.
the world oh my okay so that’s that okay
which is a fictitious podcast oh it was
based on a theory I have that leopards
and cheetahs will one day unite and take
on humanity what where does that belief
come from it was a acid tablet that
somebody had given me and made me just
have this vision okay so you think that
brought clarity to your mind yeah mm-hmm
like a interdimensional thing okay and
so you decided to take some bad acid and
then make a podcast off of your vision
yes okay okay cool yeah I mean there’s
44 people who like it okay well good I
mean good good good luck with that one
thank you I must wonder if I could ask
you about some of your podcast you can
ask me about any of my podcasts okay um
serial yeah I just don’t ask me about
that one cuz that’s in litigation Oh
what this is another podcast called
serial okay but yours is spelled CER ei
yeah I know but and it’s about cereal
mm-hmm what what’s their problem that
it’s sound it’s a homophone mm-hmm and I
said their homophone ik and they I hate
I hate homophobes yeah so I wonder if I
can ask you about another of your pod
can of course dr. Brian dr. Brian hmm
well I think as the name suggests
I offer medical advice okay to the
listeners oh cool and it’s helpful it is
and you know I cover a wide variety of
medical advice and also psychological
advice oh my gosh it’s great how many we
show you have your degrees in both you
know it medical and psychological
degrees I have two doctorates oh that’s
great
in what huh in what well they’re ones in
in Meredith general medicine okay and
the other one is general psychology okay
general yeah okay like it’s a broad
spectrum yeah the two doctorates where
from what what medical school
it’s called the University of Wexford at
Zurich uh uh you know I don’t gosh I
know a lot of colleges I guess I don’t
know that one it’s it’s an online okay
uh course mm-hmm and the degree is based
on life experience oh they operate out
of a mailboxes etc in Serbia oh okay um
interesting uh industries based on life
experience you get your diploma based on
like why I’ve had you know I’ve had
strep throat twice and I have raised two
kids so far and you get a degree you
kind of you fill out a little form you
tell them your experience with medicine
and then you mail it in to Miroslav and
then he either approves it or doesn’t it
prove it my case I got approved after
and then you send the nine hundred and
fifty dollar check oh okay and then you
get a degree yeah huh and are you
transparent about that with your
listeners I’m a doctor yeah I let them
know right away dr. Brian no I’m sure
hmm okay because I listened to part of
that and you um you gave it advice about
the your steps to be cancer-free yeah
can you sort of go over that again
because I would just love to get a taste
of what it’s like to to listen to an
episode of dr. Brian so you know cancer
free lifestyle sure where’s the cancer
well I I don’t want to have the cancer
yet so oh you want you want to avoid
cancer yes okay well you buy essential
oils okay and you rub them all over your
body all right
if you have a microwave I do then don’t
use it okay let your kids or wife use it
okay you stay away from it okay cuz that
emits microwaves okay that can penetrate
your cells uh-huh and start tumors the
microwaves start tumors yeah so that’s
what you say in your podcast is
microwaves start start tumors that was
like episode 38 I think was my koi start
tumors and why would you have my kids
doing that for me because there’s a
cancer risk and you don’t want you’re
just telling me you want to be
cancer-free and I guess that’s a good
point okay
well alright I guess that’s good hey
honey would you go make daddy some
scrambled eggs in the microwave
low-rent life do you think I have
scrambled eggs in the microwave yeah
that’s the best way that’s how they’re
best that is how their best rearranged
scrambled eggs in the microwave um yeah
what what I imagine you’ve come up with
them I met a coronavirus has been a hot
topic on your podcast over the last
month what what is that
Oh coronavirus it’s the it’s sort of the
global I’m almost pandemic that is sort
of sweeping the the world like boxcar
Willie hmm taking the world by storm no
this is more of a cove at 19 it’s it’s a
disease boy your face right now it’s
just a blank slate not familiar with
this at all yeah so it’s coronavirus
it’s the thing it’s it’s sort of like
the fluid has a 2% fatality rate is it a
Pat Hogan pathogen pathogen yeah
do you and again you pronounced it as
what Pat Hogan it’s not no it’s not a
Pat Hogan Pat Hogan is it yeah that’s a
that’s a fella that’s like that’s Hulk
Hogan’s younger brother
oh no pathogen is that’s that’s like
it’s a it’s a disease can kill you yeah
be careful exactly a pat hojin yeah so
dr. Brian dr. Brian okay very good um I
was wondering if we talked about your
podcast pod save the queen
pod save the queen well it is a podcast
obviously geared towards the Canadian
royalty really yeah that was not obvious
to me well they have a queen mm-hmm I
don’t know if you’ve seen any of
Canadian money yeah I have I have kind
of plasticky yep but it’s got a queen on
it yeah Queen Elizabeth yeah that’s
their queen so I’m doing the whole
podcast about keeping the monarchy in
business okay what are some of the tips
here to help keep the monarchy in
business here’s your chance to plug your
ideals be born in the monarchy mm-hmm
I’ll be quite honest I’m doing this
podcast because I’m trying to get in
with the Queen
and I’m hoping she’ll make me like a
knight okay cuz at least I think if I am
a knight then I at least get a lot of
land and a horse okay well that’s not
bad yeah that’s where that’s all I want
but I mean are you trying to like
eventually I mean are you trying to
eventually like better and and yeah
maybe become the king yeah I have an
agreement with my wife that you know if
I can marry the Queen then I can go
ahead and do it
have you then I can have her beheaded
and then take my real wife
yeah be my queen so that’s kind of a
game of Thrones thing it’s very but it’s
a very modern game of Thrones thing it
feels modern so my goal is to marry
Queen Elizabeth yep have we beheaded
like Henry the eighth’s did mm-hmm
and then remarry okay and you’re
definitely gonna remarry your current
wife yeah I mean I would for you know
cuz it would look bad if I didn’t write
that would look bad yeah yeah but then
you know she’ll I’ll have her put in the
tower mm-hmm and beheaded and then I’m
gonna marry another person okay I mean
you could just save her I mean because
then your kids would lose their mom you
could just save you could just skip that
step you don’t necessarily have to marry
your current wife if you’re just gonna
behead her maybe just sort of give her a
get-out-of-jail-free card well I kind of
want to pattern my life after Henry the
eighth I see those Catherine of Aragon
uh-huh he divorces right and then he
marries ambolyn yep but then he beheads
her yeah then the third one dies okay so
I guess if I divorce my wife yep
then I marry the second wife I have her
beheaded yeah okay then my I have to
make my wife die I can’t be header she
has to die in burn childbirth oh gosh so
I guess that’s the plan
so the the plan would just be to give
her it’s just to put a large baby inside
of her yeah but it’s a baby with sharp
objects so that he causes a lot of
internal bleeding then she dies in
childbirth and then I gotta get
remarried I’m gonna divorce her okay and
then
I’m gonna get remarried again I’m gonna
be had that one for betrayal
how did she betray you it wasn’t really
a betrayal okay
it was he was under the impression she
was a virgin when he married her but she
actually wasn’t she had been with some
farm dude what kind of course the
natural thing to do is have them both
executed absolutely yeah well for being
filthy I mean we you can say filthy
whores in a podcast right they back then
they said humpy oh they said humpy I
mean it ended with an e hom py e humpy
okay the filthy Humpy’s yes Humpy’s wait
dr. Bryan would say I think that you
could get a lot of diseases from filthy
Humpy’s oh absolutely yeah burps yeah
you know what the herps
so okay weii if if I was modeling my
life after Henry the Eighth I would just
take the like having lots of ladies
around and being King and having nice
stuff I wouldn’t necessarily need to do
so much killing right to each their own
is what I always say you do always say
that you say that a lot yep usually when
you’re doing something reprehensible and
I ask you why you do it and you say that
to me all the time yeah that’s why I
have all the success raised posters that
say to each their own
you do it’s it’s amazing the this
apartment is basically all posters in
cat excrement yep yeah yeah Wow
real quickly though I just would like to
backtrack on your plan to eventually
marry Queen Elizabeth yes so I think we
all know Queen Canada you know what’s
neat is that you should use Google her
because she’s also Queen of England no
kidding yeah so yeah right then I could
be king of that yeah king of that yeah
for sure that’s great except they’re not
part of the EU anymore so I’d have to
get a I can’t stay in France for long
periods of time
uh-huh that’s a bummer man does it make
you want to rethink your no no I want to
marry a Queen Elizabeth okay so how so
what’s your plan how does a commoner
yeah I don’t like to think of myself as
a con I know you don’t
what do you can what do you think of
yourself as King junior King junior okay
how does it King junior such as yourself
get to the point where he can
comfortably date the Queen of England
and Canada
well it’s all with the royalty no it’s
all about protocol mm-hmm and there were
just certain ways of doing things so you
can’t just walk up to and be like hey
lady I know you’re really old but you’re
looking fine to me
we can’t do that you can’t you wouldn’t
talk like that yeah I need to have a
hard time just walking up to her
absolutely they have all these people
with really fuzzy hats yes looking like
you stop yep then you see you can’t get
close yeah they always say that you kind
of got to work your way into the system
okay so I’ve been taking butler lessons
and I basically want to become a really
good butler okay and then I’m gonna get
in and then so it’ll be like Brian the
Queen needs her tea mm-hmm good so I
walk in your majesty and I do all and
they teach you to bow and do all this
polite stuff in our place your tea you
know she has it a specific way and I’ll
pour the tea add the sugar cubes and
Stewart and then I’ll just look at her
knowingly uh-huh and just be like you
thinking what I’m thinking
that’s kind just is freeze and just
steer it okay and then wait for the
response what do you think the response
will be I’m hoping mm-hmm I think I do
okay an accent with a queen lady accent
yeah Wow or she takes off her pants she
wears a lot of trousers
I think indoors she probably does
probably outside she probably has to
wear those big flowy robes yeah yeah
Queen stuff the dirty version of this
yeah is that you served the Queen her
tea yeah you stir it up you give her a
look
she knows that look and it really
capitulates and gives you herself
sexually right there in the tea room
that is the fantasy yes okay the drink
know is that the dreamer is at the plan
that’s the plan okay which is also a
dream okay and then you know once we do
the deed I’ll be like oh look at my
watch mm-hmm and then I’m gonna look at
her okay
I’m gonna be like times a-tickin and
then look at her you’re not getting any
younger if you know what I mean I think
it’s time we kick this up a notch okay
see what relationship wedding yeah yeah
wedding uh-huh and then I want to do
something like a Harry and Megan Markel
thing like a big romantic wedding
fairytale kind of thing
okay that’s sweet so you really want to
sweep her off her feet yeah okay at this
point she’s probably gonna be pushing a
hundred yeah how do you factor that into
your to your sex life III can say that I
can say that on a podcast huh your sex
life with Queen she’s probably done
everything if you know what I mean
so I mean that’s really up to I’ll be
like just what do you suggest
uh-huh just ask her what she wants to do
right it’s really more about what she
wants
well let her needs are you being a
generous lover you is this you just
trying to become King like what no Abby
I mean I’ll make I’ll make sure she’s
happy uh-huh
do you what’s the best way to sexually
satisfy the Queen you never see the the
royalty pictures they’re always holding
like an orb in one hand and a scepter in
the absolutely if coral the orb vibrates
oh my gosh
and so does the scepter gosh it’s it’s
so cool to be able to talk to someone
who knows so much about the royalty yeah
well I’d studied it good luck with that
plan
thank you and that’s all based on a
seldom listened to podcast called pod
save the queen yes Wow I have gone from
not very impressed by you to incredibly
impressed by you incredibly impressed
and frightened good yeah I was wondering
if um if I could ask you about your
podcast Brian sack presents Oprah
Winfrey you could yeah that’s just me
basically telling you about the world of
Oprah mm-hmm so interviewing Oprah as
soon as she gets back to me and talking
about you know what she’s up to what
books he recommends things like that so
really cashing in on that Oprah Winfrey
name yes now you said there a second ago
that as soon as she gets back to you
yeah is this not endorsed by Oprah’s
she’s not a part of this not yet and
we’re only at episode 87 okay and you
know so I’m doing is I’m building up
like a repertoire of podcasts for her
okay so when she finally sees my email
she’ll be she’ll she’d be like oh my god
this guy’s really into me and then kind
of listen and then shall we make contact
I see and what making the ice is what I
call it okay that’s what you call it how
do you what email
you have for Oprah and I assumed it was
Oprah Oh calm mmm so you just sent that
oh yeah
sure what do you talk about in the 87
episodes you’ve done so far about Oprah
without Oprah it’s mostly like you know
if Oprah were here mm-hmm
she’d probably say this okay well it’s a
lot of you know we’ll pick a different
topic every week and then I’ll be like
oh you know and if she were here my
guess is she would feel this way about
I’m gonna gonna give you one right now
off top my head okay um
the topic is planning for a wedding she
would say that you know when you plan a
wedding you’ve got to pick a date so
like the big that’s a huge problem
yep you don’t pick a date that’s so
Oprah you don’t pick a date how do I
know when you’re getting married right
mm-hmm you tell me you getting married
great but like wet it when when is that
so you have to pick a date and then once
you pick a day you have to go there on
that day you don’t show up you’re not
getting married right so these are some
of the tips that she would offer that’s
such great Oprah advice and so you’ve
sent emails any other attempts to
contact her get in touch yeah I’ve sent
I’ve tried letters mm-hmm bunny gram
without what’s a bunny gram it’s like a
bunny stir bunny costume guy shows up
with an Easter basket and then the eggs
have little notes inside saying please
call me he does like a mystery
striptease type thing hasn’t bunny what
I just deliver the messages and you know
it’s gonna make it weird it’s a bunny
Graham it’s okay and then he throws
follow the rules he throws the egg
throws the egg sadder felt Oprah Winfrey
with eggs yeah these are for you and
they’re plastic eggs maybe see naked at
this point he wears a speedo he has to
it ends with a speedo
okay otherwise it’s illegal right but he
froze the plastic eggs at her and they
break open with the notes okay and my
hope is you know she picks up the no
reason note and says who is this guy I
need this guy in my life right that’s
your hope yeah okay Man Alive bunny
Grahams funny Graham how often we send a
bunny Graham to Oprah I’ve been doing a
weekly for three years that’s we’re
talking about 150 between hundred fifty
hundred and sixty
Bunnie grams yeah and a lot of money I
bet and a lot of restraining orders on
most of the bunny people in the city
pretty much there’s a restraining order
in almost all the dancing bunny people
in the city yeah
God what an industry that is not huge
it’s the cornerstone of the New York
economy nobody knows that I I guess now
why is it Oprah still answering the door
at this point usually hears that ding
dog she’s every Tuesday at 4:00 she’s
got to know doesn’t she doesn’t learn
her learning curve is terrible maybe
she’s just an optimist you know they say
Oprah springs eternal is that what the
saying is think it is I’ve been saying
it wrong for a long time yeah a lot of
people have huh well gee whiz that Brian
I’m so glad we talked about this thank
you yeah hey Brian I wanted to ask you
about your podcast talking baseball yep
seems simple enough is it as simple as
it appears when I say talking is mostly
asking questions okay like I want people
to talk to me about baseball okay so I’m
trying to it’s supposed to be a
conversation between me and people who
know what baseball is oh that’s that’s
so interesting yeah so I’m like what’s
the deal with this whoa why does this
happen
what are bases yeah like how eyes what
why is he doing this why is the crowd
screaming well is that good or bad
uh-huh why are they what are they saying
when the guy’s talking to the pitcher
why is the guy keep flipping them gang
signs you know there’s so many so many
things no it’s a complex game I guess so
the podcast is just you asking questions
about baseball you like watch a little
bit of baseball get confused yeah and
then just ask a lot of questions yeah do
you have guests on the show no so it’s
just a confused man yeah asking
rudimentary baseball questions I
wouldn’t I mean that’s not how I would
slug it my slug would be like you know
talking baseball and then the slug would
be like you know all the sports talk
that matters or something like yeah I
bet you get a lot of sports fans yeah
and that’s what millions of dollars in
something like that
no yeah no not yet
it seems like a lot of the answers are
sarcastic I said we are why why is the
guy why does a guy get running around
all the bases uh-huh and nobody’s trying
to stop him
right and and then what probably he
probably had a home run see I don’t know
that the the answer I got from somebody
was cuz your mama’s ringing the bell oh
so which I feel like it’s a sarcastic
answer do you think so
cuz it’s gotta your mom and it yeah
that’s it’s a little bit of a giveaway
so um and then last one sure I think
this is a smart move because true-crime
podcasts do really well absolutely
they’re huge and so your podcast is
called murder time yes I didn’t bother
to listen to it
no offence so we’ll go back to a murder
case some guy in Cleveland his wife
disappears please suspect him but
there’s no way she’s missing yep so they
started doing the investigation and they
find oh he went to the hardware store
he bought a shovel he bought bags of
cement and he say okay now it’s a little
suspicious so they get a search one they
go to his house they go to the basement
and they found out interesting he’s
gonna knew it used to be a dirt basement
floor now he’s got a cement basement
floor you know suspicions they have a
they run like a ground-penetrating radar
and sure enough they find a body buried
under this concrete okay Ken he’s card
he goes to jail for the rest of his life
yep so we analyzed okay what how did he
screw this up yep and get caught mm-hmm
so well one he went to the local
hardware store okay he paid with a
credit card yep he bought a shovel he
bought concrete I mean hello and he put
in a new concrete for yep so how can we
revisit this crime so that he can commit
it and get away with it Wow
and so that’s how we go over crimes you
know throughout history where people
have been taught and and prosecuted so
you you want to correct mistakes yes
okay interesting yeah do you get a lot
of listeners who maybe send in questions
to your show yeah it’s like we get a lot
of questions okay like what what’s your
like listener mailbag like they’re like
would you do me a favor and Google
tasteless poisons uh-huh and then you
know email those to this address cuz I’m
afraid to google it myself based on what
I told them that’s great they’re really
learning so their listings they I said
whatever you do don’t Google how you
know point tasteless poisons because
that’s on your record they’re gonna know
so I’ll do it for you and then send it
to you through an anonymous email
address it’s almost like you’re
providing him a service at that point I
can tell like I got an email the other
day and it just said thank you I’m
single now and then those are wink emoji
oh that’s it just yeah so he the guy
divorced his wife he didn’t he didn’t
give me any details you want to come on
the show and he’s just like lol uh-huh
did you google okay yes
his wife’s missing Oh No kidding yeah
but he was on TV you know begging for
her to come back safely oh man I hope
she’s all right yeah any sense as to
where she went
I have a feeling go ahead tell me if
this isn’t that podcasts I don’t want to
lose a listener I understand I
understand I mean do you do you charge
money for the service of like you know
googling tasteless poisons no but you
know what the podcast makes money
through advertising
oh really yeah what sort of advertising
you get Tim shovels which is an
anonymous shovel company okay
you can order shovels to them uh-huh and
they’ll send you shovels that nicely
yeah yeah keep your credit card
information
oh that’s great so it’s at one time and
then they just though that’s smart and
the variety of shovels is they have
crawlspace shovels uh-huh in case you
don’t have a lot of room right
underneath your house okay and then they
have longer shovels if you’ve got a
property and maybe like a backyard have
a little more leverage
they have whisper shovels Oh what is
that whisper something they’re just
quieter okay if you’re like an in tight
packed neighborhood huh and you need to
be in your back garden but you don’t
want to make a lot of shovel noise yep
and then there’s the the the SBS oh
what’s that I can’t figure out what’s
SBS skull bashing shovel Oh golly yeah
it’s it’s a harder metal
uh-huh and it’s meant to really fracture
and then dig fractured the ground no
it’s a skull fracture shovel and we
don’t ask questions like what do you
need that for I don’t want to know
that’s not it’s not your business
now that was questionable material make
sure to subscribe to the podcast make
sure to review the podcast make sure to
visit QM podcast comm for episodes show
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