Episode 44 Notes

Episode 44 Notes

Episode 44

Belarus News Service. Jack going on vacation. Brian sold a house. New book on ferret mating tips. Yo Yo Ma vs. Yo Ma Ma. Brian has a hard time scoring a grant. Back to school for the kids. Marrying off the young ones to make life easier. Brian’s Learning Place is a new online school and the PTA is always furious. 16th birthday lumberjack surprise leaves Brian plaidphobic.

AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED BUT OFTEN INACCURATE TRANSCRIPT:

hello
from minsk in belarus i’m
george milanov i am reporting on the
free and fair elections that have just
concluded
challenger sietlana tsikanuskaya
who is filled with stupid ideas and
who smells like cheese left in the sun
for four days
have eight percent only eight percent
despite all the exit polling you may
have heard
president alexander lukashenko
our noble leader since 1994
who is very strong and can wrestle bears
and carries
an automatic weapon at all times he has
112 percent of
the vote and of course this means his
winner
this is joyful news for the people of
belarus
because now we don’t have to change the
stationary or
any road signs so expensive
coming up the life and times of
alexander lukashenko
a 5 hour drama that you will like and
you will watch
but first questionable material with
jack
and brian
you’re listening to questionable
material
produced in new york by jack helmet and
brian sack
qmpodcast.com
this is episode number 44
hello hello man that just blew my ears
out
oh i see why you’re that was crazy okay
i’m an idiot
yep uh yeah i had the input level
for you at like super maximum so when
you rang through it like blew out my
eardrums
that was hurtful that’s great
the the guy who mocks me for uh being a
technological retard
uh blows his ears out through technology
this is great
uh first of all that’s a terrible word
to use you’ve your offensive technology
there’s nothing wrong with technology
there’s nothing wrong with technological
or technology either of those words is
fine
maybe even in 2020 turn that down a
little bit
all right there we go that’s better
that’s better it’s still black rectangle
but that’s fine i’m used to it now just
to
just gonna get used to it cool yeah
this is why i’ve been doing the podcast
with no clothes for over a month
i knew something sounded different yeah
i sound free well hello
hello brian stash hi jack
huh hi how how is
everything going oh man you’re really
good at casual conversation you’re very
human
what are you up to these days
well here’s the thing my family has uh
split apart
i am with my daughter okay in my home
all right and my wife and my son have uh
gone to rhode island for a
safe uh family vacation we will
my daughter and i will be joining my
wife and my son in a few days
why rhode island my wife likes it there
are beaches
and they have outstanding covert numbers
like their governor didn’t muck it all
up and get lots of people killed and
then say hey didn’t i do a great job
that’s exactly right the their um their
governor
uh specifically decided not to murder
anyone in uh nursing homes
really interesting well that’s a
different approach i know that’s we
wanted to sort of get a taste of what
that life was like
for when we get older yeah no be cool to
live in a state where the governor
doesn’t murder
old people yeah that’s what i’m looking
forward to so
you know look i’m i’m 45. i would like
to sort of do the nursing home starting
at around 48.
really okay and you want to do it in a
state that doesn’t require people to
murder
people in the nursing home right if i’m
going to spend my last 40 years there
it’s i sort of feel like
you know i would like to get my money’s
worth and not die you want to retire
early
well that’s isn’t that the dream i guess
if you have the
nest egg what are you up to brian
well i sold the house we built yay
congratulations
and the people who bonded are buying it
sight unseen which is kind of weird but
maybe a sign of how dramatic the
desire to escape new york city is that
is
crazy yeah now for people who don’t know
uh
brian actually with a friend built a
house
they got a little plot of land in long
island in sort of the nicer area
of long island and they built a house
and just sold it yeah what’s so funny is
that
because we do so many of these bits
where you’re supposedly an expert on
you know ferret mating or whatever that
i’m sure no one is like yeah right he
built a house in long island when it’s
actually
this is one of the those true stories
it’s yeah i was thinking about that the
other day about we
20 of the stuff we say is actually legit
true
yeah but the number of people who might
actually believe that
are is probably few and far between your
book on ferret maiden comes out when
uh that comes out in three tuesdays from
today
three tuesdays so everyone mark your
calendar from whenever you’re listening
to this it’ll be out
three tuesdays from the day you’re
listening and uh what’s it called again
uh
ferret mating for beginners
and um what are some of your like hot
tips i mean
how do you get two ferrets to fall in
love well
um you know obviously red wine helps
and all the traditional oysters um
soft music soft tones
talking and soft tones to the lady
ferret
but they’re zipping around like little
ferrets how do you get them to actually
slow down and uh
do the deed uh well they found a there’s
a
an instrumental album by yo-yo ma
[Music]
of um of just you know ferret tunes it’s
called ferret
ferret love yeah it’s a cd of songs or
right now a digital file of songs uh
that
that really get ferrets into the mood it
slows them down it convinces them to
maybe sit up next to a table and
eat oysters and and drink some red wine
wow and your your mom made this yo yo ma
yeah
now i can be confused with your mama oh
gosh yeah he’s a different he’s a he’s
more of a
rapper than a person who plays string
instruments
okay yeah so tell me about yo-yo mama
yo yo mama yo-yo mama yeah
yo-yo mama is from uh queens and
uh is not classically trained pretty
much i mean just kind of learned
how to shout uh insults and
on his own didn’t attend any prestigious
academies because there really aren’t
any
for he he attended r train university
r train university yeah which is kind of
uh the
premier uh school for shouting
the r train uh and and the 456.
and um and then you know he’s just uh
he’s a
professional shoutiste as they say in
the
oh that’s a shouting industry
[Music]
wow this is really interesting yeah um
what are some other you know aside from
music um
what are some other you know if the if
you need those ferrets to mate
and this is again from your book that’s
coming out uh ferret
mating for beginners um what are some
other ways to really get those ferrets
to mate
you know if like if you have some
prospective buyers coming over and you
need some babies
uh really enough they get a tremendous
erotic response from photos of lena
dunham
i don’t know why obviously i don’t know
why either it doesn’t work in the human
kingdom but um for ferrets there’s
something
uh that they find incredibly appealing
about that so i we’ve noticed
uh in our studies that that exist uh is
that
ferret mating increases dramatically
when the ferrets are exposed
to photos of lena dunham that’s so
interesting
yeah oh there’s poor ferrets but no they
can’t
but with the sound off because when they
hear when they hear the voice
they get very agitated and will actually
start digging
well this is where we need a grant i
think for this research
i’ve been trying so hard i’ve been
sending out letters for
asking for grants and uh i’ve got zero
response there’s no it’s almost like the
post office isn’t delivering my
uh request for money that’s strange
who are you making the request who what
does your envelope say
a pretty i mean i do i do it’s called
the scatter method so
i get an old-fashioned phone book from
the 70s late 70s and i’ll just
open it up i’ll put my finger down and
i’ll find a name and an address and i
just toss off a letter saying i’m a
ferretologist looking for a grant
help a brother out and then um and then
i wait
and i include a self-addressed stamped
envelope with an 18 cent stamp
yeah from 1972 because i figure if i’m
sending it to an address from the 70s
then the postage rate would be around
the 70s so um
but yeah getting zero response well i
mean that that makes sense the post
office doesn’t care about turning a
profit or doing its job well so that
i mean i guess that would make sense it
probably works brian i don’t know what
the problem is
i don’t know either i all i know is i am
dying for this grant i need to get these
ferrets understood
and so we can dramatically increase the
ferret population
now i’m confused because at the
beginning of this
section of our show we told two stories
one
about you selling a home in long island
that you built together about ferrets
and one of the two was not true and damn
it
i can’t remember which is true so brian
school is starting oh is it i don’t know
maybe it is maybe it isn’t just had like
a three-hour zoom call last night oh
what’s what was the result of that
the school is offering the options you
can do fully online you can do hybrid
and if you do hybrid it’s maybe one or
two days a week
of coming into the school there there’s
they’re having these different cohorts
so like a can come in on monday and b
on tuesday and yeah just a whole lot of
weird logistics isn’t it yep what did
you
do just hand you like the the pro here
you go
here’s the fall yeah that’s what they
did
um no we we have choices as well we’re
going to um
we’re going to do 100 online uh learning
for our son
and you know obviously our daughter
being a girl is
it’s not particularly important if she’s
educated or not right um she’s gonna of
course
our daughter’s just gonna go to college
to get her mrs degree um so it’s
that doesn’t really matter i’m not even
sure what we’re doing with her
she’s just she’s just basically looking
in the market for a husband
absolutely we’re um you know we’re
taking her to finishing school
um you know working on her abs
right this year um
uh you know doing leg stretching
exercises
you know long legs that we feel are
going to get uh get her further in the
world so
you know that’s what our focus is going
to be on our daughter um
uh you know start doing anything to
maybe get her to start developing
earlier mm-hmm
so we can sort of be done with it
therapy or something
hormone therapy maybe see if we can get
her to menstruate by eight years old
um just have them jump up and down
is that does that work but for like
hours okay
yeah because a friend of mine did it she
did it for a long period and then she
just started bleeding
but she may have been injured yeah i
know it’s after she fell back into the
coffee table
which i mistakenly thought was
menstruation
but it’s actually just a what they call
a laceration
oh yeah i say the word but i swear to
god i don’t know what it is yeah i just
assumed it was menstruating on the
outside
yeah which means okay well
anyway so you know those are two
different approaches we’re taking for
our kids
well good yeah we we we’re gonna do the
the hybrid we’d like them to go
into the school and um and enjoy a
little bit of uh
interacting with peers whoever whatever
peers are there because since it’s
optional i’m sure
90 of the parents are going to freak out
your children have no peers in my book
that’s right they’re peerless that’s
right but aren’t you going to do
something similar with your younger one
where you’re just going to try and marry
him off
i want to marry yeah i’ve told him to
start you know
considering wearing wigs
and uh and just you know and i give him
lots of anime and i say can you look
like these ladies
mm-hmm because nerds dig that stuff
absolutely
how are his or his breasts coming in uh
not you’re right i mean right now no
they’re just uh dish sponges so they
they look awkward
they’re wrecked large rectangle shaped i
mean
obviously it’s it comes in handy when i
ask them to wash the car
but uh not particularly good for
attracting
14 year old wealthy men yeah
[Laughter]
well i mean it’s so funny that we’re
both taking the same approach
just marry the sooner these kids are in
college or married off
the sooner we can get on with our lives
you know absolutely
this massive interruption you know so
this kid comes out i’m dealing with him
we’ve got to deal with him for like 18
years i just hit 16
with him a few days ago can’t believe i
have a 16 year old and then two days
later we’re at the dmv getting his
driver’s permit
i brought up school because i wanted to
um you know i wanted to give you the
an opportunity to um to sort of talk
about your
the private school that you’re opening
up this fall
yeah yeah yeah that you’re you know the
one you’re definitely opening up
so um what’s the name of your school
called and and why did you choose now as
a time to
to start a new private school um
well obviously people are very upset
about the state of education right now a
lot of families
don’t have the time to sit there and
homeschool their kids
while they go to work i mean it just it
just doesn’t work it’s very chaotic
right now
yes there needs to be that separation
between
uh school and family that the founding
fathers intended
yes um so what i did was i created a
school
to yeah and it’s going to be like it’s
the old-fashioned kind of school
remember the schoolhouses where you’d
have the whole
range of kids in the schoolhouse k
through 12 and one tiny little
building exactly yeah so here so i’ve
got i’ve already got a shed a garden
shed
and i’m calling that brian’s schoolhouse
and i painted it red on the outside and
inside i have i put up a little
blackboard you’ll do
second grade math for maybe a bunch of
10th graders
sure they excel at that
i mean you they really get you’ll be
like two plus two and then you’ll be a
kid in the back like
four four they get really excited wow
one
it’s called brian’s learn place
because i thought it’d be cool to have
an acronym like blp to me it looks like
kind of a cool
blp brian’s learn place
yeah you should have done uh it’d be
great if you could have done brian’s
learn
matriculation center or something so you
could have gotten blm out of it
oh i hadn’t thought of that
because that’s i mean everyone’s
hashtagging blm and all of a sudden
you probably would have had a hundred
thousand applicants
maybe i’ll do accidentally give you
money not realizing that you stand for
the
destruction of the nuclear family huh
um i wish i had thought of that i could
have kind of glommed on to that whole
charade i know but okay so so brian’s
learning place blp
yep blp brian’s learning place and we do
learning
is what that’s and that’s actually the
tagline we do learning
okay um i just wanted to be a i want
parents to be able to plunk their kids
in front of the computer
log on to brian’s learning place and
not have to worry about them for the
entire school day
okay because that’s great yeah i will
teach them stuff i’ll show them videos
we’ll have discussions we’ll have round
tables uh we do role playing
we do war gaming we do everything you
would normally do
in a school yeah
some of that sounds school-like um and
okay
i unionized no what
yeah i unionized so i can’t even be
fired if i’m not good
what that’s so smart yeah so basically
if people like your learning place is
terrible you know you’re not qualified
i’ll be like hey
and i just look at the camera because
that’s where they are and i’ll just be
hey
that’s how it is winkity wink
wow yeah brian’s learning place
brian’s learning place what um well i’d
like to get into some of those things
that you say you you
deal with the students uh what sort of
um
curriculum can a parent expect who’s
sending their kids to brian’s learning
place
you know i call it the uh
oh well sorry i must have misheard you
what do you call it
i call it the
[Music]
who knows curriculum
oh that’s so cool because it’s what i
kind of wake up and it’s like what am i
going to teach who
knows and then as soon as the light
turns on on the
laptop that is my what i’m broadcasting
my school out to all the students
i just kind of wing it so one day i
might be in a math mood
next day i might want to do history next
day i might want to do cooking
or civics or social studies
or socialist studies or gardening
or carpentry i mean it’s anything goes
wow so the first day of school was an
argument with my wife that was like
two hours so i i guess the kids would in
that case probably learn a little bit
about relationship dynamics who’s in
charge who’s
not in charge uh why
polish women are just stronger than me
and things like that
um and then other times they might learn
math
um what was the uh what was the argument
about and how many students have
witnessed this
it’s embarrassing because it’s about my
academic credentials
oh no so she is of the mindset that i
have no right
to call myself professor brian dr
emeritus
um and i am of the mindset that people
can call themselves whatever they want
he
or she can be a him or him or her
or she or he or whatever i can be black
if i want to i can be asian i can do
whatever i want
and so if i’m a doctor emeritus so be it
and i’m here to teach and she disagreed
with me
for a solid 128 minutes based on the
recording
a lot so many megabytes of her yelling
at me and um
just it’s a disagreement but i think it
was good for the kids to see for a
couple of reasons one they learn
to be skeptical so if somebody says hey
i’m a doctor i’ve got a doctorate
you can raise an eyebrow and be like
really where did you go to school so
that’s kind of skepticism
and also to see how valuable how to
argue nicely with somebody you know you
might disagree
with them about but at the end of the
day you you love each other and you love
each other so much that
you engage in acts of of love to to show
unfortunately the school wait a minute
that you guys have a really
tight relationship and are still
attracted to one another which is
something you don’t necessarily want
your
k through 11s to see
12’s kind of on the fence about that so
it’s a work in progress
so would i be right in saying that you
guys maybe had some makeup sex in front
of your
uh in brian’s learning place that is
what the uh
parent teacher association is calling it
yes
[Music]
uh is there a beef now between uh
that association and your school there’s
a there’s a certain number of parents
who believe
that that conduct on camera during
school hours
uh is unprofessional and possibly
illegal
i disagree and i speak some lonely
angry people i think the quarantine has
made people crazy
you know they they just lock down the
uncertainty just the chaos of it all the
mask wearing everything
i think it’s really knocked people for a
loop so i forgive them um
you wouldn’t know it from day two of
school or it was more like a four hour
just cuss out me screaming at the
laptop uh you in greats
but you know by day five we were doing
math
oh yeah okay okay very
very good yeah i assume there has to be
a good lineup
of substitute teachers yeah
how do you get substitute teachers and
and you know where do you find them and
and what do they provide
uh i’ve tried a couple of different
recruitment methods
okay i’ve tried tinder
oh gosh uh okay
and i do i just swipe right on everybody
[Music]
so have you gotten any responses i got
one so i did my usual introduction we it
says you guys have connected and i
i’ll say hi do you teach
questions awesome and uh in this
particular case i got yes and i said
fantastic
what do you teach and they said bdsm so
of course
i’m new to academia i know science
the sm is science and math what’s the bd
uh
i don’t know and i i thought maybe
biology and then d
i don’t know dianetics l ron hubbard
stuff i don’t know
but i said yes i said awesome um
can you can you do thursday online
and she said yes and i said fantastic i
will patch you in
to the school and just teach away
okay how’d class go that day was the
response it depends who you talk to pta
is really pissed again
[Music]
um the students they found it
fascinating you could see the wonder in
their eyes
they’re just because they had had they
seen a full leather suit no
uh these red balls you hold in your
mouth what are these for is are they
are you eating them is this some kind of
so they were really you know cute
what are these paddles what did this
person do wrong why is he being spanked
why are you pouring hot wax is this
about like the inquisition or something
like is this a history segment like what
is going on here
right so they pretty much i mean
they were really engaged until the come
shot
[Music]
well well thank god you have tenure
brian
so brian uh earlier in the show you said
that your son just turned
16 years old was it this week yes
good grief hey well happy birthday to
him isn’t that crazy 60 i have a 16 year
old
what happened i don’t know man but 16
is that’s a to me that’s a brand new
frontier of of parenting
so you know i was wondering are what
sort of changes are you going to make to
parenting him
to now um treating him like a man
i’ll probably do what my father did oh
good which is what
uh when i turned 16. uh he blindfolded
me
put me in the back of his oldsmobile yep
delta 88.
uh no seatbelts at the time sure they
had seat belts but my dad cut them out
uh and then we drove he drove and i just
every time i said dad what’s going on
he’d be like shut up
like okay i took me out into the woods
and i couldn’t tell you if i was in new
hampshire or maine or vermont or what i
just knew it was a lot of green
uh got out of the car he walked me i’m
still blindfolded he walks me
and then he pulls off the blindfold and
he says voila
and that laid out in front of me was a
a table and on it was a cutlass
a shamrock
a high ball glass wow and one of those
pens that does multiple colors
yeah yeah the red blue black green yeah
and classic
yeah and he said there you go you’re 16.
then he got back in
[Music]
his car delta 88 oldsmobile
and drove away what were you supposed to
do with all that crap on the table
that’s what i was shouting at him as
he’s driving away
uh his windows were up he was he was
blasting
music stars on 45
and uh yeah i sat there and i stared
like what i’m
okay so i’m like okay maybe this is a
puzzle
maybe this is a clue you know he’s wants
me okay i’m 16 he wants me to
show that i’ve grown i’ve kind of i’m a
man now so i’m looking okay so cutlass
right a shamrock a high ball glass
and a pen that does multiple colors i’m
thinking
i’m thinking think and think and
thinking like okay what were these how
would these work together what is this
puzzle here
and i couldn’t for the life of me figure
it out
and then um then it started getting dark
and i started getting worried yeah of
course so i took the cutlass and the
highball glass and the pen and the
shamrock put the shamrock in my pocket
um and i just started walking kind of
following what i thought were his tire
tracks and
it turned out to be tracks from a not
from my father’s delta
88 but from a truck oh
so and i wound up in a logging operation
and it was it was a big facility in the
middle of the forest was logging
and there were a bunch of loggers there
yeah and i asked them for help
they said what happened i said my dad
brought me out here i’m 16
and he brought me out here to teach me
to be a man
and they were like oh really and then
they just kind of looked at each other
[Music]
and so the high ball glass they filled
with i guess scotch
okay and it got me good and liquored up
on that
uh-huh and then they presented me with a
contract
to be there to be there but i forget
what they called i mean i forgot they
forced their term
it’s a foreign term but it was something
like love monkey
and they had me sign it in multiple
colors which i guess is legally binding
if you do like
blue or black you’re not completely
legally bound but if you sign your name
in blue
green red and black it really shows you
tremendous commitment
it shows like adult agency yeah so i i
i it was a two-year contract oh god
almighty
so i lived in the and uh you know the
the cutlass
uh would come in handy on the occasions
when i was tied up
and you know i just left the cut list
leaning against the wall and then after
they were done they i would just kind of
go over and back up into the cutlass and
rub my wrist bindings on it and
eventually break free
uh so i mean two years there by the time
i emerged i was a man
god your dad didn’t come looking for you
like the next morning
no well i mean he did but of course i
had wandered way far off
to this logging operation he went back
he found the table but and saw that i
had taken everything
he was completely unaware i’d become a
lager’s love monkey
for the men not just a logger a logging
team a logging team
love monkey um you know he was you know
and he felt did he feel bad for the two
years i was gone absolutely
oh um you know and he said when i saw i
finally saw him and walked through the
door i mean
he was like oh my god you’re alive and i
said yeah um
you know i’m i’m here uh and then i see
i cried and i took a shower
uh for two and a half days i sat in the
shower
curled up in a ball just just
you know running the wall i didn’t even
care if it was hot or cold i just wanted
to be clean
finally clean yeah yeah now
i’m a man now but to this day i if i see
somebody in a
any kind of a plaid shirt any kind of
like
checkered plaid thing i freak out if i
see a chainsaw i scream
[Music]
terror i’m terrified of trees yeah
well i remember this i remember when we
worked together it was uh
it was disconcerting i will say this
because you and i shared an office and
one day
i came in not knowing any of this i came
in wearing
a plaid sort of like a green and and red
sort of plaid
flannel yeah flannel shirt i’m glad you
remember it
and you gave yourself to me yeah it’s
not what i wanted and it was very
so i never wore that shirt again thank
god yeah because that’s
you can’t say no to a flannel shirt wow
oh well those days are behind me back to
your son you said you plan to do the
same to your boy
you know now that i think about it
i might just take him for an ice cream
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