Episode 31 Show Notes

Episode 31 Show Notes

TRANSCRIPT, BUT FILLED WITH ERRORS BY A ROBOT:

[Music]
it’s time for Benjy and the pickle the
region’s number one morning show on
what’s left of terrestrial radio coming
to you live from Mullins brothers
slaughterhouse in beautiful Hudson
Valley I’m gonna be broadcasting live
here all day and a show of support to
our meat processing brothers and sisters
who have been ordered back to work stop
by with the kids between 12:00 and 2:00
for a free ice cream and all you can eat
hot dogs just please remember to
practice social distancing when the kids
could wind up in a hot dog
let’s get that’s the kind of comedy you
can expect on Benjy in the pickle ain’t
that right pickle pickles gonna be back
at the top of the hour with the latest
death tolls but first crush double
material with Jack and Ron
[Music]
you are listening to questionable
material with Jack Hellmuth and Brian
sack this episode mean-spirited pranks
answers for kids pants
[Music]
I’m actually not on skype I’m inside
your laptop I need you I need you to do
me a favor and I need you to get me out
of your laptop I’m stuck in here I need
to get out will you do me a favor and
just pry open the screen so I can escape
yeah whatever I can do to help you uh
what do I have got to get a screwdriver
a flathead screwdriver here that’s fine
just pry it under the screen and pop
open the screen okay where are you Oh
Jack you’ve been pranked
what yeah Jack it’s a new prank show I’m
starting it’s a show where i do pranks
and make people do things it’s called a
mood switch it’s called mood switch yeah
so okay and the premise is like I said
come in with one joke that that kind of
makes you feel good and then I pull
another joke that breaks your heart and
destroys your faith in humanity some we
spend a lot of time on like I this this
woman Wanda she’s an old lonely Widow
and I mean I built up a relationship
with her over the course of eight months
okay and then she was very excited I was
just about to move into her apartment
she was she told me that nice just like
you make me so happy Brian and I had
this big smile on my face because I knew
what was coming the next day yeah yeah
and then and then we captured all that
and different angles and everything and
then the next day she’s standing there
waiting for me to move in and I pull up
in the moving truck and I open up the
back and it’s empty and then she get
looks at me with this quizzical look and
I just go psych and then he was hot back
in the truck and I Drive off and she’s
been she’s been texting me like crazy
and I’ve just been broadcasting the
texts like what happened where’d you go
why did you do this to me very funny god
sounds really funny how do you
record that these hilarious moments I
have a I have a camera crew they hide
their very small I hire from islands
that produce small people so that they
can they can kind of hide behind things
like fire hydrants and and street signs
and things those are small folks yeah
well you know the trick is you you get
them from an island with the producers
and small people and then you don’t feed
them a lot
oh that makes a lot of sense that’s
that’s good business you know you got a
telephone pole and there’s a guy hiding
behind it last thing you want to see is
his tiny little belly sticking out from
the side that’s a good point is a little
camcorder yeah well at least like at
iPhone 6 uh you know I just I went to
the Salvation Army they had all these
old camcorders and so I just bought a
whole bunch of those is that where you
found your first crew member – yep and
it’s funny because his name is Sal and
his spot on the Salvation Army I was
like what is going on that’s crazy oh my
that’s amazing so so when you go to
these countries how do you procure these
your beer workers I just I take out an
ad in the local paper okay looking for
Chinese and then you know they just come
it’s like if I place an ad in the
Craigslist like Hut girls wanted mm-hmm
I’d get tons of solicitation same thing
except there’s just all tiny people wait
a minute I want hot girls yeah well you
can do it just how you run an ad in
Craigslist just hot girls want it and
then they’ll send you all sorts of
pictures all right fair enough that
sounds like a great great method to do
business so you would run this ad in
their newspapers seeking Tiny’s but to
those people on this island wouldn’t
they be like regular Li’s good point
see regularly so you got me
finally after 31 episodes I found a hole
in one of your stories damn people yeah
I’ve got my daughter here my
seven-year-old daughter eat mm-hm and
you’ve given her some I’ll say good
advice just because I’m polite in the
past
that’s another word for it honey it’s
good some advice before in the past and
she’s asked for a chance to get some
more advice from when she calls her
uncle Brian which makes me very
uncomfortable so what would you mind
answering a few questions for Eden yes I
would mind when can we go back to school
when can you go back to school well I
like to think of it as every day as
school because every day you’re learning
new things like when you touch a stove
you learn that you shouldn’t touch a
stove lesson learned and the next day if
you’re digging in the garden and he
caught a worm in half you learn that
kills them worm dead you okay with the
headphones oh yeah so I would say you’ll
be going back you’re already in school
cuz you’re learning on a daily basis you
know so you’re already in school and
you’ll be in school forever when can I
go back actually into my school building
well you’d have to talk to your mayor
like my mayor is Bill DeBlasio and so
what you need to do is you go to the
Merrick say excuse me mr. mayor when can
I go back to school and then the mayor
goes build the balls you I’m a big dumb
dummy hold her to doodoo and then and
then he throws a random date at you and
then Governor Cuomo says no you’re wrong
and then they get into a fight back and
forth and then at some point you’ll be
back in school in September what do you
think about that we’ll see we’ll see
thank you we will see if that’s true how
do I get in touch with the mayor well to
summon the mayor you have a you can find
a big spotlight and you put a cover on
that it’s in the shape of a dummy and
then you shoot that up into the sky and
you’ll see in the clouds of the shape of
a dummy and the mayor will see that and
be like oh I’m wanted the bad signal but
for dumb Mainers yeah
make sense so uh so I think maybe for
technology class to this afternoon you
can build one of those during the
painting
like what can I do to help my my mom and
dad well you’ve got a lot of stuff going
on cuz mommy and daddy are busy and then
they’ve got to be schoolteachers on top
of that so the thing for you to do what
they like is surprises so you go into
the basement you find a can of paint or
wood stain you get a brush and then you
start painting a room that they’re not
in and then when you’re done painting it
you come in and go mommy daddy I’ve got
a surprise for you and then they walk
into the room and you go surprise I
painted by label have you ever done
laundry and dishes at the same time so
you take all the cutlery and the dishes
and you put them in the laundry machine
with mommy and daddy’s favorite clothes
and then you add a ton of soap like oh
so much soap like you think like you’re
adding too much so but you’re not and
then you start it on extra hot cycle and
you just watch as all the fun happens
one the place just break it you’ll never
know until you try can I get a job to
help my family make money yes you what
you do is you you need to become an
Instagram influencer so you need to take
500 selfies a day just you standing
there doing whatever walking around
making lunch so you take a picture of
your lunch from 12 different angles you
take a picture of Mommy and Daddy around
the house or when they’re coming out of
the shower you do anything you can to
get people to like your photos if you
have a friend named Elway and he’s a
troubled kid then you just take pictures
of him you tell him you’re gonna make
him famous cuz you’re a social-media
influencer and then you’ll be selling
advertising and you’ll make some money
and then you give it to mom and dad
so that they can buy whiskey or whatever
parents like well you could do that so
what you do is you put some of the money
under the bed and you hand them the rest
and then you tell your parents that’s
all the money you made but secretly
you’ve got most of it under your bed in
a bag that’s marked for Brian why would
it be MRSA Brian because if your parents
look under the bed and find a
money you don’t want them to think it’s
theirs you want them to think it’s
Bryan’s and then you call Brian and I’ll
come pick it up sure you can you’re
gonna take it to your house I’m just
gonna grow it I’m gonna plant it in the
backyard and grow a money tree and then
from that money tree whenever you need
money you just come over and pick off
the dollar bills from the tree one way
to find out how much money do I need to
buy um to get my independence from your
parents you probably just needed 79
dollars for a bus ticket to Miami and
then you spend 79 bucks you get on a bus
you get out in Miami and then you go I’m
here Miami and I get all my parents
money if they were Bulls accidentally
pushed down the stairs and died yes yes
you you and your brother would split the
all your parents money by 50 5050
meaning half and half so you’d get half
and your brother would get half but if
your brother also happened to be falling
down the stairs with mommy and daddy
you’d get a hundred percent which is all
of it so that’s something to think about
when you’re pushing your parents down
the stairs now remember we’ve been
talking about percentages and fractions
honey isn’t it better to have a hundred
percent a hundred percent versus 50
percent remember that’s two times more I
know both but why would you want more a
brother and no parents or just yourself
that’s precisely that’s the question you
have to ask yourself Brian how do you
make a decision like that this is I made
it the question is all this time I made
it I already answered it I want a higher
percent I want to live in a really nice
tree house I would say my brother well
then you’d save your brother so you and
your brother would get 50% each so half
each as a one keep my one money oh but
then you could come live with uncle
Brian just you and your brother
you can bring all that money Thanks I
think I’m stealing my regular pants
thank you okay but what if they fell
down the stairs and you had to come with
me it would be humiliating for your dad
of die falling down a flight of stairs I
would go in and actually you know Mina I
don’t know about Mina she bothers me I
think she’s a crime lord but she like
doesn’t she run a crime family isn’t she
smuggling exotic animals into your town
so does he steal zoo animals she’s my
favorite friend but has she looped you
into her her organization that steals
animals from the zoo and sells them to
exotic no no she was my best friend
she’s my first best friend Anna and she
would not do that yeah I don’t don’t
even know how to do that but she’s
really good at soccer
Wow how much do you pay her to be your
best friend no money what I have to pay
my best friend every month or he stops
being my friend
well good friends wouldn’t tax money
just to be their friend oh are you
serious not a good friend but I give her
money and he’s my friend well then if
you just give him money then that’s not
really true that’s not how I choose an
axe even this is the only way daddy’s
making any money right now okay I’m
what’s called furloughed and Wow I
always thought Billy Jenkins was a
really good friend because I give him
two hundred and fifty dollars and then
he says I can come over his house and we
could have four beers and then I have to
go home
sounds like a normal friendship to me
right Wow fifty dollars for a playdate
well I don’t have to pay my friend Mina
and we always extra play date once we in
bed for sleepover and we got two nights
in a row sleepover I’ve never had that
ah well at least I have my wife and I
have Mina mm-hmm
and if I married Mina she’d be my wife
and then my wife would be your best
friend hmm yeah now go over house
your house so money time that’s right
are like best buddies and then if your
parents fell down the stairs you’d be
living with your best friend
yeah and mostly playing with her yeah
and you just bury all that money in the
backyard and it’ll be safe well then we
could buy ourselves a house me Mina and
she would divorce from you I mean you
know alone alone with my annoying
brother and we could play pranks on him
and we have like the best time ever and
we made a little really happy wife Wow
he’s an annoying brother
oh yeah Mouse I mean to me no well Bryan
was talking earlier today about some
pranks that he likes to pull he’s a kind
of expert at pranks Bryan what are some
pranks you can tell a young girl to plan
her brother I have an idea you go to his
room right and you get some new daddy’s
tools and you remove his door from his
bedroom and then you remove your door
from your bedroom and you switch the
doors so his door is on your room and
your doors on his room so when he goes
into his door he’s in your room dad
Francisco would know how you do that dad
doesn’t know how to remove three hinges
is the person that can write fixing
really so Francisco is the man of the
house is what you’re saying he does all
the man things now because daddy doesn’t
know it does daddy doesn’t know how to
remove three hinges from a door so he’s
a friend he’s a friend you pay money to
come visit
oh you’re changing your story now
you are humiliating what so you pay this
man to come over your house and remove
your brother’s door is that what you’re
gonna do cuz your dad can’t do it
because he doesn’t know how to remove
three hinges yeah so when something
breaks in the house you daddy
goes and gets his toolbox or he gets his
telephone and probably cause Francisco
[Music]
I’m the man of the house okay how much
how much is Francisco getting paid Wow
and Francisco that name sounds
interesting where’s Francisco from when
daddy pays him does daddy pay him in
cash or does he write him a check well
that’s all the time we have for even
today I’d like to thank my daughter for
being on the show great job honey
so Brian Adam no Brian I identify as
Adam Jack oh my gosh when did that
change two seconds ago
Oh Adam I’m so happy for you is it okay
if I call you Adam I’m Brian now okay
I’m sorry about the whole Adam thing I
didn’t mean to that’s what you used to
be I see you as Brian or Adam thank you
you’re welcome
Brian yes cool okay cool
I saw this ask reddit chain where
basically you can ask you can log on to
the website reddit which is is a great
place to procure knowledge yeah and in
the ass credit question they just sort
of ask questions create sort of threads
of conversation and it seems like a good
thing to do in quarantine times when you
can’t maybe have as many face-to-face
conversations as possible so I thought
maybe we could ask each other some
questions on reddit yes let’s do this
okay cool so I’m just I’m scrolling I
I’m just truly going in the list mm-hmm
okay here’s one what’s the best meal
you’ve ever had you will probably never
get to have again
my mother’s pork chops well because the
pork shortage nope uh cuz Oh cuz you
went vegan nope
gosh I’m running out of your stove broke
no your mother’s stove broke my mother
broke your mommy broke yeah oh geez what
happened
she died what’s the worst thing to say
to a person next to you at a urinal for
me it’s usually honey who’s watching the
kids that’s pretty good yeah that’s that
that would be the worst what is
something that you would never confess
to your family the truth about the JFK
assassination oh that’s big yeah well I
mean so you wouldn’t say how’s your
family’s baby let’s tell your podcast
listeners what you know cuz they my
family listens to the podcast oh they
shouldn’t yeah I know I’m told I talk
about them all the time I know yeah I
mean we need the listeners but still
okay is well it’s gonna give us a hint
yes I said what happened yes great my
uncle great-uncle lee harvey was
responsible oh gosh it’s really fits
with what you find in a history book
yeah I mean not on infowars.com but
definitely in a history book if I look
that question up on Infowars what answer
what I find
well the chemtrails created the zombies
who then followed that followed a5g
impulse that made them assassinate the
president that makes sense
yeah oh I found a good one what is the
weirdest quirk you’d that your pet has
well Moche oddly enough is an
anti-vaxxer that’s a weird quirk yeah
strange this quirky
how does she push her sort of politics
on you guys whenever there’s like any
kind of reference to vaccinations or
anything she’ll walk over and just sit
right on whatever I’m reading
and then she just kind of looks at you
with this kind of look
mm-hmm and then you know yeah if I could
hear her kitty brain he’s probably gonna
like really really yeah and she won’t
budge until I finally give up and just
said I’m not gonna read your that
particular article
well that makes sense yeah you said
mochi it could make sense now you said
mochi once started a like a fanzine for
for Jenny McCarthy that right yeah mochi
was it was publishing it I found I mean
I discovered all this stuff behind the
downstairs freezer there’s a whole
little cat printing press and just all
sorts of going off and it’s like this
little fanzine cat mailing list and it
was really strange I mean I was proud of
her in some ways yeah I would be I
thought all she did was sleep all day
but she barely has this little printing
press but it makes sense to cuz at night
I kept hearing this and it was her just
publishing well you told me you thought
there was a jazz scat man in your house
right yeah I did
and you called the cops on that a number
of times yep I think I’d call the police
and then be like you know what’s your
problem I’m like I think somebody named
bleeding gums or something like that is
here and then scatting in my house I can
hear scatting uh-huh and they came a
couple of times and said dude you need
to stop calling us yeah there’s no
scatting going on Wow yeah I may not
agree with their politics I may not
agree with her her positions but you
know sometimes you just have to tip your
cap she’s motivated which I like yeah I
like that too let’s see just scrolling
through reddit here yeah I’ll find
something oh I got another one for you
slow what subject should be taught in
school but aren’t they should teach
confidence they should teach confidence
they should teach confidence that’s it
actually a fantastic idea you just see
like everybody comes in like okay sit
down everybody and then they all sit
downs like okay you know Jack and you
say here and you know Jack that was very
masculine the way you said that no one’s
ever said that to me before
yeah exactly that’s good the classic
this would build it up you know and
like yeah could you do a little more
masculine yeah okay I think you know I
need to just kind of build you up even
if it’s all false and then they have
like armwrestling except the teacher
always like loses to you but isn’t this
what schools do nowadays anyway yeah
good point
what are some things society needs to
normalize Jack punching Oh Jack punching
wait what yeah why what I would like you
I want to live in a world where people
feel it’s totally acceptable to punch
Jack’s just like start punching our
whaling on him for no reason just out of
the blue
I’ve lived in conditions like this it
was called middle school yeah and it’s
it’s not uh that’s not a good life for
some people I want every day to be
middle school for you every day
okay okay in middle school I was
overweight and I wasn’t having any sex
so I guess it’s already working
no it doesn’t count when your teacher
has sex with you know I I guess I meant
consensual sex shop class doesn’t really
count to me as class so I didn’t ever
really consider him a teacher so like
that was just its own thing huh if you
were randomly arrested what would your
family and friends assume that you did
that’s a really good question off the
top of my head yeah manslaughter
involuntary manslaughter endangerment of
a child possession of inappropriate
materials regarding children possession
of drugs misdemeanor possession of drugs
grand theft auto grand larceny tax
evasion
exposure public urination public
defecation public fornication public
californication and jaywalking that’s
what probably they would assume it’s
like in that like well wow you really
did I not answer the question no no you
did no it’s very very informative Thanks
no yeah I try to include jokes in these
but um but I just figured I’d answer
that one real yeah no you did a good you
did
solid Thank You solid oh gosh what is
something you hate but still
consistently do it
I don’t like luring hobos to their death
no you don’t like it you say I hate it
I’m gonna give you some pushback on this
I hate it I feel bad about it and I
can’t stop doing it hmm what do you
think is that a compulsion what what do
you think that is you know I see a train
and I see a hobo mm-hmm and I’m like
okay this is a great fun way to kill a
couple of hours I know that Sunday and
and so I’ll see the hobo and I’ll hop on
the train and I’ll be like you know kind
of wave him over okay buddy this train
is headed for Texas you coming you might
say I don’t know about Texas oh you’re
gonna love Texas man the women down
there second to none or really yeah and
they’re so they love hobos seriously
yeah they love hope and hop on it I’m in
the car I’m in is filled with a lot of
food and it’s really nice okay and so I
helped him climb in as the train starts
moving and then he starts to look around
he’s like where’s all the food at oh my
go you’ll see so he’s just wait here and
so I walked to the dark end of the
boxcar mm-hmm and that’s when I put on
my gorilla suit and then you know he’s
just standing there waiting for food and
then I come out of the darkness and my
gorilla suit and I’m just screaming like
yeah it’s the end and of course they
freak out and sometimes they’ll dive out
of the side of the car mmm sometimes
they will try to climb up to the top of
the boxcar cuz we’re here moving out a
pretty decent speed by now but
inevitably they wind up dead on the
tracks but now let’s get let’s get to
the you prime not concerned about them
they won’t be missed I’m concerned about
you here it seems like that’s something
you do like you say with a couple hours
in a Sunday it seems like you do enjoy
it that this is not something you in
fact hate I hate that I enjoy
it I guess that’s where yeah I hate it
but I hate that I enjoy it but I also
you know I do it because it’s a it’s a
tribute to my grandmother oh that’s a
sweet what you know we talk so much
about your dead mommy what why what
about your grandma
when I was a child and I spent time with
her doing two things she loved to do one
is she had a little jar filled with
peanut M&Ms I love that this was back
before peanuts were deadly and I’d come
over her house and she’d give me a
handful of peanut M&Ms and we’d talk and
the other thing is she’d always say I
need you to kill hobos when you get
older and she’d say not now cuz you’re
too young and you’re delicate but when
you get older when you hit 18 I need you
to kill hobos me so I feel obligated in
a way yeah cuz it’s my grandmother
wanted this yeah so I’m doing it for her
but I do hate it I don’t like the
screams I don’t like the shocked look on
their faces when I come out of the dark
in my gorilla suit I don’t I don’t like
these things as much as I should well it
seems like you’ve really put on quite a
show regarding this where maybe you
don’t necessarily hate you could just
kill the hobo you don’t have to make it
such a theatrical event I know but then
I think how from his perspective how
would he want to be murdered would he
want it to be a boring old murder where
somebody just comes up and whacks him on
the back of the head with a lead pipe or
does he want a man in a gorilla suit
bursting out of the darkness screaming
and terrifying that’s a better story it
makes it memorable for him yeah for the
brief time he’s gonna be able to
remember it that’s right before he you
know hits the ground at 50 miles an hour
or it gets caught under the wheels
hmm okay thank you for sharing that
Brian I’m glad to talk about it actually
it’s nice to get it off my chest
well I think it’s nice sometimes to
share with the audience a little bit
about ourselves about our family so I
think it’s like that was a nice touch
for future episodes to talk about
grandma like that yeah thank you yeah
welcome
what is something the school taught you
that was ultimately pointless science-y
gosh it seems like such an important
thing that wouldn’t be pointless why why
science being pointless to you because
when science comes up against your
beliefs mm-hmm especially your political
beliefs right then science is in the way
and I don’t need you putting stupid
ideas in my head like oh you know there
are two biological sexes I don’t need
dumb ideas put in my head in you know in
the name of science when there are other
things I just want to feel or believe in
or you know that are true based on the
way I’m feeling politically yeah that
makes a lot of sense so I curse my
science teachers every day right right I
get up first thing I do is I read my
horoscope because obviously that makes a
ton of sense mmm you know where mercury
was 80 million miles away over there and
definitely 60s influences my personality
in so many ways it’s obvious right and
so I do that and then I start cursing my
science teachers yeah you’re gonna tell
me crystals don’t have healing powers
yeah III don’t know I I I didn’t take
science good for you you homeschooled no
my shop teacher wrote me notes to get me
out of things um he was like a real Ally
for me at school you know I as long as I
sort of like you know he just had one or
two like rules for me it but then I
could just get away with murder in that
school good for him
yeah it was great he was a great Ally
really I have dreams about him a lot
actually but I so I want to say I miss
him but I see him sort of him I sleep a
lot I have trouble sleeping a lot in my
you know
30s and 40s mm-hmm we can talk about
that later yeah I don’t need to okay can
you just ask me just anything else just
sure anything yeah what’s the dumbest
line ever said by a fictional character
don’t tell your parents okay let’s get
off that theme something else just yeah
what’s the meaning behind your username
I’ll give you a drill okay let me see
I’m gonna find you a different question
oh geez chicks look so sad look I just
what’s a random act of kindness a
stranger has done for you that you’ve
never forgotten about it was so kind to
me what’s your least favorite food uh
Tomatoes there’s just something about
the texture you know I mean I just am
not a fan of Tomatoes huh good see I got
one for you right here what hobby are
you continuing from your childhood
making stupid videos and making stupid
recordings yeah that makes sense if you
could ban anything what would it be and
why I don’t like homicide investigations
they’re intrusive they feel judgey like
they feel like they know something yeah
they play these tricks on me right the
good cop bad cop thing I just wish it
would all go away where I don’t know if
you entered the Train exactly Oh what
were you doing around the train yard I I
find it incredibly intrusive and I don’t
like it I’d ban it in a heartbeat right
I’ll take that detective Morgan all
right I think we learned a lot and about
each other and yeah we asked a lot of
good questions on ask reddit yeah we did
yeah good job thanks jack thank you
Brian thank you jack you know it’s funny
is that with everyone wearing whatever
masks they
have flying around about 20% of the
population now looks like my shop
teacher walking towards me so I can tell
you’ve been busy during quarantine yes
as you know I’m a pretty accomplished
computer hacker right I mean I’m no bird
but I get by I so I broke into the
Patent Office the Department of patents
I broke into the mall and notice that
you have been registering inventions
like crazy these days yeah yeah yeah
right
I love inventing I know you do and I
love that you try to sort of make a
profit with your inventions that it’s
not just a tinkerer around the house
that you you really think that you can
go to market with some of the some of
your you know higher-end inventions so
yeah I broke into the Pandavas and I
wrote down a bunch of the names of
products the appended I was wondering if
you could sort of tell us about some of
your new inventions I would love to tell
you about my new inventions I can’t I
can’t begin to tell you how excited I am
as wonder if you can tell us about your
new invention called pandemic
preparedness pack yes a PPP but great at
taking advantage of what’s in the news
what’s your pandemic preparedness pack
and how is that Panda Bowl well you
patented based on the ingredients of the
pack it has everything you need to
escape a pandemic like well well there’s
a cup of gasoline in a Nutella jar and
so that you just you know let’s say you
the last thing you want to do is have to
stop at the gas station and fill up your
tank you want to get out of town right
so that gasoline depending on the
mileage of your car should give you
enough to get just outside of New York
City mm-hmm and then you’re on your own
sure there are so many containers
nowadays in 2020
why then Nutella container I’m confused
I have a lot of Nutella containers I
don’t know you seen my kids they’re
they’re both enormous they eat Nutella
for breakfast lunch and dinner yeah
both of them have type-2 diabetes as a
result I know and that’s just over the
last six weeks right yeah
but we have these Nutella containers so
they’re just piling up and I thought why
not fill those with gasoline as part of
my PPP now you would also call your
son’s a Nutella containers at this point
wouldn’t you not yeah they have any
other shirts to say thing one thing to
yes I had shirts made this a Nutella
container one Nutella container to well
it’s you pounce on that right away for a
good gag t-shirt yeah I saw an
opportunity there and I struck that’s
smart dabbing and entrepreneur thank you
jack
that’s great so okay so alright so
you’ve got them to tell a container full
of gasoline yeah smart yeah what else is
in the the PPP and by the way I just
googled PPP yeah
some incredibly disturbing images came
up but you might want to just think
about branding oh I hadn’t thought of
that
I hear always go back to my original
company name what was that BBC Brian’s
business kit uh-huh cool man but then I
realized that see is not how you spell
kit mmm-hmm because people were calling
it set to those are that’s where I went
to PPP well I just googled BBC and I see
no problems great so in my kit in
addition to the Nutella jar filled with
gasoline of course one of the first
things we all learned is that toilet
paper was in short supply yep
so in all my kits you have a cloth
napkin oh okay
which is technically recyclable toilet
paper oh gosh yeah so you have an
endless supply and that’s how I’m
labeling it on the outside endless
supply of toilet paper oh gosh people
are gonna think they’re gonna be getting
regular deliveries yeah well no they’re
they’re just gonna get what is
essentially a cloth napkin taken from
Five Guys Burgers and Fries they have a
elite dining section I don’t know if
you’re familiar with it
I have not at all that’s they hold other
discussion yeah they have a VIP dining
section in the back and elite dining
yeah
cloth napkins Maitre D’ there’s even a
there’s even a captain a waiter captain
oh yeah don’t you tip twice it’s crazy
but it’s very high-end where else then
there’s a medicine you know the pharmacy
or the medicine container
yes port from the pharmacy the orange
ones yep so there’s an assortment of
drugs in there Oh like a Tylenol yeah
benadryl I don’t know
I don’t know just drugs no well what I
did I went to my great-uncle’s nursing
home and I just kind of went through
with his cabinets and took out whatever
was in there and just dumped him into a
bag and then I just scooped handfuls and
fill each jar with the with the medicine
that makes a lot of sense they’re well
they’re a lot of them a lot of unwashed
medicine cabinets a nursing homes these
days exactly
Samarra been kind of lucrative so you
know you get in a servant of medicine
that you never know might come in handy
you know what if I you know need to take
a pill for my um high cholesterol and I
end up with an erection lasting more
than four hours like yeah yeah I don’t
know what I’m taking well you find out
don’t you because when you you know you
feel like your cholesterol level is is
the same and yet your penis is engorged
with blood for four hours then you know
what you talk yeah and also you know if
you’re hoping to have an intimate night
with your significant other mm-hmm and
then but your headache goes away then
you know what you took but it’s my wife
walls as the headache like that wouldn’t
help me right well you know Jen do you
give her one of the pills and hopefully
it’s maybe there’s like a female thing
but what if it gives her a boner lasting
for hours then you’re in for a wild
night unless it’s rendered her
incontinent okay so it’s sort of like a
jelly belly bag and we’re just like you
you you scoop it up and you just don’t
know what flavors you yeah
and that you know but it’s also kind of
gives you something to do during during
a quarantine or something because you’re
looking these pills like what a seal in
this kind of looks like it might you
know cure indigestion or lower my blood
pressure yeah yeah oh that’s fun okay
well I do you ever would you worry about
the pills expiring based on my
understanding of Medicine pills don’t
really expire the age of the big
pharmaceutical companies just tell you
that so that you go out and get more
pills okay that’s what I heard on
Infowars that’s also where you get your
medical degree is it not it is they have
an online university okay
and you graduated with honors or I get a
I have a doctorate in medicine based on
life experience mhm and I did graduate
magna cum laude but oh yeah I’ve been
pronouncing it wrong my whole life
anything else in your PPP yeah it’s a
softball bat and I just you know I drove
a couple of nails into the end of it
mm-hmm cuz you just don’t know you saw
everybody rushing to buy guns and ammo
you just don’t know at least you want a
bat what do you think you’re gonna use a
bat with nails sticking out of it for
might people might attack you for your
pee pee pee smells when they hear that
you have a lifetime supply of toilet
paper you can imagine they’ll be
bringing out the big guns to take you
down I suppose I mean unfortunately for
us you like neither of us have ever had
to use it speak for yourself
wait a minute what you’ve had users
already yep what tell us what happened
it seems like a story okay well it was
very unnerving this guy pulls up in
front of the house in a in a white van
mm-hmm he slowed I see him slow down
right by the mailbox and then he’s
sitting this white van outside my
mailbox I mean what’s up with this guy
and so I go down there and then it
deker’s me he’s come all the way from
England because the steering wheel is on
the other side of the car right and then
I see him reach and open my mailbox
oh gosh and he’s starting to stuff it
with what I assume are explosives yeah
you’re thinking British Secret Service
yeah yeah of course and so I know he’s
on the right side of the car reaching in
so I come around the left side of his
white van and just kind of climb in the
side he left the sides open and he just
as he turns around I just whack whack
whack whack whack I take him down
Wow yeah and then you know I’m like okay
he’s gone I need to bury the evidence
because the British Secret Service will
obviously be coming back so I take his
white van and I drive it down my
driveway and I ditch it in the woods and
it’s filled with just tons of mail that
he stole from people have no idea he
stole all my neighbor’s mail I’m looking
for the addresses and it’s like all the
all the mail from the neighborhood has
been stolen by this son of a bitch oh my
god call Crime Stoppers you you’re gonna
probably do for a reward I thought about
it but then I thought you know maybe
they’ll come after me who knows I don’t
want it you know we obviously he came
here all the way from Britain
something’s going on that sort of was
always the way where it’s like the
innocent person who stops the bad guy
and then they pick up the bad guys gun
or his stolen diamond and the police are
like hey you stole that diamond yeah
yeah so I just I took the van I
spray-painted stuff on the outside to
make it look like an ice-cream van was
there anything else on the white van
wait I guess it was unmarked huh no I
had you yeah you know he was under
disguise or so they had an eagle on it
or something
Oh weird yep and then of course they go
back to the mailbox and my freaked out
because I have no idea what’s been
stuffed in there of course if it’s a
booby trap and you know but of course I
can’t leave it so I created this very
elaborate thing right I took a chain and
I wrapped it around a tree across the
street and then I hooked up one end to
the mailboxes handle
so that I could you know standing around
away I can pull it and it would you know
pull the mailbox open and if there’s a
gun in there or something that’s gonna
shoot out so I have that all set up and
a frickin motorcycle guy goes by takes
him out like clotheslines him right up
and fight clothesline him off his bike
and he’s half a capitated so I’m just
like oh my god and then so I you know I
have to deal with gas I have to deal
with that and then I go back I open up
the mailbox nothing had a bastard put in
there what I don’t know what his game
was but it was another solicitation from
spectrum television to see if I wanted
to sign up for faster Internet are they
in on this I don’t know I have to assume
I gotta listen to Infowars gosh what
sort of sick plot are we in the middle
of I have no idea I’m so glad it’s so
important to be prepared during a
pandemic this is this is what happened
just to you know put a bow on the the
motorcyclist what happened were you able
to get him to a hospital or what
happened to that guy oh right you’re
right I totally oh my god I I kind of
yanked him off to the side pulled him
into the woods and covered him up with
leaves and said I’ll be back and then
Here I am chatting with you oh gosh so
I’ll check that out afterwards I guess
oh man yeah you should definitely come
to the end the pile of crows okay
that’s a good signal that’s your
pandemic preparedness back again all
right mm-hmm
Wow really good work Ryan thank you jack
no you’re so welcome I just got it
another what I wanted to ask about real
quickly
you’re a magic 9-ball magic nine ball
yes yeah yeah so er know what a magic
8-ball is it’s one of the most iconic
toys and you know maybe history what’s a
magic nine ball so I had this idea
during quarantine of course we have a
lot of Chipmunks mm-hmm writing about
the property so I developed a creative
like a small
concentration camp for chipmunks show
the kids how to build I want to teach
them how to use the power tools and
things we’ve constructed a whole little
camp for the chipmunks and what got me
thinking about Nancy’s and then I
thought what about you know if you had
like a ball that you could shake that
gave you answers yeah and maybe it’s yah
or maybe it’s nine
or maybe the Jews did it and so you just
we have this thing and you just shake it
and it’s magic nine ball because more
often than not nine comes up mm-hmm
doesn’t mean you know should I take the
kids to the Opera at nine and so okay
not gonna take him to the Opera okay
should they know uh why did my car
battery died actually shake shake shake
shake the Jews did it you know should we
do barbecue for dinner shake shake shake
yeah so it’s just it’s basically a
german version of magic 8-ball but with
some anti-semitism tossed in for good
measure
yeah Wow that’s you know it would make
me angry at the Jews because of my car
you know I need to go to go to the
grocery store to get something for my
kids to eat and it’s the Jews fault that
they’re not eating it makes me angry at
the Jews yeah well and again it’s
something we’d have to tune into
Infowars to learn more about I think by
the way our partnership with Infowars
for you to see mostly I drop them in is
going smoothly I don’t think any of our
listeners make sure you cut this part
out I think none of our listeners are
gonna pick up on it at all it’s a great
great work clever product placement if I
might say so myself it’s really smartly
done it’s just the subtlety of it is
just beyond reproach my thank you can I
just ask you one final invention that we
can move on Infowars of course great I
wanted to ask you about pants for ladies
yep it seems like chin outsider non
adventurer like myself that ladies have
pants nowadays and I’m not gonna you
know get into the political war up over
that but what what is what is pants for
ladies I was going through my wife’s
closet and I noticed none of her pants
had flies hmm okay
sure and I thought that that was very
strange that they didn’t have flies cuz
men have flies and you know we’re
talking about equality all the time and
I thought it was quite unfair so I
developed pans for ladies and all I did
was take the fly and just move it down
like four or five inches and so you know
the woman can go to the bathroom without
having to take her pants down
oh gosh that seems like with the
different equipment that men and women
have that seems like it might not work
as well so the zipper starts you know
and it kind of goes all the way towards
the back it’s like a six or seven inch
zipper okay but then you just it opens
up and then you’re the lady can do her
business you doesn’t have to take a
pants off you just unzip what I call
instead of fly uh-huh I call it of a
jibber I did I already got you gotta
have the jibber calm and I patented
vijaya I also have a Jeopardy D you
because you never know you never know
sometimes ideas are so big that yeah and
you open up a trade school whatever it
is yeah so the woman sits down opens the
vag if ER does your business zips up the
vag if er I mean is it that big a deal
to take down your pants and because you
still have to sit to pee right yeah
that’s funny that’s what the that’s my
little tagline in the back of the pants
the back of the pant cuz like lucky
jeans used to have lucky on the inside
of the fly oh I didn’t know that so now
I says you still have to sit down to pee
are there any liability concerns for
this there have been a couple I’ve had
two dozen beta testing that have come up
well what is catching is the technical
term we use which is highly unpleasant I
thought that Pleasant and then I hadn’t
thought about this but a lot of women
wear panties why have you thought of
that
because I’m not a woman hm and as you
know I like to go commando I know so I
really hadn’t thought about that but
that’s why I’m developing a line of
underwear oh we tell us about your line
of underwear well it just matches up
with the vag if er so that we don’t have
any more incidents in beta testing
mm-hmm
how would that even work like on thong
underwear it seems like there’s so
little space there anyway well that was
another thing I had an idea to put a
tiny little hook inside the jeans the
pants that you can kind of stretch your
thong over to and hook that on as you’re
going about your business
ah and then you release the the thong
and it goes back how’d that go ed beta
testing well we’re calling it elasticity
damage so a lot of times the song was
too tightly wound and came flying back
oh gosh and guests gave the clitoris a
little spanking that was questionable
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