Episode 30 Show Notes

Episode 30 Show Notes

AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED TRANSCRIPT YOU CAN’T COUNT ON FOR ACCURACY:

all right wrapping up the show any
second now but we do have time for one
more phone call looks like we have a
Miss Buttercup from Des Moines Iowa on
the phone miss buttercup you are a
talking politics with Tony and Ted I’m
gonna need you to turn down your radio
for us would you
you trade down a radio just turn it down
a bit because we can’t we’re getting
that feedback me next time buttercup
we’ve got Carl from Penobscot main all
right Carl you’re talking politics with
Tony and Ted my god you animals are
stupid you are listening to questionable
material with Jack helmet and Ryan sag
this episode a true hacker story new
video games Joe Biden’s campaign
chairman you know what I’ve noticed
Brian is now I live out in me as you
know I live in the they call the suburbs
it’s a it’s a it’s a very quiet little
town yeah it’s like San Francisco so pay
well just in terms the hills but not the
people we don’t just live in a small
little village it’s like that here yeah
it’s like ballet or something in Los
Angeles it’s like all these houses and
doing winding roads and stuff yeah yeah
exactly so so it’s still it’s a peaceful
little quiet town about a 35 minute
train ride from New York City so far
enough away from you know the city it’s
not like you could ever hear anything
but what I’ve really noticed these last
couple of days like I’ve taken the dog
out for a walk at night so about 11 or
12 o’clock at night before going to bed
and I’ve noticed that it’s like a new
level of quiet hmm like so already you
think like Oh small town yeah it’s gonna
be quiet that’s one of the nice things
about a small town but that’s not the
case because there’s always the the
trains going by down by the river and
there’s still cars and air traffic
there’s still even at like midnight
around here there’s still would be
a sense that there’s movement and now it
is as still as the forest like you can
hear the street light as if an audio
engineer we’ve been mixing it where it’s
just like it is so quiet it’s next-level
quiet because yeah well we got to fight
that we got to get out in the streets
and a protest so we can get bad boys and
pollution yeah so what what would be
your advice for that like how can we get
things louder I’m I’ve been driving
around with my car just honking the horn
just blasting the horn because people
really they feel sad when you know you
they don’t hear a horn blast every few
seconds right I’m trying to recreate
that experiencing just laying on the
horn surely you’re getting behind people
just honking honking honking screaming
at them yeah no that’s great and and and
you you have a pickup truck right
because you have your kids in the back
with chalk on like fingernails on
chalkboards yep and there yep they
they’re sitting in the back and they’re
scraping their finger I have a mounted
of blackboard
back of the truck and they’re just
scraping the hell out of that with their
fingernails which I can’t stand
personally so that’s why we’re here mas
well yeah we out of curiosity why would
you do it if if you can’t stand it and
probably no one can stand that self
because I want to remind them the city
was once vibrant and then full of the
people honking and making horrible
noises because I think it was that right
now all they have is clapping at 7:00
p.m.
of course of course look what other ways
you trying to you know because I know
you’re big in the community scene like
what are the ways you’re really trying
to sort of capture and recreate the city
vibe for people who might be missing it
well you know I’ve been peeing as
anywhere I can mm-hmm okay what y’all do
fortunately the tap water still runs so
I’ll drink a whole gallon okay no wolf
that down and then I’ll just go out in
the street and just kind of you know
within a six-block radius just you know
mark territory right so that any I want
you know I think the best thing that you
like people do with their dogs is you do
it on the building
and then yep it runs across the sidewalk
and into the street where it belongs now
but that way.you is really hard to avoid
and if you have a stroller there’s
nothing you can do but roll through it
and that’s kind of my way of reminding
people that they’re still in New York
and things are back to normal
oh man that’s really nice yeah that’s
really because like you know that mother
who just had a baby she didn’t control
she didn’t know 9 months ago this is
gonna happen right and she thought she
was gonna have her city baby like a
tough baby whatever and now she’s
walking around and there’s no there’s no
feces anywhere there’s no urine there’s
no no imminent danger to her child
she’s probably is like I didn’t sign up
for this yeah I’ve been leaving syringes
out on different places and I I will go
up to a trash can and just kick it over
or just just dump all the contents on
the ground and rifle through it you know
to remind people like oh yeah remember
when there was something used to be
someone here every day at 5 o’clock who
would pour all the trash out and look
for a bottle oh that’s really sweet man
and what how would you dirty at this
original I have the kids basically squat
in the gutter and just kind of suck in
some gutter water and spray it out and
then rub the the needle tip on the
asphalt and kind of get it to look like
it’s worn cuz I can’t recreate the the
drug addict experience I my meth dealer
left town Oh Brian yeah so he’s out of
town and tough on everybody
yep so I I have just been tweaked and
you know yeah that’s definitely the
right use that word what don’t know
crime has obviously fallen what are you
doing to turn that around I’ve been like
well it’s funny my my neighbor was
complaining about he’s feeling like an a
the neighborhood’s getting more and more
dangerous because he goes out to walk
the dog at night and he said that you
know the only people who were still out
there are kinda you know the majority of
them are a little sketchy and what he
doesn’t know is one of them is me I put
on a ski mask and sunglasses and then I
don’t you know I’m not hitting him or
anything I’m just kind of walking about
20 feet behind him and then whenever he
stops with the dog I stop and I just
stand
and steer them it’s really a hilarious
he hates it yeah okay all right Wyatt
why is that so hilarious though it just
seems like you’re causing stress to your
nice old neighbor because you know
otherwise he’s got a very mundane
existence right you know get up take
care of the kids walk the dog there you
know this and here’s okay who was this
guy shadowing me 20 feet away and what
does he want well I want to entertain
right that’s a good point yeah yeah I
remember I called you a couple days ago
and your wife picked up and she said it
brands out surfing the subways mmm
so I assume you’re trying to sort of
bring normalcy to the subway system yeah
what are you doing there well yeah I do
the I surf the subways so I like you
know I like to hang off the side of the
subway train or sometimes get onto the
top and just split out and you know it’s
really adrenaline pumping cuz you know
you don’t know if there’s gonna be an
iron bar that your head’s going to
strike at 45 miles an hour
yeah like so many kids have died that
way and I’m trying not to do that hang
off the side and it’s just it’s a lot
it’s a fun way to travel the subway yeah
for sure for those few essential workers
who are still need mass transit to get
to work and stuff how are you sort of
recreating that the feeling though of
being on a subway with sketchy people or
under less than ideal circumstances for
them well first of all I jumped the
turnstile mm-hmm and then I walk and I
go all the way to the end of the
platform so I can get on the very first
train okay train pulls you and I’ll get
in the first train and I’ll just walk
from front to back of the train it with
the same spiel in every ladies and
gentlemen I’m sorry to disturb you I
know you’ve got a very busy day ahead of
you
listen I’ve fallen on some hard times
and blah blah blah and I’ll do my little
story and sometimes I’ll shake it up
like every once in a while I’ll be like
ladies and gentleman it’s show time and
then I’ll just start jumping around the
bars and kicking and nearly hitting
people in the face my foot and then and
then sometimes I will be a one-person
mariachi band
so I’ll just pull out my guitar and just
start serenading people in the hope of
getting tips well that’s really cool I
know this is such a specific thing but
it’s just it’s so you to be able to
to be thinking of everybody at a time
like this hmm I know you’re concerned
that the New York counterterrorism units
are you know getting maybe a little
rusty or aren’t getting the attention
that the others are there’s what are you
doing to sort of keep that alive I’ll
call in a bomb threat to a synagogue or
I will SWAT somebody you know swatting
know what swatting right
swatting is when you you call in
something that would require a SWAT team
to respond to so yeah what I’ll do
something funny like oh my god my you
know I’m I think like my daddy shot my
mommy and now he’s barricaded in his
bedroom huh oh poor me and then you call
that in 291 before you know there’s a
SWAT team at the door of whatever
address you’ve given them cuz you can
smooth the address through the internet
can you yeah I get my hacker friends
Donnie and Wilbur and so they’ll they
will spoof the address so I can you know
call the 911 through the internet they
see the address they show up and
suddenly like there’s a whole SWAT team
outside the door and they think that
there’s been a murder and there’s a
child inside possible hostage scenario
so it can be really really adrenaline
pumping how did you meet Donnie and
Wilbur your internet dudes Donnie and
Wilbur I met back in the 80s
no kidding on a bulletin board system
and we used to call in with our 300 baud
modems mm-hmm and his his hacker name
was bird and mine was white lightning
and Wilbur’s was sabotage but he spelled
it with two G’s no he at the end right
so we called him sabot AG that’s fun and
now we used to just hack things like
what like what would you do back in your
heyday my favorite was calling up an
operator and knocking her off her trunk
so if he generate the right tones you’d
knock her off her trunk and then he
could take over her trunk and have all
the powers that an operator has really
yeah
Wow that’s actually true that’s awesome
yeah but I wasn’t the mastermind behind
that that would have been Steve and he
he went by bird so what would you do
once you had the power of an operator
well in for real so Steve was like this
I he was like this kid I got to know
through basically through the internet
or whether it wasn’t even the Internet
then it was just through this bulletin
board system yeah and so this guy was
very very smart but also very very shady
like he just had a criminal mindset but
and he would do amazing things like he
would buy the Commodore 64 computer at
child world with yeah
he’d buy that with cash he’d take out
the guts and then he’d pack it with
whatever thing made it feel weighty and
then he’d repackage it return it to
child world and he keep the guts of the
Commodore 64 and build his own computers
and remember back in when the first when
the first long-distance companies
started coming out this was back when
the after mob Bell everything got split
up and you had MCI and all these other
sprint and all these other companies
come out with long distance services it
really required like a five or six digit
PIN code to make a long distance call
hmm so Steve being Steve would use his
computer he created a program that would
just call MCI all day long the 800
number and enter in a random five or six
digit number and see if it worked for
long distance and when you would come
home from school his printer would have
printed out any numbers that would work
so they oh yeah so then he called me or
even not even email message board me the
met you know he’s like okay here are the
numbers that were so everybody all his
friends would get these numbers that
worked and could make free long-distance
calls until they shut that number down
which was a couple usually a couple days
afterwards but he just kept doing that
how did he not get caught oh well here’s
that here’s the hip so my favorite was
he would call up an operator and he
would generate whatever tones it took to
knock her off of her trunk which was
basically her computer her phone company
computer he would then call up a bunch
of people he had he had a friend in
Japan on a military base so we’d call
him and we’d have these giant conference
calls that at the courtesy of AT&T
that this guy orchestrated and we just
you know it was one of these things we
just leave the phone off the hook and
you just come back to it whenever we
felt like rejoining the conversation so
this is before internet or anything so
this was a form of fun and so like the
phone will be on all day long I just
pick it up and be like hey hello who’s
here on so-and-so you know how I’m in
Japan that kind of stuff and then one
time we were doing it like oh sure I
mean what then distance rates were where
it was expensive to make a long-distance
phone call like if you called grandma in
another state it would be like okay it’s
been ten minutes we kind of need to hang
up now
yep getting expensive yeah absolutely I
mean he’s all over the all over the yeah
he’s doing a multi conference phone call
with all his buddies and an Air Force
Base in Japan military base in a plane
or anyway like all over there he was
calling anybody anywhere he wanted
whoever horn whoever he knew it was
expensive to call Denver yeah I can’t
imagine oh my gosh okay so what happened
one day well so then one day this guy
comes on which an adult voice and it was
basically you know who originated this
phone call what’s the name of the what’s
the name of the person who originated
and and you just hear Steve like
everybody hang up now hang up now sorry
but like hangs up and of course you know
you waited a second you pick up the
phone again and he was still on the line
the guy was still on the line asking
saying he was from AT&T security and
then Steve goes because you need to run
to your your junction box where the
phone comes into your house and you need
to unscrew this screw that’s there like
all these I just visualize all these
people like like running around
screening down to their basements and
unscrewing phone wires Wow and then a
few days later I got a phone call how
old are you I mean 13 14 15 or yeah oh
yeah yeah yeah you know early teens and
uh 80 security calls and the guy goes
yeah my name is so-and-so with 18 years
yeah have you ever participated in a
conference call and and that’s when at
the beginning of my acting career
because I was like what do you mean by
conference call well you know what
conference could you have you ever been
on phone calls have you been on a phone
call where there’s more than one other
person on the line like
yeah I guess like if somebody else in
the house picks up the phone we did all
this you know and they say many knew the
guys names like you know so-and-so Mike
no it doesn’t sound familiar I just kind
of and nothing ever happened from it but
you know for a teenager it was very
nerve-racking Oliver North learned from
you it was really steep I mean Steve was
the mastermind my hacker name was white
lightning and he one day my phone rings
hey I’ve only exchanged online with this
guy so basically a bulletin board system
when you dial in you connect to a
computer you leave messages for people
and then you hang up and then somebody
else dials in connects to the computer
reads their messages and then hangs up
so we became friends that way and then
one time out of the blue my phone rings
I pick it up and like Hello is like just
white lightning I’m like yeah because
I’d never use my name just I’m like holy
cow I’m like yeah he’s like this is bird
I’m like hey you know how did you get my
memories that you know cuz I can well he
was he was a criminal mastermind like he
was a very very smart devious person I
don’t know what happened to him was he
grown up no he was my age and he was
just a really interesting character
that’s my that’s my story of hacker
story is an astonishing story it was a
cool cool time it was fascinating
I loved how weird you know just how that
story came from a bit like we’re doing
all this ridiculous subway surfing and
all these ridiculous things then this
turned into this wonderful real story
yeah that’s cool bird bird bird Ryan
yes sir question what is that Jack you
have a question for me well I have an
answer for you oh good can I touch it
you may touch it can is you know come on
you may touch it may I met may I touch
it you may touch it thank you
I have another question what is that one
Jack well is it true that you’re a video
game designer yeah yep you know I know
you have a bunch of video games that
you’ve designed in our
it’s wondering if you could just sort of
take us through some of your games
explain you know what the game is maybe
some of the gameplay you could describe
a level or a boss or anything just tell
us about your video games yeah I would
love to cuz you know I tell people about
my video games and then they go and they
buy them on Steam or the Apple Store or
the Google Play Store or the Linux place
of course yeah yeah that’s great so the
first game that you invented I’d love to
know about this is super mario batali
super mario batali yeah yeah sure so as
we all know Mario Batali is a chef
mm-hmm and he he owns a couple of rest I
mean ill post oh I believe and yeah he
was involved with Italy which is that
big Italian grocery store in New York
and then he got a little I think me too
yes so he’s a kind of he’s kind of kind
of disappeared so I thought so weird
could he have gone well maybe he went
into a sewer pipe
so maybe Mario Batali climbed into a
sewer pipe to escape all the the me –
yeah right
yeah all the me – allegations he climbs
into a super pipe and so this is the
adventure Super Mario Batali and he’s
underneath in the sewer and he’s
basically making his way to Princess
Betina oh okay and he his whole goal is
to get into her room and so it starts
off and of course you know it progresses
in difficulty instead of coins to grab
his bowtie pasta that’s spinning so it’s
spinning pasta and and then he’s you
know he’s running and then you have you
know this guy every once in a while
character comes up and throws like
spoons at him and he has to duck the
spoon or jump the spoon and then as it
gets hard to get ladles the spinning
ladles come and then you have a
Griffin’s who’s jumping 12 court things
of boiling water then it mean heartily
salted for pasta so he has to avoid them
boiling water shower and you you build
up your character over the way
and you know you have every once in a
while allegations get through and at you
and you duck those and then at the end
if you succeed you get into princess
patinas room no usually in a game like
this you you you collect items along the
way they’re gonna help you with that
final your final room yeah right
you need like the special boomerang that
can reach the such-and-such the magical
flute that opens the door you know you
have all these special items what are
some of the special items in that game
but that you need to finally get into
the princess’s room and to use maybe on
the princess or so well there’s a you
know there’s a backpack of course you
know you’re gonna get the backpack from
the angry owl and then the backpack
gives you more storage capacities so
when you come across you know duct tape
or rope or a chisel or you know things
like that you can just throw them in
your backpack and then there’s a meal
balaclava so there’s kind of in the
middle there’s a Griffin and there’s a
grill he’s perched and you’ve got to
fight the Griffin and when you win you
get his balaclava oh wow obscure your
identity that’s really cool
yeah it’s a great game it’s available on
the Apple Store or steam or go away okay
I get your plug in okay my next place
here’s another game of yours that I’d
love to know more about because these
these shoot these shooter games these
first that you know first-person shooter
games wildly popular they release a new
Call of Duty game and they make 500
million dollars right there they really
do it’s like of an Avengers movie
opening every time it right it’s amazing
if you look at numbers so you have
Iranian call of duty modern warfare yes
what why why Iranian and what’s the
difference well
Iranian call of duty modern Tsar I fear
that’s fine is it’s set in Tehran okay
and what you’re you’re head of an elite
unit that has to respond to any crises
that arises and so it starts off and the
mullah summons you and the mullah says
there are people in the streets and
they’re very unhappy with our
regime you know what to do and then you
go into your room and you have all these
weapons to choose from
you know beanbag shooting gun or rubber
bullets or tear gas or you can go
straight to the fully automatic mounted
weapons and so basically then you come
coming out of the compound you know on
top of your Toyota with a mounted
machine gun and you just you know you
get points for mowing down the citizens
wow that’s really cool yeah there’s
nothing else you know you don’t have to
go in the higher levels you don’t go
attack Jerusalem or something well in
the higher levels it gets more
complicated because then you have to
fight a proxy war through Hezbollah or
Hamas seems like so much work I just
want to shoot them up yeah yes you’ve
got it you go into stealth mode and you
basically go to support the Hezbollah
and in their actions against Israel but
you can’t get discovered if you get
discovered by there’s a giant Israeli
eyeball that’s hovering over Israel and
it’s just looking and if it spots you
then they know and they make the
connection and you lose so wow that’s
that’s I I remember you telling me about
this in the past net is it true that
that the best way to sort of win the
game is to is that you have to move to
America and open up a deli and you have
to play the game for 20 years yeah make
enough money to eventually contribute to
the war it likes it takes 20 years to
play this game yeah I mean you can you
can move to you I am glad to move to the
US to open a deli or become a cab driver
right yeah so then it just becomes like
a fairly tame driving game yeah then
it’s like Grand Theft Auto without any
crime huh
well okay so again I mean I want to plug
your games Iranian call of duty modern
warfare yep huh okay well that sounds
like fun brain thanks jack so you
mentioned grand theft auto yes second
ago and it’s so funny that you did that
because I don’t know if that was you
sort of subtly trying to push me towards
another one of your games but the next
on my list
Grand Theft Auto Muppet edition please
no yeah no I just I would love to know a
no-go
shoot the messenger I don’t create all
this Muppet stuff that’s you so like why
would you put these lovable Muppet
characters in the most violent reviled
and popular gaming series of all time
what would you do in Grand Theft Auto
Muppet Edition well I wanted to do Grand
Theft Auto what is it my big loss bet
edition Grand Theft Auto Muppet Edition
right well it’s set in Sesame City it’s
like me it’s like a New York you’d
recognize it as New York but it’s Sesame
City and the Muppets are all different
crime lords and they’re scattered
throughout the city and so depending you
know obviously Big Bird works in Wall
Street and then you have Kermit who’s
Upper East Side you have Miss Piggy from
the Bronx because she’s patterns herself
after JLo she’s just an ordinary person
I’m Skylar I don’t know is there a
Skylar no Fozzie Bear from the Muppet
Show there’s Ernie
Cookie Monster snuffleupagus Bert and
Ernie are in Chelsea snuffleupagus is
Red Hook Brooklyn mm-hmm and then Oscar
the Grouch he lives in the Upper West
Side okay he’s always miserable for I
said what okay so okay great that’s
where the Muppet bosses are right how do
you play the game like what’s the
purpose of the game how do you capture
that um Grand Theft Auto grit in a
muppet world well you got it all the
families are fighting and you’ve got to
unite them you it starts and you’re in a
car with Kermit and you you see a guy
walking his dog on the sidewalk and
Kermit says to him you know take him out
any and you here and that’s your first
moment you know do you do it or not and
if you don’t do it it’s bad news for you
so you basically get out you walk behind
the guy you shoot him in the back of the
head without any kind of interaction and
you get back in the car and then Kermit
says oh you’ve done good you know and
that’s and then you become an enforcer
for Kermit and then you’re working away
through the city mm-hmm so he sends you
on a mission to kill Fozzie Bear
but yeah but then at you you about to
pull the trigger on Fozzie and Fozzie
drop some news on you and that you know
Kermit would value so you spear Fozzie’s
life and you go back and tell Kermit the
news and that then he and Fozzie
actually team up
Wow so it’s like you’re getting the gang
back together yeah some of them it says
you know it’s a slow building it’s I
mean it’s a it’s an open world yep so
you if you want you can drive around the
street you can mow people over you can
drive through Central Park if you wanted
to you can set fire to buildings you can
beat up homeless people can you learn
about the alphabet if you go to Alphabet
City mm-hmm I mean that’s the closest
cuz there’s a bunch of strip clubs there
but that’s where all the clubs are
located but there’s no real alphabet
lessons to be found
I see so what happens when you go into a
grand theft auto Muppet strip club well
there are a couple different scenarios
of course if you drink you know you can
get a little blurry sure and then you
know next thing you know you wake up and
you’re with Ernie and so and then that’s
awkward oh yeah and then you know
there’s ton of stuff to do I’m you can
change your clothes or all sorts of
clothing stores or the city you can buy
a helicopter and pick up tourists and
fly around and crash into the Hudson
River
if you come to you close to you know
single-engine Cessna Wow with strange
detail you can go down to the oculus and
then watch the stores go out of business
because nobody’s going in them mmm even
before covin yeah fun yeah so there’s
tons and tons of things to do and then
how does this biggie factor in he like
the big boss she’s the big boss in the
Bronx and as you know as any New Yorker
knows the Bronx is the the crime capital
of New York City of the five boroughs so
she’s the queen of the Bronx they call
her Queen P Queen P yes you know why
she’s Queen P obviously no I don’t
actually because she has to put in your
head if you don’t obey her Wow
let’s start I would have thought is
because her name was biggie No and so
she’s if she’s running all the
operations in the Bronx and by date by
this time like she’s like the big
monster at the end of the game that you
know either defeat and so now you’ve
United all the other member all the
other heads of the families of the
Muppet families and you’re coming after
her and there’s like this crazy crazy
shootout and and then at the end it’s
you know it’s Kermit and Peggy
face-to-face hmm how do you you just
have to kill her no Fozzie beer takes a
pool cue and splits it over his knee and
gives them both the pointed sticks that
are left and says Duke it out Wow and
then you choose which one you want to do
and then then you fight it out yes it’s
such a muppet II way to end yeah and
then it’s like and then as when I either
one of them ultimately gets the pool
cues through their eye socket and then
it’s do tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu oh wow that’s
so sad yeah that’s my game Wow so again
that’s available Grand Theft Auto Muppet
edition yes sir good luck with that
branding it’s a lot of fun thank you so
this next game you have out I’m
fascinated in because it’s would be a
challenge for someone like
you because you famously don’t really
know much about sports yeah I need
sports
Brian sack football so what what is
Brian sack football from someone like
you why would we buy that game
well because it’s based on my
interpretation of the rules which go and
that stems from my one and only football
experience which was at the Super Bowl
and in so it’s based on my understanding
of how football works so you know I have
a bunch of people on the field sure and
then you have you have like runner boy
and throw a boy and pushover man and
just a bunch of different characters you
can cycle through them and so like what
happens if if there’s kicky boy kicki
boy kicks the ball and then catchy man
grabs the ball and then throws it to
Ronnie boy and Ronnie boy starts going
to bring it to the haunt resting place
so he wants to whack it on the end of
the field he’s if he whacks that on the
end of the field hard enough they think
the ball explodes so he starts running
over that way and then you have tackle
boy and pushy boy and all these grabby
boy and they all go after him and try to
stop him from smashing his ball on the
end
Wow and then you have point numbers on
the on the field point numbers I think
from 0 10 20 so the closer you get the
to the end to the final resting place
yeah you for the resting place to smash
the ball down and break it the better
the more points you have
do you really sort of create the
football experience for um you know for
the gameplay to make it realistic are
there cheerleaders are there people in
the stands what’s that like yeah well
you have a hot lady dance so the hot
lady dance on the side and then in the
middle of the game they just run out and
they do the hot lady dance and then yeah
if you it’s very if you look into the
like you can stop your player kind of
look into the into the audience into the
stand stands out and you’ll see these
guys these vendor guys and they’ll be
like terrible beer $24 and they’re just
holding a can of terrible beer and it’s
called terrible beer it says right on
the side because it’s made with rice and
it’s terrible beer $24 and unless you
can actually hear the sounds and you
hear people screaming and and I you know
you’ll hear lots of swearing at you at
your character sure and because you’re a
piece of shit is what one of the guys
yells that’s a good one yeah and so yeah
it’s great and is that guys surrounded
by like a good class field trip so this
guy just isn’t paying attention to the
fact that he’s surrounded by fifth
graders yeah there’s like you got he’s
surrounded by fifth graders we’re just
staring at him it’s very lifelike
and so he’s screaming at you and then
all the kids are in shock there’s a very
obese man who’s passed out and throwing
up on himself
adjacent to the kids yeah and then you
have a lot of people on their phones
it’s a very realistic experience right
that’s awesome yeah that’s so great and
you have like a that sir that one kind
of guy you know stuck in the past who’s
like complaining about them this is
given to be better if there’s a white
quarterback uh racist Jim a racist Jim
is in the game yeah he’s in the game
he’s in that yeah uh-huh right and
that’s you know what I mean it it sounds
confusing as heck to sort of figure out
the gameplay but you know I want to
inhabit this universe it sounds great
and you know what’s cool there’s like a
little bar on the bottom of the screen
and it says well it’s a little green bar
and it builds over time
and then as soon as the bar fills up a
hundred percent yeah and your X button
lights up and when you what you can do
is you can now select whatever player
you want to give brain trauma to and
then press the button and Shazam you’ll
see a lightning blast strike them on the
field oh my gosh what so what happens to
the guy who that has brain trauma you
just notice he’s not as good as football
as he used to be but do you ever follow
him home you can’t yeah that’s it that’s
after the game gets out it’s like a side
quest there’s a side quest and you can
get in the car you can watch him weave
his way home okay so that let’s say he
makes it home then what happens how does
he interact with his family well he
comes home and then he causes his buddy
over and his buddy comes over he’s like
let’s go to a landfill and he takes him
to a landfill and he shoots him oh geez
why would you ever let that green bar
fill up that’s just part of the game and
the more you play the more the green bar
fills up oh my gosh oh my gosh is there
a domestic violence side question there
is you can you can you know there I
wanted to keep it open-ended so you can
you can raise dogs to fight one another
mm-hmm Wow and you can also just go
bankrupt because all your friends come
over and drain all your finances man
this is John Madden could go screw
himself this is the most realistic
football game on the market today thank
you very much Brian Jesse right SEC
football everybody go go get it where
video games are sold on the black market
say hey Brian yeah hi jack how are you
I’m still good thanks for asking again
in the middle of the show my pleasure so
I actually have some exciting news
what’s that well we just booked last
night a pretty significant interview
okay he is the chairman of the Joe Biden
campaign chairman of the whole Joe Biden
campaign the entire campaign
obviously they have shifted from primary
mode and caucus mode and a few weird at
dated states to election mode and we get
to ask them questions how cool is that
that’s a very nice get as we say in the
podcast business we did we say people
say that every brand no so what do you
say doctor I would be very excited
interviewing yeah yeah if you listen
what am i listening for just listen okay
do you hear that sound it sounds like a
guy walking on gravel do you hear the
cursing I do that’s Spanish Jack you
know what this is what is it it’s a guy
from Tijuana about to cut our internet
cables I’m about to lose my connection
Jack listen that would work
ask a lot of questions Jack it’s about
to break okay Brian is gone I’m gonna
ask a lot of questions to our next at
first and only guest
Rob coin Rob are you there yes Jack hi
how are you hey Rob I’m good how are you
I’m great Jack how are you uh you know
I’m hanging in there akin well first of
all congratulations you’re the
presumptive Democratic nominee for
president your campaign congratulations
what are some of the ways that you plan
to differentiate yourself from President
Trump again the simple sum of Joe
Biden’s ideas well
Vice President Biden knows that he’s got
a task ahead of him to connect with the
average American voter capture and he
spent a lot of time thinking about how
he can do that and one way he knows he
can do that is by taking a piano with
him wherever he goes a piano and a
mallet now everyone responds to music
jack yeah so what the vice president has
said he wants to do is to take this
piano with him on the road and he wants
to call the piano Ted Ted the piano
okay and he’ll have a rubber mallet this
kind of which you would use to where we
assemble furniture and he will bang that
narrowed on the piano
he will then put on a pair of sunglasses
and turn to the audience and say
ha-cha-cha-cha
oh okay and then oh oh oh there’s more
good go I’m sorry
Penelope who will be introduced to the
campaign shortly Penelope will come on
stage with a bag of bananas every banana
has vote for Joe on it she will take
those bananas and throw them into the
audience Joe’s idea
yes idea yeah I had a feeling that might
have been Joe’s idea what what’s the
point of any of that
well bananas as Joe knows and as you may
or may not know are high in potassium
yes so if there were to be a loud noise
at any rally and people were frightened
and they ran they wouldn’t get the cramp
in their side if they had enough
potassium and that way Joe figures he
can reach the average voter to let them
know that he cares for them and thinks
about what would happen to them under
strange circumstances such as a loud pop
wow so he’s really worried about just a
loud noise at his rally for example as
joe told us in a meeting the other night
what if the lead singer from Bananarama
mm-hmm had received a large ikea package
and in that package were packing bubbles
and she takes those bubbles with her to
a Biden rally and she’s in the front and
decides at that very moment to start
popping the packing bubbles well what
happens a loud noise a stampede people
fleeing the venue there could be
trampling and injuries and the people
who break away and run are going to get
cramps unless they have potassium Jack
where do they get potassium bananas
where did they get bananas Joe Biden
vote for Joe okay I guess when you lay
it out that way it makes them
twisted sense but is that really the
best use of the vice-president it’s time
to be thinking of strange virtuality z’
with forgotten rock bands and and fruit
and it just seems a little out there to
me to be honest with you
well it seems out there to you because
you don’t have the kind of brain that it
takes to be a vice president i don’t
mean that in an insulting way obviously
you have the kind of brain it takes to
do a a non lucrative podcast but you
don’t have the brain it takes to be vice
president of the united states he he
does and he is a thinker and he comes up
with these ideas on his own he will
stroll out of the room at any given time
of day or night depending on his sleep
schedule mm-hmm
he usually sleeps in eight to twelve
minute increments and then he has idea
time and then he’ll come into the room
he’ll announce his idea and he’ll go
back into his room I see how many of
these eight to twelve minute nap
increments can you expect during a
standard day sixteen to twenty i how it
seems like a lot you know being on the
road and then being in a campaign is
tiring hiding is tiring hiding during
the kovat crisis is tiring is it yeah
okay how many um how many hours of
traditional sleep would you say Vice
President Biden gets typical night
what’s it how many hours of sleep are we
looking at
it depends we have a campaign puppy
named Lewis and Lewis has a penchant for
stealing Joe’s Nana as he calls it now
Nana is a stuffed beer that Joe thinks
is his grandmother and Joe likes to curl
up with Nana at night and have Nana tell
him stories and go to sleep but Lewis
the puppy sometimes EV out has other
plans and Lois might sneak in and take
Nana and run off and try to bury it
somewhere in the backyard or underneath
one of our vehicles and obviously
hijinks ensue
it sounds like so what happens when a
dog steals what the vice president
thinks is his grandmother he confuses
real life with episodes of Gunsmoke and
what he’ll do is he’ll go around and
tell everybody he’s forming a posse
okay huh yeah yeah okay gun so I’ll tell
everybody he’s forming a posse and he
will round up everyone and they will all
get on their vacuums because he thinks
his vacuum is a horse
he holds the vacuum head between his
legs that’s the horse he head he pets in
the vacuum bristles which he thinks is
the mane and he rolls himself around the
house just riding around the house well
that’s what he thinks is the Wild West
and does he realize that the dog is a
dog or what does he think the dog is he
thinks the dog is a cattle rustler who
stole his beloved Nana
I see so he thinks that a cattle rustler
would steal a grandmother yes that seems
a little problematic well because the
cattle rest is running hard time so
instead of rustling cattles he’s
wrestling Nana’s I see he’s worked out
his whole plot how long does it take you
to sort of understand the plot of what’s
currently happening at Joe Biden’s mind
well every morning when we have our two
to three hour meeting mm-hmm he kind of
tells us what he thinks has happened and
from that it’s like a jigsaw puzzle jack
we take a week’s worth of meetings and
we can kind of piece together what he
thinks is going on okay right now he
thinks Nana has been kidnapped by a
cattle rustler and that he’s head of a
posse coming to get her back that could
change by Sunday morning he might think
he’s something else who that seems like
a lot of work for you it is but it makes
the job very exciting because every day
is different walk us through a briefing
meeting with the vice president well
we’ll all be assembled he’ll walk in and
he might welcome us to Congress at which
point we’ll point out were and actually
this isn’t Congress this is just a
traditional morning meeting sure and
then he’ll realize that and he might
give us a nod Ural speech so he’ll
gather himself and then he might he’ll
start to tell us his ideas that he had
the night before
and and then you know what the plan is
going forward this morning was a little
tough but we figured out he was talking
about defeating the British he thinks
it’s 1775 oh gosh but the good thing is
he listens and after some coaching
you’re able to convince him that it’s
not 1775 and then I’m not general gage
can you share with us his plan to defeat
the British it involves cutting down a
lot of large oak trees and fashioning
siege weapons catapults and other
devices that are really meant for taking
down castle walls okay so what
inevitably happens is we’ll have an hour
to to our discussion about how we’re not
trying to take down a castle we’re
trying to reclaim the United States from
Donald Trump and he eventually comes
around he understands that so we’ve
we’ve taken a caller calling a president
Trump a Redcoat hmm in the hopes that
Vice President Biden will slowly adapt
to seeing Donald Trump as the person who
he needs to defeat right maybe like for
people like Joe Biden you know you need
some maybe some visual clues like Donald
Trump wears a red hat red coat he’s
gonna realize that red is the bad color
Republican is red he’s got a red tie and
what we’ve done is we’ve adjusted the
hue on the TV set so that Donald Trump’s
orange skin actually has more of a red
hue to it that makes sense and for Joe
Biden’s red tie did I read something
about how you sort of booby-trapped his
tie so that you would he would have a
some sort of visceral reaction every
time something red comes up there’s a
thumbtack that I play strategically in
the top of the tie so when he looks down
to see red it pokes him in the throat
which of course serves two purposes
quite honestly one is to convince him to
associate red with pain yep but also
when he nods off it kind of makes him
come come awake very quickly but that’s
a fantastic idea that his his neck must
look like a like Swiss cheese at this
point a little bit
yeah he can tell it’s it’s visibly it’s
irritating to him uh wow that’s a lot to
take in already um how do we get the
economy back up and running what is Joe
Biden’s plan I’m just gonna straight up
we’re gonna go through these one by one
what is Joe Biden’s plan to get the
economy back up and running
post Colvin well obviously the the
biggest thing is we need businesses to
get back up to speed
yes he do by getting out there you know
making money and spending money that’s
what makes this economy go and what he
wants to do is as soon as it’s safe for
Americans to get back to work he wants
to you know reopen the factories so that
we can be producing b-17 bombers b-25s
tanks all the things that we need to
defeat the Germans ok that’s it’s a
shame that you know I I mean I’m gonna
take the glass as half-full on this one
it’s getting much closer to the present
day that he doesn’t think this is a
British army that he doesn’t think this
is um no that’s Spanish fleet right that
he’s either up to World War 1 or World
War 2 I’m not sure which I think it’s
very positive sign I’ve I kind that to
be very hopeful he he has on more than
one occasion told us that we need to
increase our production of doubloons
okay I guess that would restart the
economy in some way we need to defeat
the Spanish Armada okay here we go
and we need to defend our borders from
the those down south who would it be
attacking us Pancho Rivera and the
others yes does he usually come up with
these ideas like around one o’clock when
the telenovelas start yeah it’s funny
you say that he had a lot of times he
comes in mumbling in Spanish and then
we’ll go into his room and he’ll have
been watching something on Univision
gets a lot of his news from Univision
right he doesn’t speak Spanish
right it’s a he just to be clear so he
thinks like telenovelas and Spanish soap
operas and and the such are Spanish news
he thinks that it’s news he does think
it’s news who and he’s very upset that
margarita has been having an affair with
Jose yeah III guess I don’t watch that
show so I it sounds upsetting it is
because Guillermo is a lovely guy and he
doesn’t deserve margarita yeah I mean
fidelity is something we should all
strive for margarita doesn’t deserve
Guillermo right no I understand that the
vice president has lost a lot in his
life yeah man I’m to give him that one
so like a Kennedy he is yes yeah there’s
a Biden Biden or a Kennedy death like
every other month it makes you think
that maybe maybe they made some kind of
a deal with a supernatural force they
granted him certain powers and wealth
but took away from them listen he’s a
dynamic individual he’s got a incredible
amounts of life experience you know he’s
managed to secure jobs for his his
brothers and sons that would be
inconceivable to many people so he’s a
very you know he’s a unusual person sure
that said sometimes he will not remember
me okay you know we spend a lot of your
campaign manager yeah no I know we’re
not sure which direction the day will
take us based on you know what he thinks
he wants to do or who he thinks I am or
he is so in that way we’re always on our
toes we’re always prepared to shift a
180 degrees go in a completely different
direction oh my god he thinks he’s King
Arthur alright now suddenly we’re
talking about moats mmm-hmm
whereas you know previously we were
talking about the economy and now he’s
worried about his serfs Wow
it’s got to be difficult it can be it’s
you know you learn to adapt of course of
course what are some of President
Biden’s plans to reform prisons the
prison industrial complex and that sort
of thing well you know he obviously
thinks we should
stop selling our prisoners to rival
tribes he believes that that’s wrong
it’s immoral that’s outdated mm-hmm and
we all agree with him yes so I think we
all do even Republican to it that’s
great
he did he won’t sell prisoners to
Genghis Khan or any Mongols because we
know what they will do right we know
their fate no well you know the criminal
justice system is in dire need of reform
there are a lot of you know a lot of
black men in a disproportionate number
of black men in the criminal justice
system and Vice President Biden would
like to call them by a different name so
that they you know represent a different
group that doesn’t solve anything so he
so he thinks that he’ll reduce the
number of black inmates by just
reclassifying them that was the plan
yeah until you kind of threw some shade
on it well I could really tell you been
studying black culture to reach out to
the voters in South Carolina who saved
you yeah you know we need to reform the
criminal justice system you know he
wants to outlaw duels mm-hmm he lost a
lot of good friends in duels and you
know he thinks it’s just not a civilized
way to handle disputes to wrap things up
what’s the overall theme of the campaign
that we can look forward to and and
maybe some slogans that the vice
president has been banding about well
we’ve been working on a bunch of slogans
we all have our different opinions and
we all can offer ours is what our
favorites are he has a recurring
favorite that seems to be the the in the
lead for okay and it’s it’s pretty
simple okay what is it where am I that’s
simple and it can be used anywhere you
know and it doesn’t matter if you’re an
Oregon if you’re in Tallahassee or
Atlanta or Houston or Boston where am I
is universal and we can all kind of
relate to wondering where we are
mm-hmm yeah and maybe I’m in a job I
don’t like where am i yeah and it kind
of establishes it works in in the sense
that like where am I is this the America
I grew up in or is this a new an alien
place where am I I suppose that works
that way we’re still helices grouping it
okay yeah well please get back on the
show sometime and tell us how that folks
script goes okay okay good good luck
thank you jack hey thank you rob thank
you so much for listening please stay
safe see you next week everybody goodbye
that was questionable material make sure
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