Episode 29 Show Notes

Episode 29 Show Notes

AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED, UNRELIABLE TRANSCRIPT:

you are listening to questionable
material with Jack Hellmuth and Ryan
sack in this episode every single news
you missed that we’ve ever done in one
episode enjoy Jack who’s there Brian is
who we’re right here oh hi Brian so Jack
yes guess what there’s news you missed
there’s news I missed again
yeah I’m a well-read person Brian it
doesn’t matter jack in this crazy news
cycle where every week Trump stuff
dominates the news true especially this
week you miss the news so what I do is I
go out there and I find the news that
you missed catch me up Brian go ahead
have you heard of Mandarin Chinese of
course I have not a real language is
that true yep China admitted on
Wednesday that Mandarin is quote
completely made-up end quote and that
the country’s 1.4 billion citizens have
been speaking gibberish for eons in what
is considered to be the most elaborate
practical joke ever played yes Chinese
President Xi Jinping whose real name is
Tim Jenkins said that they decided to
pull the plug on the prank after
realizing that stupid Westerners were
never going to figure it out he said he
could not believe that people thought
all those squiggly words meant anything
and his countrymen were all stunned at
how many American mommies succumbed to a
trend and forced their kids to learn a
language that didn’t even exist now
Chinese president Jenkins then declared
that from now on English was the
country’s official language and
Tiananmen Square still never happened
Wow yeah that’s um that’s a lot to
unwrap I’m gonna be honest with you yeah
that’s this kind of stuff you miss cuz
all these crazy news cycles because
because of the the Trump obsession we
missed Mandarin Chinese is not a thing
they it’s fake they were just they were
playing with us so that’s the fake news
yeah although that’s yeah now these are
the kinds of things you miss in these
crazy news crazy is there anything else
oh yeah
the state of Connecticut has passed
sweeping legislation that mandates that
by 2023 all public restrooms in the
state must be gender-neutral slop
troughs now governor of Ned Lomond who
took office in January this year
now he’s expected to sign the bill which
is gonna remove all urinals and toilets
from public restrooms and replace them
with a stainless-steel slop trough now
all genders are gonna be able to urinate
defecate and expectorate into the slop
troughs which will be two feet wide 12
feet long and quite low to the ground so
people can access them if they’re
dressed like my little pony you’re there
jack I know I’m here that’s what they’re
really covering the bases they really
are see that’s the kind of stuff you
miss that seems like big news I feel
like I should have heard about that
that’s what fell through the cracks
that’s out get it definitely definitely
fell through the cracks there’s more
jack is there yeah okay what else
happened this week a British scientist
says it’s going to take a lot more than
paper bags and paper straws to save the
world
Ian Stewart was an inventor from
Manchester England just revealed his
design for the world’s first paper
condom now according to the English
newspaper the independent Stewart says
that he came up with the idea for a
paper condom while home last Saturday
night and he said yet he has a hunch
it’s just might work and he hopes to
find out before he’s 40 Wow huh it seems
like that the body’s natural rhythms
would not take to a paper condom one way
to find out jack is that creeped me out
the way you said that
that’s right Ian Stewart said okay gosh
okay yeah so it’s an untested product
it’s untested but he hopes it tested
before he’s 40 okay maybe he’d meet a
nice girl at the slop trough yeah
possibly yeah yeah there’s gonna be
everything there there really is okay I
mean they can’t be there can’t be more
there is a lot of new there’s more big
news that you never heard about okay
what else ready yep
so the 2019 world happiness report is
out and the happiest nation on earth is
a Pakistan nope
close guess again America nope
we’re I think 18th or so yes again I’m
Sweden close its Finland ok that would
the third guest was the actually close
none of the other two elbows you’re
right yeah because Pat I don’t know maps
but Pakistan I guess is not close to no
it’s not you’re right
so the 2019 report came out Finland is
number one okay okay the report factors
in GDP mmm-hmm social support life
expectancy freedom absence of corruption
cannibalism and sets with robotic
penguins and Finland edged out Norway
for the number one slot because they’ve
got slightly more robotic sex penguins
and Finnish children aren’t as chewy as
Norwegians okay can you give me that
list again because there are some things
like GDP and stuff that were really made
sense to me and then I feel like you got
a little weird at the end GDP social
support life expand imagine the
corruption cannibalism says okay yeah
it’s those last two I to me that at the
red flags the cannibalism yeah and
that’s increasing the Finns happiness
absolutely you act as if that’s a
naturally why would that be because I
finished children aren’t as chewy as
Norwegian kids they came in number two
so the cannibalism is just towards the
children I don’t live there that’s why
I’m only kind of happy doctors from a
university in upstate New York have put
out a paper claiming that obesity once
thought to be a result of poor dietary
choices is actually caused by tiny
invisible gypsies
really yes dr. Ryan Garfunkel is an
overweight ologist at the Cornell
University Biggie’s lab and Garfunkel
said that he has evidence the tiny
invisible gypsies sneaked into our
houses at night when were sleeping and
fill our bellies with a highly caloric
ghost foods he said it’s uncertain why
these invisible little gypsies do this
Oh
how ghost foods pack so many calories
but one thing is more than certain and
that’s being morbidly obese is nobody’s
fault but those mean little gypsies huh
and that’s at the biggies lab that is
the Cornell University Biggie’s lab huh
and that’s where dr. Ryan Garfunkel and
overweight ologist oh there’s are
overweight ologist yes
huh I mean that doesn’t seem I’ll tell
you from the science that I have read
that doesn’t seem accurate well you’re
wrong where did that whereas that
published it doesn’t say it said he put
out a paper okay
well you know what and heck with it I
believe him a definitive study has
finally proven that wine is good for
your health you know how they go back
and forth over time over a few weeks
it’s over it’s we know now it’s good for
your health so a 12-year study
commissioned by the Ernest and Giulio
Gallo Center of Science found that
drinking 1 to 2 quarts of wine a day
enriches the blood neutralizes all the
bad things and makes you feel good all
over
so dr. David Gallo was one of the chief
researchers at the Institute who said
quote all wines are delicious and
healthy especially the cheaper sweeter
ones that come in jugs then quote they
also said that check your sunday
supplement for a two-for-one coupon hey
man science yeah yeah jack more stories
more news that slipped through the
cracks so you found another one I did
please tell us
a jury of playground mommies found Jared
Cale of Paducah Kentucky guilty of
attempted murder for deliberately
brandishing a peanut near their beloved
children now I took the jury less than a
minute of deliberation to hand down the
verdict kale claimed he had no idea a
peanut was so incredibly deadly and that
he had only wanted to eat a peanut not
kill their children judge Karen Hoffman
told kale that a tornado could have
whipped the peanut from his fingers and
deposited into the mouth of a child who
might have had a rear lethal peanut
allergy uh-huh
so much stuff gets by us it really does
a Florida bum hopes that laughter is the
best medicine when it comes to helping
his drug and alcohol addiction Martin
Cruz of Palm Bay 32 years old said he
wrote while I I need a beer on a piece
of cardboard that he holds near the i-95
off-ramp now Cruz told the local paper
that he hopes the whimsical sign will
make people laugh and give him money
rather than accusing of being a lazy
good-for-nothing freeloader and when
asked what he hoped to do with the
potential economic windfall Cruz made a
gesture that suggested he might inject
it in his arms or drink it I don’t mean
tonight I don’t mean to laugh I was
thinking about something else
what okay and it seemed early on in that
piece what does that written because I
think it used the word bum oh it must be
written by an old person you don’t like
the word bum I prefer a bum you probably
these days have to say a home uncapable
or my mom denies yeah something like
that are there any more stories yes what
Jack do you like blueberries there okay
there okay well if you do or don’t might
depend on your politics Jack Oh turns
out that blueberries tend to
overwhelmingly vote Republican yep
Gallup conducted a poll of 43 random
blueberries last week 29 of them said
they had voted for Donald Trump in the
2016 election six voted for Hillary
Clinton and two stated that they voted
for whoever the forgettable libertarian
candidate was oh now ate blueberries
abstained from voting either because
they disliked the candidates or they’d
been added to a smoothie because of
their antioxidant properties okay how
well do you know the Gulf states jack
not particularly well okay well the
Persian Gulf state of Qatar will be
changing its name because so many people
have had issues pronouncing it Oh
Aamir tummy and bin Hamad Al Thani who
inherited the country from his dad says
that the proper pronunciation of his
country’s name is Qatar but the majority
of folks and infidels call it Qatar he
said that changing the name to something
easier to pronounce was a no-brainer
since he can unilaterally make decisions
because he’s a monarch yeah so starting
next Wednesday Jack the country will go
by the name terror financing Arab
monarchy number four Jack yes what Brian
it was there another story there isn’t a
fax I have another story that fell
through the cracks great a new report
from the Cleveland Clinic states that
people with a perceived gluten
intolerance are 83% more likely to be
annoying the doctor said that people
with perceived gluten intolerance often
had elevated levels of exasperate which
is an organic chemical associated with
being difficult at restaurants in
addition Jack the report says that
people with elevated examples also tend
to request ingredients on the side and
are seldom happy with how their steak
was prepared huh
[Music]
Jack are you familiar with Boston
Dynamics yes you are
yeah what do they do computers or
missiles or something Jack that you’re
thinking of General Dynamics Oh what’s
Boston dynamic I saw make robots Jack
the robot videos and you see like the
robot dog running and this they came out
with a new video like the robot dog jump
reaches up and opens the doorknob I saw
it and then it can jump upstairs and now
they have the two-footed one and you can
jump on tables yep and then you can kick
it and it gets back up and it runs
upstairs yes well now Jack they just
released their latest video
oh it’s their newest robot which can run
upstairs scale buildings and balance on
one foot while peppering humans with
machine-gun fire oh I’m not always one
for government regulation but maybe
here’s hoping there is some Jack yes
Brian I have new news Oh new news
something you missed what did I miss
are you familiar with Greta Thun Berg
Jack yes the Swedish environmental
activist yes well her 15 minutes of fame
might be out no because there’s a new
activist in town who’s even younger Jack
tell me ace Henderson he’s a
four-year-old non-binary heteronormative
cisgender trans person and boy does he
have a message for the
military-industrial complex Jack okay
now in a passionate speech delivered at
her preschool last Thursday ace said
that we ignore Eisenhower’s famous
warning at our peril accused grown-ups
of having shat on his future and said
she hopes we will all die
now the feisty four-year-old railed on
military spending corruption exporting
democracy and perpetual warfare and
stated that we all have blood on our
hands for participating in the
anglocentric capitalist patriarchy he
said that when she grows up he hopes to
quote disemboweled a hegemon that is
Western society end quote
the unco CH tolet trained ace then took
a mandated nap oh then those are
his her words I’m clearly unscripted oh
it’s um I feel like maybe maybe that’s
the parents Jack yes do you like
spelling bees now particularly why not
uh it just seems like there’s so many
other ways to spend my time well you’re
a buzzkill pun intended Jack well did
you know there’s a new effort underway
to make spelling bees more accessible to
everyone oh that’s nice
tell me about it well earlier this year
the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended
in an eight-way tie and people couldn’t
help but notice that of the eight
winners seven were kids of Indian and
Southeast Asian ancestry which suggested
that they came from households that
valued education and learning now
critics say that the immigrant families
had an unfair advantage over traditional
households that lacked oversight or
structure and in an effort to level the
playing field
some are recommending that future
spelling bees become more inclusive by
focusing on words that most people know
like Netflix and oMG oh that makes a and
we’re calling all I’m geo word sure Jack
I got new news for you now I love new
news that’s the best guy yeah the me2
movement yeah I’ve heard has claimed a
victory in Great Britain after setting
its sights on an elite private school
there Jack
so Charles Lipscomb the headmaster at
the private Kensington school for sexy
young ladies with silky smooth skin
announced the the prestigious
institution would be changing its name
after receiving a Malstrom of complaints
from around the world
so lipscomb Jack he said that there was
no choice but to acknowledge that
societal norms had changed since the
founding of the school in 1837
and that henceforth the school would be
named the Kensington girls school lips
command told reporters that he hoped the
name change would put an end to the
distracting controversy and allow the
school to refocus on their nearly 200
year legacy of educating women with
giant hooters
[Music]
well Jack you’ve heard of kirsten
gillibrand right yes of course right see
apparently
the New York senator is very sorry for
wasting everyone’s time by running for
president okay so speaking next to a
pile of cinder blocks in her upstate New
York backyard
Gillibrand told a birdfeeder that she
had absolutely no idea that she was so
incredibly unlikable and such an utterly
empty vessel oh now while really in a
garden hose in preparation for winter
the 52 year old wept softly and told a
bag of mulch that she didn’t realize
most of her own party absolutely
despised her for the act of
opportunistically tossing senator Al
Franken under the bus in order to gain
some unwarranted Lady virtue points
Gillibrand then sat on a mold covered
plastic lawn chair and asked a
caterpillar if it would be her friend
the caterpillar Jack said no oh shoot I
was hoping for better for her well
that’s did she think those things were
like the reporters or friends I guess oh
that’s sad
[Music]
Jack have you ever had a speeding ticket
I did once it was very upsetting I’ve
had a few speeding tickets myself five
if you can imagine and you know when
they hand you the ticket to the window
they always say something like you know
we’re looking out for you trying to keep
the road safe right yes well jack on
monday massachusetts state police chief
Jacob Schneider admitted that speed
traps are not in any way meant to
improve safety and that their sole
purpose was revenue generation for
bankrupt tiny towns and ironically a way
to pay for having too many corrupt
Massachusetts State Police can you
believe that Jack I can’t believe you
would admit that yeah it’s weird
now Schneider said that they decided to
fess up after realizing that everyone
had been on to them for years especially
when they regularly blow by you on the
Turnpike doing 90 miles an hour and he
said from this point onward as the
officer hands you a ticket he’s just
gonna come out and say something like
sorry buddy Pittsfield needs money more
than you do plus I’ve been patting my
overtime Wow
you know Brian it almost feels like that
story is personal nope Jack yes I have
more news I’m shocked Bose audio jack
have you heard of them I would just got
a was it Bose
we just got an audio system in my house
for my birthday really yeah nice fancy
yeah things are going well I guess oh
yeah well Jack the maker of high-end
audio equipment Bose announced that it
will be debuting the new Bose OC one
it’s an opinion canceling headset that
uses state-of-the-art technology to
convert the uninformed and infuriating
views of everyone around you into
soothing white noise Jack ah now boasts
CEO Philip Hess says the new technology
is a game-changer and will prevent you
from hearing or engaging with ideas and
things you don’t like almost like a
portable safe space the company hopes to
release their opinion cancelling
headsets right before Thanksgiving so
that you can avoid hearing your stupid
uncle rant during dinner about his
half-assed politics which were formed
after something someone said on the view
now has said that he believes the oc1
will be incredibly popular during this
coming election year and he also
cautions that while they will prevent
you from hearing opinions you don’t like
they can’t prevent you from seeing a pin
you don’t like so he recommends removing
Twitter and Facebook right before poking
your eyes out Beth’s opinion canceling
headphones that’s perfect for 2019 that
would be the hottest item be like an
oculus it will be the hottest item
jacket a real news item and if that were
fake I would say keep that and make it
real cuz you’ll be a trillionaire well I
don’t know how to do the technology part
of that Jack well they just released it
as a gag in a podcast there you go
sold to the lowest bidder for no dollars
[Music]
according to AM New York which is a free
local newspaper that sits in a box on
the sidewalk yep a group of Brooklyn
parents are outraged after learning that
their first grade children attended a
drag queen storytime at a local library
now critics of the event said that they
were never told about the field trip and
were completely taken aback to learn
that Ms delicious a 230 pound 45 year
old Queens man read the children
excerpts from Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory now one student’s mother said
she was disgusted to learn that her son
Atticus was exposed to something as vile
and unacceptable as a book celebrating
the enslavement of Oompa Loompas and
local dad Darrin Shelby who makes
sustainable hacky sacks out of hemp said
humanizing a capitalist propaganda
figure like Willy Wonka was
quote/unquote unthinkable and that his
child stormbringer would likely suffer
nightmares as a result a spokesman for
Ms delicious said she’s sorry parents
are upset by her choice of a book and
offered to waive the cover charge to her
legendary Saturday cabaret at this pink
stiletto lounge oh it’s a happy ending
yeah oh that’s really nice cover well
that’s a great trip right are there any
other stores here mister is that it for
the week oh god no there’s another story
jack okay are you ready I guess so
[Music]
the political swag wars are heating up
Jack now it started with one time
hopeful Beto O’Rourke’s selling t-shirts
that said hell yes we’re going to take
your guns
well now Elizabeth Warren got in on the
swag action and is selling a coffee mug
that says billionaire tears
well that set off a swag arms race of
sorts amongst the presidential hopefuls
and now the Bernie Sanders website is
offering a gasoline siphon that says
what’s yours is mine not to be outdone
Joe Biden announced that he’s selling a
large canvas tarp bearing the Biden
campaign logo and the motto
let’s found America which he says will
look great on your covered wagon as you
make your way along the Oregon Trail
uh-huh okay yeah that’s interesting
and so burnoose wants you to just to
suck gas out of the cars dad’s out of
other people’s carts okay and it’s yours
what’s yours is mine that’s really and
how much is he charging for that that is
thirty nine ninety five okay that’s that
seems reasonable for all the money
you’re gonna save it gasps absolutely
pays for itself it’s three something a
gallon if you want the super premium and
even if you don’t support Bernie I think
maybe it’s worth a visit to the website
sure I would yeah I spend a lot of time
there yesterday yeah I buy pay you did
what that’s a that was a great story
Brian what else said here there any
other stories or is that were those the
only stories of the entire week well I’m
gonna do there are more stories but I’m
gonna divert a little bit because I have
a segment that’s very important I think
okay as you know a lot of pigeons in the
city yep and all the pigeon newspapers
are shuttered oh gosh so I wanted to
offer some news for pigeons oh that’s
great yeah so for all the pigeons in the
audience
[Music]
lászló Mik foot missing of Midtown
passed away Thursday after drinking a
green liquid with cigarette butts in it
at the corner of 56 in park cause of
death is unknown
Ryan oily feathers of Gramercy
discovered an uneaten french fry on the
road near Barnes and Noble in Union
Square he was able to eat half of it
before he knocked it into the gutter
oh now herb one eye reports that the
pigeon proofing under the awnings at
Macy’s has been significantly
deteriorated
he says the awnings now provide
excellent protection from the elements
and ample room for shitting on
passers-by a large gathering near
Bleecker Park was disrupted Monday when
it was violently charged by an agitated
young human sources say the incident was
unprovoked
according to area resident Freddy suit
shitter the park has been the scene of
several unwarranted charging and is no
longer considered one of the top places
to roost in the city oh wow Peter slow
react was struck and killed by a
Department of Sanitation truck early
Wednesday morning while sitting on Canal
Street
he should have seen that coming
a memorial service will be held in the
exact same location the body will remain
on display until it deteriorates okay
news for pigeons regrets the passing of
Norma bread lady Borelli whose
combination of loneliness and insanity
made her a central park legend her
generosity will be missed a memorial
service will be held Thursday at the
fountain with catering provided by
nearby humans dropping have eaten bagels
and a correction the pile of bread
crumbs reported yesterday near Arturo’s
pizza at York and 85th was actually a
pile of sawdust we apologize for any
confusion
[Music]
Jack you’re married yes do you have a
wedding ring I’m wearing one right now
me too oh well did you buy an engagement
ring for your lady I did oh well Jack a
Kentucky man spent an unthinkable sum of
money on an absolutely necessary
engagement ring last Wednesday in the
hopes of his longtime girlfriend Karen
Wilfred will see the expensive gesture
as a significant step in their
relationship and not a harbinger of
future financial calamity Paducah native
Darryl Simmons 31 says that he spent two
months of his salary on the diamond ring
just as recommended by the people who
sell diamond rings when asked if he had
considered getting a second opinion on
the purchase he told the Times no saying
that he felt strong in the people who
sell diamond rings probably know best
what to charge for them he then hopped
into a 2019 Kia Sorento for which he
paid full sticker price because that’s
what the dealer said he’d cost in a
follow up with the times
Simon said that his girlfriend said yes
and that they hope to begin their life
together with a remarkably expensive
wedding worth 10 months of his salary
hmm it seems like he’s making a lot of
bad choices
you know that’s how it begins it is well
good luck to that happy young couple
yeah sir
[Music]
so members of extinction rebellion a
climate activist group said that they
were absolutely gobsmacked that a recent
protest didn’t garner the kind of
enthusiastic support they had
anticipated that it would now marquis
Chisum a spokesman for the group said
that they were certain that blocking 5th
Avenue during rush hour would have
helped countless thousands of people
quote see the light of the climate
threat end quote and join extinction
rebellions cause margarita Gonzales a
mother of three and one of the motorists
stuck in the chaos said that while she
fully appreciates that there are climate
issues that need to be addressed sooner
than later she missed her fucking flight
to Puerto Rico to see her family and
these entitled college can go fuck
themselves
self-absorbed privileged to tip her
family reunion not to mention everyone
else’s plans that evening the Schism
said the blowback has forced the group
to reconsider an upcoming plan to keep
elderly people from getting dialysis Wow
um really really upset margarita
yeah she’s what’s a salty she did not
mince words no man alive but you know
when you block traffic for people I
guess you’re gonna rub some people the
wrong way well you’d think people would
look ahead and think that’s not the best
way to get people to your side
you never know jack you never do just
never know maybe I’m gonna jump over
there and crap on your keyboard and get
you to support animal rights
[Music]
a famous mommy blogger said that she
could definitely see the irony in the
fact that she is a truly horrible mother
amelia von hills burg editor of the
popular mommy blog mama Palooza said
that the nature of full-time mommy
blogging was such that the entirety of
her parenting had been outsourced to
various underpaid third parties
according to von hills burg while
carefully crafting posts on how to be
the world’s most perfect mommy
she was overcompensating for grossly
neglecting the emotional and spiritual
needs of her twins Ruby and Sapphire by
spoiling the duo and letting them get
away with everything without
consequences the 49 year old single mom
said that now that her children of 13
she realize she has created quote
perfect monsters end quote
destined to become unlovable trophy
hellions for some solace hedge fund
manager like their dad Vaughn Hills Berg
also admitted Ruby and Sapphire were
named for reasons that had more to do
with website hits than practicality the
unusual candor came after three hits of
xanax and a half bottle of Pinot Grigio
wow that’s that’s that’s mommy bloggers
lunch Washington DC Metropolitan Police
Chief Peter Newsom says that after a
year-long investigation the Metropolitan
Police Department had exhausted all
leads and would be officially calling
off the search for mitch mcconnell’s
chin oh yeah in a press conference
yesterday Newsom said that in the time
right after senator McConnell’s chin had
gone missing
he was absolutely confident that it
would be found but after a fruitless
year long chin hunt he could no longer
justify diverting significant police
resources away from slightly more
pressing issues such as homicides
assaults and being overly sassy chief
Newsom says that despite the bad news he
hoped that Senator McConnell would be
able to quote keep his chin up and quote
which he immediately regretted saying
because the senator has no chin yeah man
yeah real foot-and-mouth moment for that
guy that’s what yeah I did not see that
story so that you’re a cure I’d that’s
that’s a story that I’m a sad sad story
maybe I said he does it some his lips
and and then it’s his shoulders or a
little yallop store so
[Music]
CNN reports that host Chris Cuomo is
eagerly devouring Wikipedia articles
about the recently blown-up
Iranian major-general Kasim sulemani an
individual about whom Cuomo had
previously known absolutely nothing a
spokesman for the CNN host said that
Chris was quote concerned that he always
looked like a know-nothing schmuck who
has his job only because his dad was
governor end quote and that he hoped to
changed that image by looking as though
he knew what he was talking about the
next time he was on TV
Cuomo ran into trouble initially because
when googling he was unable to spell
sulemani Kasim or Iran but after a brief
consultation with an intern the 49 year
old journalist in quotes was well on his
way to possibly not putting his foot in
his mouth again Wow and he didn’t know
how to spell Iran barely or Iran that
seems to be a point of contention with
us today no yeah you would be you appear
to be pronouncing it right and I’m
saying it like Americans say it
iran iran iran sofia and iran iran iran
yeah okay yeah i missed that story think
ya know that falls through the cracks
thanks for fighting there’s just this
every week is like a crazy cycle huh
bizarre is there more than but it must
be in the flow there’s more news
jacketing yeah please okay I don’t like
this pressure taking a cue from the
gender-reveal party trend a New York
woman has invented what she’s calling
the divorce reveal party a divorce
reveal party is similar to a gender
reveal in that family and friends gather
around however rather than using pink or
blue colors to identify the child’s
gender the host uses a lawyer who bursts
out of a cake or broom closet to present
documentation indicating the spouses
desire to terminate the marriage Dobbs
Ferry wife Betsy Hellmuth said that she
intends to host the very first divorce
reveal party this weekend unbeknownst to
her husband Jack oh that’s neat yeah
there’s a funny footnote to that story
yeah this is a crazy thing because my
wife’s name is also Betsy Hilma no
kidding that’s hilarious also Jack
that’s so weird
oh you know I also live in Dobbs Ferry
New York what are the odds of that
that’s insane that’s a really neat store
what can we go back a sec
the news you missed yeah I think we
should just move on can we just take a
quick break
no we should just keep moving on don’t
think about it
a Texas woman is the latest in a string
of mothers who mistakenly believe that
their child is extraordinary
according to sources 32 year old Joanne
Belfort of Highland Park in Dallas told
several mothers in a weekly playgroup
that her seven-year-old son Atticus
started walking early talking early and
reading early when in fact none of the
child’s milestones were anything out of
the ordinary when compared with national
averages Belford also claimed that her
child had amazing motor coordination and
was musically talented because he likes
to hum songs other mothers in the group
stay that they believe Belford claims
are far-fetched and somewhat ridiculous
but they won’t address her directly
because she hosts the playgroup in her
large and comfy family room come play
come flee wait we in Texas what does
that mean I don’t know dance I don’t
know tell us be always comfortable okay
that’s how they say it there oh is that
true yeah that’s really the way to keep
the way to make it dumb a regional yeah
no I like to cater to them directly
really good job on that some Atticus you
say Atticus it almost seems like a name
don’t take offense to this please yeah
okay it almost seems like a name that
you would make up with a contempt that
you have for that type of person that
name is a name I’ve heard at the
playground I bet it is tell me more I
will
a Los Angeles man is reconsidering his
political views after being called a Lib
tard on social media 28 year old Aaron
Haynes of Sherman Oaks said that early
yesterday morning he issued a tweet
saying he felt that the Second Amendment
was vague and should be reworded after
response calling him a quote ignorant
Lib tard end quote
Hanes said that the response by angry
Mike to 2 9 3 caused him to reevaluate
his stance
although Haynes says he’s not 100% ready
to commit to changing his point of view
he does note that angry mic presumably
had some valid points even if he failed
to share them Wow so that’s a way that’s
I guess people really can make a
difference online yeah just you just
call people names and then eventually
they’ll be like wow I guess you were
right i mean i don’t if i insult you
don’t you feel like oh yeah I should see
Brian’s way and all the time yeah yeah
big dumb jerk I agree that I’m a bad
person
wow really work yeah no that’s how it
works oh ok anyway any more stories yes
as a matter of fact there is sweet a
Roanoke man is driving back from the
airport with a woman who does not look
like the one he’d been corresponding
with 29 year-old Timothy Cummins told
the reporters he picked up a man to
bonham at the Roanoke Blacksburg Erie
Regional Airport in person after
corresponding with her for several
months on match.com
Cummins said he was currently driving
toward his apartment grappling with a
polite way to ask her why she looks so
dramatically different from her online
persona in a statement delivered inside
his head he stated that his weekend
plans would probably be altered as he
was now hesitant to introduce bonham to
his friends Bonham was unavailable for
comment
as she was staring out of the window
trying to think of a way to explain why
her profile photos were of her best
friend Diane Wow that’s a that’s a tail
yeah Wow in the end Roanoke huh
yeah good find a man to bottom is her
name Bonham Obama like Jessie Bonham oh
I thought it was like bottom like you
know you have a stinky bottom no Bonham
like John Bonham who died on puke from
drinking too much great drummer though
Led Zeppelin there you go
you know Led Zeppelin I might I know
I’ve heard of them you know John Bonham
know he was a drummer
didja didja – Oh drum sounds DDT oh now
I know his work okay
Iraqi SWAT teams apprehended a
high-ranking Isis cleric who had been
hiding out in the city of Mosul Abu
Abdullah Bari who was so fat he’s been
nicknamed Jabba the Hutt and also called
a walrus is responsible for ordering the
execution of clerics and scholars who
refused to pledge allegiance to the
Islamic state he’s also said to be
responsible for the destruction of the
tomb of the biblical prophet Jonah no
because of the extent of his crimes the
Geneva Convention does not apply and the
big fat fat it can be fat shamed before
being hung with tremendous difficulty
because he’s so incredibly fat did you
see the photo of that guy no oh my
aunt’s like almost like this I did see
him I didn’t see him gay yeah they’d
throw him the back of a pickup truck
yes sir big yeah yeah it’s awesome
anyways a dead man from like diabetes I
mean they’re gonna hang him before
diabetes gets him okay well I think
that’s that’s a race he’s been sentenced
to type to day well is that it brain
nope well fans of football will be happy
to know that Super Bowl Live is right
around the corner and it’s gonna be
Chiefs vs. four Niners Super Bowl live
will take place in Miami a Cuban city
south of Florida good luck to you teams
and may the best team get the most
points good work question mark
finally there’s hope in the war against
the coronavirus scientists at the
high-tech Media Lab at the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology say that they
have created a way to stop the spread of
the virus known as Co vid 19 their
solution health pran 2020 now health
Tron 2020 is an autonomous droid that
can approach potential victims of the
virus without fear of infecting a human
medical professional now the advanced
droid then tests for fever and takes a
swab from the individuals cheek which it
can test for any trace of the virus in a
mere 23 seconds if the test result is
positive the infected individual is
sprayed with an antibacterial foam
covered head to toe with five
millimeters of plastic wrap and brought
to one of the portable incinerators that
the government has been placing near
major metropolitan areas oh oh that that
I come with you when you laugh you go
away from the microphone that’s not
feeling the whole purpose I I did laugh
but I’m a little I’m concerned about
that story I I laughed because I didn’t
I did laugh but I didn’t want people to
think that I was so callous because I’m
concerned
yeah no it’s it’s dramatic sure it’s
different is it kind of like Soylent
Green but we don’t eat them yet it’s
that that should be getting more play ya
know that and that just that’s one of
the stories that falls through the
cracks because you know something that
we were just so obsessed with the Trump
news cycle I mean I’m concerned I feel
like I kind of want to get my kids out
of a metropolitan area oh they’ll be
fine unless you know unless he gets a
sniffle well I mean unless Health Tron
is in the hood I don’t know how many
health Tron’s they made you know and
it’s all in the naming cuz health Tron
sounds very innocuous yeah I feel I feel
comfortable knowing that health Kron is
near health ground 2020 was died Tron
I’d be like hmm right second thoughts
the health Tron come on in I want to
visit health stron and have him service
my family yeah okay maybe he will see I
don’t know how robots identify
in other coronavirus news Jack Cleveland
Bay’s coronavirus energy drink will be
changing its name after watching sales
plummet over the past month
Michelle Meyers a spokeswoman for impact
sports drinks incorporated told
reporters that they were devastated to
have to change the name after spending
so many years building up their brand
but that they had no choice after it
began to be conflated with the
contagious disease that has gotten so
much negative global press Meyer said
that the ad campaign with the tagline
enjoy a corona virus before your workout
will be retired immediately and that all
existing supplies of the drink will be
donated to shelters Myers said that they
had no plans to relaunch the drink in
the near future and would instead focus
on their line of vitamin gummies
gonorrhea chews alright so this is sort
of like when countries get the Super
Bowl champion shirts of the team that
lost right that’s like you know there’s
a bunch of kid go with you know who
thinks that Bills won four Super Bowls
sure they’re really good at football
count those Buffalo Bills they are great
that’s um
it’s sort of like the the actual AIDS
candy that existed in the 90s yes yeah
lose weight what the hell of a that’s
right that was the thing I was a legit
tag line yeah YouTube that bad another
thing I lost weight with the help of age
yay any why do yes I remember I have
another story may I hear it yeah
Reuters is reporting that a 24 year old
Portland man is so desperately in need
of attention that he commutes to work on
a unicycle Baron Wilders has several
methods of getting to work available to
him but chooses the silly one wheeled
vehicle in an effort to seem whimsical
and cool while there’s told Reuters that
quote anyone can ride a bicycle but
unicycles are much more difficult and by
virtue of riding one that makes me stand
out
I refuse to be boring end quote
according to sources Pamela Todd a 25
year old resident witnessed while
there’s riding down her street and
allegedly told sources that she wouldn’t
quote touch him with a ten-foot unicycle
that’s very Pacific Northwest that they
that she would even talk Pamela Todd
would say that yeah in that way that
ten-foot you in a second yeah that’s how
they talk up there yeah yes sir I’ve
never been it just sounds like a weird
place is that all the news I missed that
is all the news you missed this week
well that’s a that’s a good cross way to
find that stuff you know that’s what you
do you got to dig deep and you find it
it’s there you define my expectations
every single time I know that was all
the news you missed from questionable
material with Jack and Brian please
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