Episode 28 Show Notes

Episode 28 Show Notes

AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

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party won the election ha ha ha the
party but first questionable material
with Jack and Brian you are listening to
questionable material with Jack helmet
and every zoom session turns into like a
hangout at the pub session I say looks
like you know their cousins in New
Zealand and then sick huh yeah don’t
mind I’m gonna open up a bottle of wine
so you’re gonna open a bottle of wine at
noon because whatever the time
difference was I was like yeah and it’s
7 o’clock here I guess we know so we
opened too you know then we then we were
having wine and then the chatting or
chatting and next thing you know the the
wines gone and and then the fighty
grabs my wife over the keyboard this
situation is now created this
interesting element to my son who just
turned nine two or three weeks ago where
he is scheduling his own playdates
online no really with his friends I keep
just for nine and he’s like I you know I
can’t I’ve got a 5 o’clock thing with
our Te’o
are you serious yes great that’s funny
and like how did you and it’s like oh we
you know he sends me messages on the I
and all this my iPad but he sends me
messages on the iPad and we talk on you
know what we’re playing this game and
good for him crazy yeah yeah he’s been
really resourceful yeah my kids are
playing with Minecraft with their
cousins in Poland polish minecraft they
try to dig that this guy against in this
guy I can’t go up right so yes yes at
home school we were working my son was
working on prefixes so you need to add
the prefix son or the prefix re and to
create a new work right so happy run
happy so unlikable likable so he so just
find a word and put on in front of it
and so you know learning about prefixes
so he did untie unfriend unfixable
unbreakable mm-hmm and then it came up
with to uh to UNPO oh dear how’s that
work dude no work so then when we were
doing r e as a joke he put that he wants
to repo okay yeah this is a nine year
old stuff real real good and then when
he wrote this sentence choose three
words with the prefix re and write three
sentences three expanded sentences he
wrote I rebuilt the Twin Towers oh my
god
what what why Wow I mean I I have been
letting him homeschool with Rudy
Guiliani
so I mean maybe that’s it I don’t know
where it’s coming from but like I where
in the world did that come from in his
head I don’t know
repo unprepared on poo I need to unplug
I’m not even I’m just trying to I don’t
want to picture that now I unplug all
right now I’m gonna go out
so you’re just talking about going to
the dump yes probably a lot of people
out there don’t necessarily know they’ve
heard of a dump but a lot of people
probably just have good their garbage
and their recycling picked up a lot of
towns and certainly cities do that for
you mm-hmm so what does dump life like
when you go to a dump who do you see
what sort of characters are there and
what and what’s the what does it dump
well it’s a place where you you can get
rid of or recycle things so dumps are
different all over the country here in
New York you know you can do plastics
recycling glass metal recycling paper
cardboard you can turn younger children
into older children what you can yeah
you can change kids around if you want
you know if you have a kid between 0 & 3
the annoying years as a lot of parents
call them you know you can show up there
and just swap out and get somebody a
little older a little easier to deal
with oh so they provide a service yeah
you can you know you bring your beer
recyclables your glasses plastics and
all that stuff now wait a minute because
I’ve heard of this this phrase called a
dump baby yeah I had never knew what it
meant yeah dump babies are basically
babies that you picked up at the dump
and you know they did your repurposing
the baby because some people want a
younger baby they like the they like the
neediness of a 0 to 3 year old you know
other people want like more of like a
drinking buddy or so many of you they
could just hang out with and do fun
things and so you know you swap that
makes that’s so interesting I didn’t
know this I’ve also heard of women who
are so into breastfeeding that they
never liked their milk to run out I’ll
hear other women sort of snarkily talk
about like oh she’s a dump she’s a dump
diver yeah because and she’s like 60
years old and still breastfeeding yes
that’s because been breastfeeding for 45
years right because they keep returning
to dump and getting one of the younger
babies that’s still breastfeeding Wow
yeah and then when the kid gets too old
for breastfeeding they bring them back
and they repurpose no kidding you never
noticed Mike one of my kids is Korean
and the other one is Chinese I have
noticed that and I certainly I noticed
the difference immediately between the
two Asian cultures
and but I did I’m I didn’t want to say
anything because you clearly seem to
love them yeah but you never notice that
my wife is is a blonde woman from
Eastern Europe I’d notice it all the
time I think about her all the time I
think about her all the time
yeah like when you your eyes kind of lit
up in a weird way that I hadn’t seen
before what you just did it again
yeah no it’s only a thing it’s like a
sexual charge type of thing that’s so
it’s not anything weird huh okay oh
there it is again
yeah I don’t know how that’s such a
perfect woman could could make little
Asian babies but I didn’t want to say
anything so so what’s the backstory of
your kids they’re dumb babies dumb
babies yeah no kidding yeah at first the
catio child’s born and you feel this
close bond and you cut the umbilical
cord it’s a beautiful moment and you you
you maybe tear up and but then as you
know it gets more and more just tight
you know the kid doesn’t want to sleep
through the night just waking you up all
the time it’s crazy
hey three you’re over it yeah you can’t
negotiate yeah so that’s when you you
you know you pack up the recyclables and
you’re cardboard and the baby and you go
to the dump right you recycle everything
and then you go to the dump swap which
is where they keep all the kids pinned
up and knives it’s pretty nice because
it’s half covered like it was like a
like a tarp they uncouple of poles it
kind of shields the kids from the
weather yeah for the most part and then
in the wintertime what they’ll do is a
little fire entire piles of just burning
tires because that’s how they get rid of
the tires well that’s I think that’s a
fine use for recycling because the best
type of recycling is reusing something
yes so they like the tires in fire that
generates heat during the winter and
then you kind of go in you can wander
around and kind of pick the kid that you
want and so you know we looked around
and we got a lovely lovely Irish kid
named Devin but he was he was a bit too
talk baki so you know four or five weeks
into it we were right back at the dump
pile and that’s when we found long she
and Kim Jeong Kim Jeong yeah that’s
really actually now you’d told me once
and I didn’t understand at the time but
I think maybe now that that once you had
once you reference your two kids Devon
and empty empty jar empty jar pasta
sauce so so I am now sort of realizing
did you accidentally adopt an empty
recycle jar yeah yeah so what it
happened was I I was a bit out of it
that day drunk
it was recovering and I got to the jump
with the recyclables and then I was
holding the pasta jar empty pasta sauce
jar in my hand as I went to the dump
pile looking for sons and so I found one
like you’ll do and then and then I
looked in my hand as a gun you’re fine
too and so we just hop back in the car
oh god yeah my wife was furious I bet
how long were you guys a family like we
did like three days until we could go
back to the dump and swap out that’s
rough well and so how many children do
you think you’ve had before you landed
on Jung ji and Kim Jung you know you
lose track cuz you know it’s so it’s
kind of easy so you know if somebody’s
not working out they talk back they you
know that they don’t respect your time
they wake you up too early they’re
hungry you know you can just bring them
back straight to the dup get a new one
yeah and we’d be like I’d be like honey
get the dump car cuz they knew if we got
the dump car that was the car that takes
them to the dump you know that would be
like the equivalent these days of like
you’re gonna lose screen time yep the
dump car was really it was just a
regular car but we had a magnetic
sticker with a frowny face on it we’d
slap on the side of the car to kind of
scare them yeah kids visualizing that
with a smart no wow well you have it
look Brandon you have a beautiful family
so I think he did great especially your
wife who I mean I would just love to get
to know you do know her yeah yeah but I
mean
think I know what you mean I wonder what
the long-term impact is on businesses
like nursing homes and gyms yeah like
are people gonna when this is all said
and done are people gonna go back to
those things you know I’m I’m not going
back to my gym coz they charged me and
they’re being completely scummy yep New
York Sports Club yeah that’s why the
stock in New York Sports cover that town
Sports incorporated it’s like it was
like $14.50 two years ago and it’s at 46
cents got steady decline but yeah and
the way they’ve been handling this thing
is is really despicable I mean by
charging charging everybody on April 1st
yes so I called my credit card company
because you can’t get through New York
Sports Club canceled gym membership so I
called them and I sort of started to
explain it and they were and the
American Express is like no no no no we
know oh really
we’re getting so many calls about this
we’ve already found in your favor really
like when you can test a charge like
okay well freeze it or whatever and he
told me okay we frozen it and now that
we have found in your favor okay Wow
so this we’re going back into so March
16th is when they New York and a bunch
of other states were like listen we you
know we’re shutting everything down so
New York Sports Club which is owned by
the town sports international and has
like Washington Sports Club and
Pennsylvania a bunch of different sports
clubs all over there I think pretty much
the Northeast
they shut all their clubs as they’re
supposed to and then immediately fired
all their employees 8,500 employees well
so you email New York sports clubs and
you get an auto replies saying you know
we’ll get back to you and then the guy
issues the company CEO issues a notice
to everybody oh you know we’re gonna
sort this all out later so we’re gonna
you’ll be charged to April 1st your
monthly dues but we’re even though you
can’t use the gym and we’ll give you
credits later we’ll sort it all out then
and of course people are understandably
livid I mean in horse and just they’re
like what you know people like I have no
income I’m worried about you we’re in
making rent and you’re gonna charge me
for gym I can’t go to and then say we’ll
work it out later they’re pissed and
understandably so and I was pissed so I
started you know retweeting people on
social monitor just who were complaining
about New York’s birthday because I was
one of them and just we’re all you know
we treating each other and then so I
start retweeting this stuff in the New
York sport you know cuz I’m agitated
whatever and then somebody sends me a
bunch of they’d ox him you know daxing
that term so explain people who daxing
is basically coming up with lots of
personal confidential information as if
like you found somebody’s credit report
you know that has just a lot of crap on
the other addresses phone numbers
contact via singh so somebody rent some
Rando and the internet sends me a docs
on the the CEO of town sports
international and sends me all this
information on I mean I’m like you know
Mike okay well at first I’m not gonna
really he wanted me to release I’m not
gonna release it though that’s just not
right but I’m looking at it as good as
your mother’s information father’s
information or business contact so this
other stuff I’m looking through it and
then I see an address that is very
familiar to me because I know somebody
who lives literally next door like 57
and 59 and I’m like I’m like oh he lived
at 57 I know who lived at 59 so contact
him like any chance you know this guy is
a CEO of towns boys he’s like yeah of
course I know I know I’m very well I’m
like all right I’m gonna I’m gonna send
you my experience with this Jim and I
just cuz I just want you to understand
my point of view so I sent it to him and
he forwarded it to the CEO of town
Sports who then calls me the next day
Wow and then yeah and we had a
discussion about it and you know he had
gone online and seen that I was actually
one of these active members of the
pitchfork wielding mob and I’m I go dude
I you know I didn’t start the fire I you
know join the mob when I was up you know
we’re not because I was furious too I
didn’t realize I knew you or had a
connection you know so we talked you
know and I yeah I totally you know my
perspective and the perspective of
everybody on social media which was back
you know everybody’s worried they don’t
know you know what a lot of people in
New York are living hand-to-mouth I mean
paycheck to paycheck and suddenly
they’re getting hit for you know they’re
getting hit for these fees for gym they
can’t use and their fewers he’s like
well yeah but then he disagreed I think
he basically thinks he’s really doing
the right thing you know he’s doing it
from a business perspective yeah I
thought so too but you know you he’s
like well I’ll tell you what um you know
um freeze yours and I’m gonna
I’ll reverse the charges whatever I was
like well that’s great I just I feel bad
for the thousands and thousands and
thousands of other people who don’t know
you or don’t have that luxury and I’ve
continued to watch it everybody on
social medias like I can’t wait to be
done with you and then of course the
attorneys general from New York
Pennsylvania and DC sent a letter saying
listen you know you can’t do this and
you know I don’t know I’m flat I’m
absolutely gobsmacked by it all well
what’s what’s amazing about your story
is that you knew the person living next
door to the sports club yeah that’s
insane let me talk about the small world
like and then this guy is so moved by
your story that he he calls you yeah you
debate he disagrees you but he the
president normally it’s some lady named
Brenda making $9 an hour the president
like goes in click click click and
reverses your charges yeah
what’s your wife’s name okay great how’s
it going yeah did you know it huh
my wife’s name no I get out after a
while okay how did you like what’s your
process of figuring that sort of thing
out I have a rhyming scheme okay so you
want to can you sort of get us through
there because I ate the way your mind
works is always so interesting to me
yeah it’s a happy little donkey running
up the hill who’s the pretty lady who
gives Brian his pill maybe she will
touch me maybe go to bed who’s that
pretty lady Oh her name is Anna nesting
right right wow that’s it’s great to
have those those tricks yeah I look like
Connecticut is like Connect I cut and
you have a thing for your wife’s name
yeah I did but the problem is like would
it I do it for everybody so when I’m
introducing you know somebody to my wife
or whoever I have to go through the
rhyme scheme in my head so there’s this
long delay well that’s what bothered me
once because you introduced me to
someone when we were working together
and you said hey this is the producer of
my show and then you stopped so what
what is mine yeah your rhyme it really
hurt my feelings
who’s the page
Tabo standing next to me who’s that
pasty Tabo who ever could that be I do
not think I know him my mind is going
black oh wait a second that’s right the
stupid guy is Jack that’s it that’s the
rhyme I wish I could uh nask you that oh
yeah someone offered you as you said the
chance to docs this guy yeah to release
all his docs and all his information
you know after you after I got burned
with the whole rhyme about me I hesitate
to offer you this opportunity but I’m
gonna say right now do you want to Doc’s
me sure yeah go ahead
release release all of my information
that I don’t want out there all the
information that you know now’s your
chance to docs me what’s the jack on
what the people don’t know it’s that you
were arrested in to the 97 that’s right
at a petting zoo yeah okay for assault
mm-hmm says here you tried to rough up a
goat look at me cuz they have those
weird devil eyes right yeah the devil
eyes so you just go what are you looking
at you traumatized a bunch of kids on a
field trip yeah I did and they sued you
well cuz they were riding the goat at
the time yeah and then you beat up to go
they were injured they sued you and then
they won a three million dollar
settlement that’s right and then what
you did was you hit all your assets
that’s right by transferring them to
your friend Larry and even the cred
you put everything in Larry’s name so
that they couldn’t come after you
yep and then you hit your assets and
then years later when you felt like you
know that it was cool again for you to
put money back in your name you went to
Larry and he had one condition
that’s right oh that you put on a blonde
wig and marry him that’s right and go by
the name Fiona right for a while I was
Fiona helmet that’s right so you did
that you married Larry huh may I get my
maiden name yeah no I know that’s what
it says here and so you married Larry
and you were Fiona his wife mm-hmm and
you did that for three years oh I sure
did and the best and worst years of my
life yeah and then you you managed to
transfer all the assets back into your
name and then you divorced Larry I did
it was tough it was tough leaving him
but was that yeah I sort of wish I had
just like why did I punch that goat
right I mean all that it’s kind of
punching a goat
every time Larry was just just having
rough rough sex with me I just thought
to myself about that goat you know and
it’s like you got to control your temper
jack this is what you always say yeah
I’m it’s funny that one little moment
you know that terrible decision you make
and split-second can affect your life
for years and yeah you know and I’ve
been punching goats for years years and
it’s just like why did I have to do it
there why was I in a petting zoo in the
first place right well that was the
other thing you were you would know what
I see here from you being docs is that
you would not supposed to be within
1,500 feet of a petting zoo that’s right
I broke in so that was another thing
yeah yeah but I really wanted to I
really wanted to feed the animals and
then I walked by the goat section I’m
like don’t you tell me so um so okay all
right fine you got me on that stuff but
what let’s see mr. smartypants just how
good your information is what happened
after I divorced Larry well says you
moved to Milwaukee yep Wow and you
bought the rights to Schlitz Brewing
Company I did because you wanted to open
a reopened slits the legacy of Schlitz
that’s right I had my assets back and
I’m like I’m gonna I’m gonna create a
legacy yeah yeah and then you you poured
all your assets into Schlitz Brewing
mm-hmm and you hired but it says here
you hired like a really mediocre ad
agency yeah that’s right to do and they
came out with this and you spent two
million dollar campaign Slits yourself I
did I thought that well I didn’t come up
with it my ad guy did Natalie and you
you green green lighted it and you
okayed it and you thumbed up it and all
the other things you can do to approve
creative and they came out that campaign
and that thing they slits yourself
campaign just tanked parents attorneys
general they did none of no one liked it
no one no and then you you sold the
rights to Schlitz Brewing Company that’s
right and what was frustrating is like
like a fool I forgot to actually put the
beer into production yeah I just spent
all the money on ad campaign so I had
nothing it was just like ah I knew I was
forgetting something I’m not a
businessman buddy yeah you can’t you
could be forgiven for not really
understanding how the Brewing Company
works or thank you how brewing works if
you don’t if you’ve never done it before
thank you how should you know that you
have to make the beer to sell it it’s
that’s not an instinctual thing if
you’re not in the business right you
just wanted a good ad campaign and a fun
label yeah and to make a lot of money
yeah you know yeah why should that be so
hard for a guy like me I don’t know it’s
not the system is rigged
it’s 3:00 it’s almost like me it’s like
the smart people are successful yeah and
everybody else just has to suffer yeah I
mean what happens to a guy like me who
has no right owning things or no right
really I think I haven’t gone to college
yeah you should be in a ditch I should
be in a ditch either working or rotting
or face down yeah yes
yeah rotting or working in a ditch
that’s what you deserve everyone agrees
on that yeah why why would a college let
me in because I had money right well
also you said you were a gay black
asian-american
from Africa I am I still am how do you
think I work in TV you Clayton you check
off all the boxes then when you walk in
after you’ve been hired they’re like oh
you got us you’re not laying hold
Muhammad X ha ha ha you’re not but then
at that point it’s egg on their face
like oh maybe fell for it ok well you
got the gig yeah I’ve made a good living
with that that said of course with that
money I read watch slits made the same
mistake again right and it’s like and so
the worm turns man
yeah but except the second time the ad
campaign was Schlitz happening which
that was good see don’t you think that
was good you were actually a good ad man
wasn’t it that was pretty good yeah that
was pretty good but then of course you
spent all the money and advertising and
neglected to produce the beer again but
I remember the commercial where you got
you know the guys in a bar mm-hmm and
he’s surrounded by beautiful women with
low-cut dresses and there’s no halter
tops and midriffs everywhere and
gorgeous women and then he just turns to
the camera but he’s holding an empty
glass and he says Schlitz happening and
it’s because you forgot to brew beer a
second time yeah for a second time why I
mean every show right there no none of
the production or we should have at
least poured a miller lite into this
right who’s gonna know I might hear ya
who’s gonna look at that and be like oh
that’s not Schlitz that’s Miller know as
long as it’s yellow and in a glass gosh
yeah you made some huge mistakes I did
yeah yeah you remember I had Russell
Crowe in that commercial right I spent a
lot of money in it yeah you had ruff yep
Russell oh he was armwrestling George
Clooney at the end of the bar and he
wasn’t even used in the commercial just
bad grip yeah you hired them as
background actors ah God ID not good at
jobs now but it was fun yeah it was it’s
an adventure it’s life’s the great
adventure yeah oh boy well you’ve really
humiliated me Bryan I I wish I wish you
hadn’t come out and said all that stuff
so it was it please don’t talk to me
again okay I will not Ryan
yes Jack
now you went to school you you have a
degree in in urban planning and but and
also in in retail spacing right like
mall design basically yes that’s right
mall design and urban urban planning
right so which is great where do you get
your degrees from again the Don Bosco
technical school of urban design and the
Freddie Mercury School of shopping mall
structure and design
he was smart decided over the rights his
name before he passed yeah that that’s
there’s so many great people have come
from that school yeah it really is great
so you’re just so fantastic with it said
and I’ve been thinking a lot about the
changes in society from covin 19 you
know we were talking about gyms earlier
and certainly shopping malls which we’re
already struggling right you really have
to wonder if they are ever gonna bounce
back and I understand that malls are
worried about this too and that they’ve
hired you to come up with like the
redesigning malls as a way to entice
people to go shopping again at malls
so as wondering if you could share some
of your um some of your plans to get
people back in the malls to get families
to attract kids to attract older people
to to get people going back to malls and
you’ve got just so many crazy wonderful
ideas you’re on the payroll of big mall
as they say so why don’t you share some
of them some of your big mall secrets
that’s correct I’ve been hired as a
consultant to shopping malls across the
United States
amazing that are Desmond you know they
they’ve watched their their foot traffic
dwindle them it’s it’s really shameful
the big anchor stores like Sears going
out of business so you know they’re
desperate to to get people back into the
malls to so that they can wander around
and go to different stores and go to the
food courts they’ve really been
devastated of course by online shopping
ya know they came to me and they they
said you know what can we do how can we
revitalize these client spaces
you know they’re huge I know I mean
they’re just you know these enormous
spaces and they’re expensive tomorrow to
run yeah obviously the eighties and
nineties said it was this sort of like
culture almost came through them all
right yeah kids wanted to go that’s
where you know it was before the int
it’s where everybody wanted to go hang
out that’s that was a social center the
food court was a place you you hung out
with your friends you walked from story
to story you didn’t necessarily buy
anything but you kind of walked around
it was it was the epicenter and I
remember in Atlanta you know malls were
just packed all the time it was a social
place so the internet came and kind of
ruined that all cuz now everybody wants
to stay at home masturbating yes
nobody’s going to the malls anymore
that’s right I I’m not you and I are old
enough to remember a day that you used
to go to the mall to masturbate yes
right but nowadays is look I’m sorry
these lazy kids they just do it online
yep this is the idea I had so you you
get a shopping mall they have a big
space like a Sears or whatever that’s
closed
there’s tons of square footage yeah so
you build a shooting range oh and you
start training people okay and you train
them in firearms and and small caliber
weapons and so long arms pistols things
like that and you train them and then
you send them out into the world to
destroy the internet and anybody
associated with online shopping anyone
associated with it yeah we’re House
employees Jeff Bezos his secretary
anybody Wow
you send them out there and we eliminate
all of them and nobody has any choice
but to return to the malls okay it seems
them cry me to me like maybe a little
bit illegal well so this is what I did
malls have a huge amount of space yeah
and a lot of lights right yeah lights
everywhere and you got space so what
needs a lot of space
and a lot of lights I have I don’t know
moth families pot farms oh my gosh so
what we’re gonna do is really shine eyes
the pot farming industry by bringing it
into malls so every store could be a
different type of marijuana rights
remember Spencer Gifts I love everybody
loves Spencer Gifts well nowadays are
specialized in sativa which i think is
the calming weed sure I think it’s the
chill giggly weed is that the one yeah
sure I guess I’ll be honest I’m really
good at mall planning but I don’t know
much about pot well that’s okay look you
have the big ideas you’re a big idea guy
so you got your Spencer Gifts well
that’s for sativa you have the giant
Sears maybe that’s for push push hindu
kush yeah that’s the cush room and so
and though and so shopping malls become
giant destinations for people who want
to do kind of like a tour of all the
different types of marijuana and then
you go downstairs to the food court and
it’s not a food court anymore
it’s a Munchie court a bunch of court
yes so you know you have all these
little munchy stores there and really
it’s a place for you and your family to
spend the whole day sampling different
types of marijuana’s and then just
squatting in the food court in the
Munchie court just eating a variety of
chips you said you and the whole family
yeah huh okay is that really a place
that parents would be comfortable taking
to kids if they’re baked out of their
minds yeah that’s okay right gree with
that that’s true I mean yeah you’re a
rational thinker when you’ve smoked a
bunch of bong hits you sound just like
the kid of today smoking a lot of
bargains yeah you do those bong hits
next thing you know you’re gonna be down
at that mall with your wife and kids and
token up a storm
yeah totally bro yeah and just like
going in and out of the straw want to
try a little bit of that I’m gonna try a
little bit of it
and then maybe some of the stores sell
hemp products oh yeah you’re like oh man
I’m feeling like I want to wear a tie
guide hemp robe well great well that’s
the store right down here in h7 okay if
you’re not happy with the Munchie court
then yeah yeah they’ll be like an anchor
restaurant like a cheesecake factory or
a Dave & Buster’s but like a variation
right Jones it wouldn’t be Cheesecake
Factory it might be you know stoner
Ville saloon or something or Dave &
Buster’s could just be like called
twinkle lights and that’s just like it’s
not even videogames it’s just like
lights that flash different colors and
speeds and you just walk in there like
what the have potato skins and then you
just sit down that’s great
well Cheesecake Factory should open
there they’d have like a waiting list be
like two years yeah it’ll be huge and
actually half the mall could be a
Cheesecake Factory it’s not a bad idea
yeah it’d be like getting Hamilton
tickets nobody waits yeah he just
immediately said you know party of
twenty three nice right over this way
mr. Hellmuth
that’s a heck of a plan Bryan yeah and
they wouldn’t be called shopping any
malls anymore they’d be called smoking
malls sure sure I’m saying yeah I know
what you’re saying do you smoke weed
yeah
so I know what you’re saying that’s all
all I’m saying is that I get immediately
I got it you could have a restaurant
called Snoop Dogg’s Country tavern okay
it’d be a pot themed restaurant uh-huh
we’re like the waiters are just stoned
out of their minds
and they’re just laughing the whole time
you’re ordering and you already like you
know popcorn chicken bites and you get
like a salmon yeah that’s right yeah oh
I’m so sorry man I thought you said
salmon and then that goes on and on and
you can’t even get mad you don’t get mad
cuz nobody gets mad when they’re stoned
right cuz you went to see Roselli it was
totally chill yeah so that’s my plan for
rescuing shopping malls that was such a
macro idea but maybe a little bit more
micro sure well you know airsoft the gun
yes the game we basically shoot plastic
bb’s at one another at a high rate of
speed
sure you could turn these models into an
airsoft place
could you imagine the counter-strike but
like real-life counter-strike that’s
that’s awesome yeah I’ll be great that
is actually awesome like just a mall
right like capture the flag and a mall
yep I’m at the Sears you’re at the
JCPenney right yeah the other side
that’s straight-up brilliant yeah I know
I don’t want to do a bit on that I just
want to take that idea I would do that
in a heartbeat now Brian you told me
that malls are specifically coming to
you and asking you to really hone malls
to specific target demographics and that
so they’ve come to you asking how can we
change malls to appeal more to teens and
so what were some of your idea is to
change stores to change layout to change
attractions everything to appeal to that
younger crowd to get kids back and
excited to make them all a go-to event
well every mall kind of has like a town
square type set up mm-hmm
where they have Santa Claus come and the
Christmastime that kind of stuff so that
would be done up in a kind of a town
square thing and that’s where they would
have the the boomer stockade where you
know that you’d have boomers locked up
in the stockade and you could taunt them
and scream at them and spit them take
selfies and the boomer can’t do anything
because it’s right in the stockade sure
and but it’d be a fun way to kind of get
the word out you might even have a
hashtag on the stockade like hashtag you
know Windham Mall so oh that’s cool
we’re boomers come to be tortured and
then you have you know the kids taking
pictures on their instagrams and then
they’re posting that with the hashtag
and everybody next thing you know all
the kids are flooding down to see other
boomers being tortured in the middle of
the mall because the boomers force these
kids to take out college loans so they
couldn’t pay
yeah it’s their fault yeah that’s an
that’s a solid idea
yeah and I’ll just want to say I’m not a
boomer I’m a gen Xer of course you are I
miss the Boomer window by four years I
know you did so you’re safe so that’s
why you’re coming up with ideas like
that yeah take it out on the Boomers so
how are you gonna get an inventory of
boomers to be in the stockade you lure
them
how so wait a coupon saying free my
pillow if you come here at 12:30 on
Saturday holy cow exactly
see I’m saying oh gosh next thing you
know it’s like what what’s going on
stockade oh ho you boomer pictures oh my
gosh that’s good I started my car yeah
cuz you’re not gonna get them to go
voluntarily I’ll be honest they’re too
smart for that
yeah they are cuz that they studied
something useful in college now
humanities yeah exactly not grievant
Studies yeah what we can malls get old
people back to malls because you know
old people like to you know go there
almost to get their exercise maybe do a
little shopping pick up something for
the grandkids hit target you know say so
much and and old people especially have
been frightened to death byakova mm-hmm
how can we ensure old people that it’s
safe to come back to malls how can we
get those people back well they’re gonna
see through any efforts to trick them
mm-hmm cuz they’re all they’ve seen it
all yeah what’s gonna appeal the old
people to get them to go to a mall well
what do old people like nice sweaters
swell but they like telling younger
people how things were better back in
the day
absolutely so what you do is you
recreate the back of the day experience
your your mall goes bad literally goes
back in time to when the old folks
thought things were better so you have
you know as you as you’re entering the
mall you you see people scrutinizing you
based on your race and ethnicity you’re
kind of you know you get a squinty
glance if they don’t approve and if they
sense you might be Semitic they kind of
go you know they they’re they’re eyeing
you kind of maybe point at you and there
when you go in to the mall you know
there’s the familiar smell of cigarettes
because everybody’s everybody’s smoking
sure okay and even doctors you’ll see a
guy walking around and the doctors
outfit saying it’s okay my doctor smokes
camels I’m a doctor ice
camels what yeah you know and then
you’ll have like uh a funny they’ll have
like those little carousels yeah of
course is going around with the cars but
their cars from the 1950s so the the
windshields made of clay glass and
there’s no seatbelts and the carousel
will occasionally just completely stop
and then just flying out they just go
flying out of the car so you can do that
yeah remand and then you know people
come and be like ha this is the olden
times I like I like things better
you know ya know they’ll have like a
vacuum store everybody’s like for women
only cuz only women can buy vacuums
right
unless it’s their birthday but what do
you do then when it’s your wife’s
birthday and you want to get it at
vacuum ah what do you do you send your
secretary cuz when you come into the
mall you’re assigned to secretary of
course all men are given a secretary who
now does all their errands for them so
the man actually goes to the smoking
lounge sits down and drink some whiskey
while his secretary goes off and does
all the work and then he has sex with
her before heading home to the wife to
give her the vacuum for her birthday I
thought of everything you really have
thought of everything I’m gonna be out
of City I’m not their target demo I’m
going to this mall yeah this old time
mall wow that sense the whole time so
could I go and get a like a soda at a
Woolworths yeah they never reverse you
can bill you buy a scream soda they make
a reg soda and make it right there go a
shotgun you don’t have to show any
paperwork you’re like you know I like
that one what’s that one that’s a
12-gauge I’d like one of those please
ah yeah interesting could be just lunch
counters uh-huh old-fashioned
restaurants that may or may not see two
depending on your race and ethnicity
are you Cracker Barrel sure sure
basically what we call Denny’s today
Denny’s you might have somebody with
smallpox uh-huh just stumbling around
what we have that now I think what what
about Indian attacks because that’s my
big fear if I’m in a mall like that I’m
just I’m afraid the Indians are coming
which ones they’re from the ones next
door to Pakistan other ones that you
still in the country are the ones who
used to own the country who we’ve
mistakenly call Indians right since it’s
the old timey mall we would still call
Indians that’s right well so these
Native American Indians yeah they would
occasionally you know come breaking into
the mall to liven things up and they
might know they might have they come
into the mall and they might kidnap your
kid oh my god you’re gonna get him back
but they want to just shoot you you want
to kind of live the experience so they
come in they they kidnap the kid and
then they you know they disappear then
you have to round up a bunch of people
from the mall to go get your kid back
Wow
it’s sort of like what to solve the maze
or solve the box whatever that they
unlock the box rooms yeah escape rooms
escape rooms thank you sorry yeah so
it’s kind of like escape rooms where you
have to get a bunch of people together
and figure out where the Indians took
your child yeah it’s like a puzzle and
you have to kind of figure out where in
the mall your child has been stashed wow
that sounds like fun
yeah just you know it’s like to go old
times but these are recreations like
that you the Indians won’t actually
attack you or your family you’ll see
what what are you being so vague about
well we know we hire actual Native
Americans off of the reservations okay
but a lot of them for whatever reason
have a lot of resentment what’s it
what’s their deal no idea but so you
never know every once in a while it
might come out as an angry instead of an
acting burst is a real burst of anger
okay Wow gosh
well Brian that sounds you you are
clearly the right guy to hire they
kudos to the Mall of America and all the
all the all the big mall companies for
hiring you you got a heck of a lot of
great ideas Brian thank you jack thank
you for saving our economy Brian thank
you for saving our economy nope I just
set it up those you oh thank you we
remember we got to work on our
compliments and response thank you for
having me no you’re still here to your
podcast thank you okay good your podcast
too yes yes it is but stop talking and
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