Episode 25 Show Notes

Episode 25 Show Notes

The open was inspired by Madonna ‘s (since deleted) Instagram post where she was sitting in a tub in one of her mansions and telling everyone how coronavirus was a “great equalizer” and we’re all the same. That was pretty silly in and of itself, and she clearly got roasted for it, hence the deletion. But it was also kind of alarming to me because I didn’t recognize her at first. She’s clearly had a lot of work done, and it just looks weird. Madonna’s Like a Virgin tour was the first concert I ever went to. Beastie Boys opened.

Jack has the misfortune of having two young kids at home during this quarantine, and not only does he have to educate them, he has to entertain them as well. I’m luck in that I have teens who will happily avoid you if you let them.

During recording, a lawn crew fired up leaf blowers at Jack’s neighbor’s house. This during an “essential worker only” quarantine. Priorities.

Ol’ fave Tim Martin joins us again to play Doctor Chauncey Lyme. We had a big tech SNAFU that didn’t record audio for him or Jack, so he was gracious enough to try it again the next day after having 45 minutes of his time wasted. Fortunately, he’s sheltering at home so he was available.

Here’s Tim playing Tim Jong Il back in the day:

CONVENIENTLY GENERATED AUTO-TRANSCRIPT THAT MANAGES TO GET A LOT OF THINGS WRONG:

[Music]
that was Madonna in her bathtub
I hope she’s doing okay you know a lot
of us average folk don’t really
appreciate how devastating socially
isolating can be for celebrities so
please take a moment and keep them in
your thoughts can’t be easy being them
time for headlines City officials who
last month were suggesting that people
who avoided Chinatown were racist are
now saying that they’re sorry for all
the extra dead people this morning
Amazon Prime introduced next month
delivery that’s going to be replacing
next day-to-day and standard delivery so
if you have any items in your cart and
you’d like them in late April make sure
to take care of that today New York City
Mayor Bill de Blasio’s approval ratings
fell just short of kovat 1900
he’s hoping he can make things up by
pretending to be confident during the
current crisis by emulating New York
Governor Andrew Cuomo and the governor
who has really stood out as a crisis
leader lately told reporters yesterday
that he hopes this pandemic lasts
forever
because it’s the first time in years
that people haven’t been calling him an
asshole more news at the top of the hour
but first questionable material with
Jack and Brian you are listening to
questionable material with Jack Hellmuth
and Brian sack
this episode family feud job interview
tips
is there a vaccine on the horizon did we
begin yeah we did kind of a low energy
start to this thing Brian well Jack
what’d you do today oh I was a teacher
today Brian I taught 2nd and 3rd grade
math some of which I understand many of
which many of which I don’t i prepared
meals like clean dishes one of the side
effects of this virus is it makes you
and do a housewife yes absolutely I’ve
already sort of been grooming my body to
be in such a way uh-huh and now I’m
really just sort of like having my
actions match my body
you got breasts you got the pregnancy
belly and now you’ve got your the home
life see what I like to do with a woman
is I like to gain sympathy weight when
she’s pregnant I keep sympathizing right
so that’s what I did today
did the job that my Dobbs Ferry teachers
aren’t able to do so do you get all
those those the tax dollars that went
towards your public school education do
you get that money back I probably I
would assume so that just makes sense
yeah but but what really stinks for the
kids is I’m going on strike tomorrow
are you really tell you unionized yeah I
created a union then joined it oh good
and now you’re gonna go and strike for
what is it more pay that you want or
better hours now I will just want more
sex oh really okay maybe just from like
the the sexy lunch lady who lives with
me the principal yeah the principal of
our us these are fun times what about
you Brian what did you do today well
let’s see got up my wife had made peanut
butter walnut oatmeal cookies okay that
worked quite good mm-hmm
I read a lot of news okay good good well
what was the news about about the corona
virus I don’t know if you’ve heard of it
I’ve not I’ve not been
news lately well I read that teaching
kids read about the coronavirus you know
peruse Twitter very briefly today I find
Twitter very alarmist I don’t find
Twitter to be alarmist I find these
facts in the news to be alarming yeah
those aren’t helping
yeah those especially here in New York
State
yeah we are a center we’re the winner
yeah we won we are winning we are
beating the rest of the country suck at
Illinois yeah
I’ll have to say I don’t like Andrew
Cuomo the governor yes never have but no
you have not he’s doing a really good
job because he’s picking up weird Trump
and de Blasio left off or never picked
up waste applause he’s worthless that
guy’s worthless worthless but uh yeah w
no he I see Cuomo clearly is is
considering a presidential run in the
future you know this is his he’s proving
his credentials and everything and but
he’s done a good job I mean he’s really
taking the reins it’s funny cuz my
doctor my primary care doctor went to
school with Cuomo and it hates him with
a passion hates is funny like see like
he was give I think he was giving me my
flu shot and we were talking about he’s
like oh my god my god calm down here
just stab me you’ve got a needle like he
was getting so angry because he he just
really hated Cuomo from going to fort
you went to Fordham with him uh-huh oh
we went afford him yeah no well
congratulations on a productive day yeah
you know one of the things I’ve been
doing as I just have nothing but TV to
watch at night I’ve been watching a
little bit of family feud again uh-huh
and I was wondering if I could them you
know we did a thing of maybe about a
month ago where you answer family feud
questions because of course your family
was on family feud huh we had one
hundred ninety nine points and you
couldn’t get one to win it I mean I’m
sorry to bring that up but sorry we
should probably get that back story it’s
okay we can move on I thought maybe I’d
give you a quick chance we I just read
you some family feud questions and see
how you could just get that one point
okay family a few questions here we go
yeah name a reason you might get rid of
an old a family heirloom Wendy where do
kids nowadays spend most of their time
Earth tell
something many people do just once a
week basting may be a reason a person
might wake up at 2:00 in the morning
they have to set their alarm for 3:00 in
the morning name something you might eat
with a hamburger high school gym class
name a character from Game of Thrones
swordman name something you always have
to keep plugged in grandma’s ventilator
they were fruit you might eat in the
morning Richard Simmons name or reason
you might be late for work
eating Richard Simmons what is the first
thing most people do in the morning
Richard Simmons tell me a type of gun
that doesn’t shoot bullets love gun runs
after you take a selfie who might you
send it to Mike Tyson maybe something
you might put in your bed before you go
to sleep to keep you warm at night
mistress yes other person yes the judges
will accept that regulation really yes
all right good good job Bryan thanks
jack I did it yeah I don’t like took you
45 questions and you finally got a point
I get the money now yes yes you should
email Warner Brothers productions or
whoever makes that show and ask for your
money I’ll wait till they’re back in the
office yeah that’s a good idea
All Right see ya email them in next
January okay
so but hey Brian hi jack hi buddy I you
know I was just reminded of something
because I can actually hear my next-door
neighbor here in the middle of
coronavirus lockdown where all the
essential employees are allowed out in
the world yeah I can hear my next-door
neighbor has brought in a lawn care crew
to spruce up his property really
priorities yeah is your is your neighbor
like some kind of a famous author or
something or what yes unfortunately he
is I will go no farther okay yes don’t
want to have awkward interactions with
the neighbor do we no not at all
especially here’s enough money to have
me killed that’s right and he’s probably
doing that by having a crew next door
cutting his bushes in the middle of a
pandemic yes he has enough money to get
us all killed Greg hang them you know
$50 under the table Wow great yeah so um
so but I’m reminded that that makes me
think of jobs right that once this whole
crisis is over and it will end someday
mm-hmm
there is the unemployment is
unfortunately going to be very high a
lot of people have have lost their jobs
and even continued to lose their job so
the unemployment rate is gonna be very
high once people are allowed to go back
to work do anything I know I know for a
fact yeah and that got me thinking that
don’t you own an unemployment agency I
do I have an employment agency not an
unemployment agency I tried that tack
and it didn’t work out really what was
that business plan like it was basically
a we work to get you fired oh that’s
interesting
yes so then you’d have a job and we’d
stroll in and accuse you of sexual
harassment or something and then walk
away and then next thing you know you’re
out of a job but is that service that’s
the thing we we went out of business
very quickly first yeah I imagine our
first three customers were just curious
and we’re just trying to figure out what
our business model was I did you did you
take a bath on that one a big time took
out a lot of loans yeah and and banks
guaranteed those loans based on your
business model yeah they thought it was
part of a comedy series like an
undercover comedy video series right oh
they were kept looking around during the
meetings looking for cash
is hidden in the walls but they’re like
yeah sure we’ll give you this money for
an unemployment agency Wow yeah but it
was actually a legit enterprise of that
I thought of well said and then you
switch it up and then you you declared
bankruptcy and you started in an
employment agency an employment agency
which is much smarter and especially
nowadays especially nowadays so I
imagine once this is over times are
gonna be booming so it got me thinking
they’re probably a lot of listeners of
ours aren’t fortunately gonna be out of
work so maybe you could give them some
tips for finding a job once it’s time to
do so what do you think yeah absolutely
okay great so you know when you’re
working with an unemployed person you
know how do you match up the right
person with a job like if a person comes
into your office or or sends you an
email to sort of be an introductory
email how do you match a person with a
job you want to find out what you know
what you’re good at first of all you
know what you want to do and then on top
of that you know what you you know what
you’re good at doing right on so our
first will we’d have a sit-down meeting
and we can kind of role play this if you
want and I could show you what I would
do if you sat down in front of me in my
office at my employment office okay
let’s do that
okay so thanks for having me sure um I
am ready to work I have been cooped up
here for months I let’s let’s get me
back earning some money all right so can
you find me a job I’d be happy to find
you a job you know why why because when
I find you a job it makes me feel good
okay plus I get 10% of your salary oh
but I feel really good that’s 90 percent
of me feeling good fine I guess I guess
you got to do what you got to do so you
get 10% my salary right
when can I start work as soon as we get
you a job okay how are you gonna get me
a job by being diligent okay at what
well finding you a job okay good so I
would like to start working out how do
we do this what’s your name my name is
Billy Billy Billy what are you good at
my last job was shredding documents at
Pfizer
you shredded documents at Pfizer yeah
this was my job then I was the love us
furloughed okay so cuz they ran out of
documents or because of the kovat I
think I think all things shredding
document the documents you were
shredding did they happen to be about
opioids oh my gosh it’s all they were
about so many hope was it and then I
would sometimes I wouldn’t read them and
I’d like I’d sell them to newspapers
okay and I would steal stuff from the
office and stuff like that but then I
get furloughed I said because of the
virus okay so here’s what this is I see
your skill now your skill is destroying
information that would be useful to
plaintiffs in in court cases okay and
your other skill is whistleblowing /
making money off of on the side yes
thank then we’re golden you you could
work for any number of businesses
shredding documentation that they don’t
want around and you could certainly
strike up a side business selling some
of those documents to whistleblower
magazines and newspapers and websites oh
great I would love to do that okay let’s
get you on that track now that we know
what you want to do we got to start
thinking who needs you who needs to
destroy sensitive information that will
be incriminating later I’m thinking a
member of Congress a senator or a
representative and you profited off of
knowing that in full economic shutdown
was just about to happen okay there’s a
paper trail there that you’re going to
want to destroy and who is best to
destroy it but me you yeah but no such
person there’s no person that heinous
and stupid who would do such a thing so
I’m going to beg to differ
mmm okay all right let’s in your world
will pretend that person exists yeah I
do that
okay and there you go and that’s how I
do it jack Oh Brian that’s really good
so so for that guy for Billy yeah no so
how would you then tell him to shape a
resume in a cover letter in his case
he’s a document destroyer
so his resume wants to convey that so
his resume Shikin should come half
shredded as though it had gone through
the shredding machine smart little
strips and then at the top it’s gonna
say Billy Smith documentation destroyer
let me protect your secrets with a
little TM you know the little trademark
symbol don’t go to the expense of
trademarking but just say it to get the
point okay okay and you know he can
write his educational background listen
they’re not looking for rocket
scientists he’s a guy who destroys
documents that are gonna get congressmen
in trouble so he all he has to say as I
went to school here my GPA whatever
doesn’t matter
and then his list of accomplishments as
far as destroying documents so right
there at the top destroyed documents for
Pfizer anything linking us to the opioid
crisis I helped to destroy in an insurer
that it would never be presented for
trial and he could work his way down I
worked for the DNC I worked for the RNC
I worked for Run DMC whatever he could
list all his different accomplishments
who he destroyed documentation for right
now dude do you know something about run
D and C that they have a some sort of
secret that they’re trying to cover up
yes
you know they claimed in the 80s 1983 or
so to be the king of rock there ain’t
none higher yeah there’s documentation
that shows that’s not true there are
other kings of rock or no yeah and you
could god yep yep I’ve first 37 years
I’ve been saying it’s everybody yeah
mike has asked me the other day during
homeschooling who is the king of rock
well I’ll tell you there is someone who
is higher and sucker MCs are gonna call
them sire no yep anyways that that’s a
hell of a thing to drop during
quarantine days yeah well I mean I got
nothing else to do but divulge secrets
Jack okay let’s get back on topic okay
alright so that makes sense about the
resume yeah yeah what do you put in a
coverlet like whether it’s it’s Billy
Smith or or any of our listeners you
know what’s a good way to stand out and
make an impression in a cover letter so
okay in Billy’s case the cover letter
should be very direct dear senator burr
mmm-hmm I’m well aware that you based on
insider trading you dumped a ton of
stock just in time for the financial
crisis
I’m here to help here’s what I can do
and that’s where your resume ends and
you have all those shredded pieces of
paper at the other half of your resume
that’s interesting yeah okay because you
usually there are some general
platitudes or not necessary because you
can rest assured well in the case of
Senator burr you know that he’s quite
nervous and is looking for anybody to
help him destroy evidence so the first
person with you know the what would you
call it the get-up-and-go or the what
are some other expressions the that the
go get her he’s a go-getter
he’s showing he’s a go-getter I’m there
for you I’m the one who wants to to take
over this gig for you that’s great
yeah okay and then how do you toss oh
you know say you’re working with Senator
Burke how do you discuss salary because
I think that’s something that a lot of
people struggle with in terms of like do
I ask for too much if I ask for too
little you know I don’t want to scare
people off by high salary demands how do
you talk money first of all well you
know one of the ploys they do is to get
you to undervalue yourself so they’ll
say you know hey Jack how much would you
like to be paid knowing that people have
a tendency to lowball themselves you
know in Billy’s case I would say you
know he should if he hears that question
hey Billy how much would you like to be
paid he goes I don’t know how long would
you like to spend in prison
that’s kind of a reminder that he’s
facing serious jail time and he probably
wants somebody has committed and
dedicated on the staff of document
destroyers as possible right so that
gives Billy a leg up okay and then the
Senate will say probably what are your
terms and that’s when Billy can really
ask for what he thinks he’s worth okay
what would what would you if he just
came to you and asked for a figure well
knowing that it’s a temporary job and
he’s not going to be shredding documents
proving senator burrs complicity and
illegal actions forever Ryan at best
it’s it’s a year-long job maybe two so I
would ask for 550,000
a year right okay is that what you call
seasonal work yeah it is kinda it’s like
the strawberry Pickers who come up from
from Latin and South America to pick
strawberries during in June it’s kind of
like that except it’s to shred
incriminating documents until they’re
all gone
yeah is there is there sort of like a
migrant Caravan that comes up every year
to destroy documents in Washington um
you know we there had been but you know
under President Trump it’s been a lot
harder for them to to get into the u.s.
to help us destroy incriminating
documents from our government officials
so you know that job is actually falling
more into the hands of American workers
okay well maybe that sounds like a good
thing to me I do I think it’s a it’s
going to be a growing profession and in
the months to come
Wow yeah so this is good news for the
Billy Smiths out there very good news if
you can destroy documents you will have
a job okay
and generally Brian and one of the
things I know people worry about Brian
is is the job interview when you
actually go in and meet with your
prospective employer it means you’re
close right close to the job yeah you
made the cut made the first cut yeah
it’s a big deal so the importance of a
good job interview what you know can you
walk us through the process of sure you
know what to wear and how to make a good
impression in a job interview yeah so
what am i hiring for okay let’s say
let’s say veterinarian I’m a
veterinarian yep okay and I’m hiring
another veterinarian for my practice or
receptionist how about like a veterinary
assistant or more like a receptionist at
a vet’s office okay I’m a veterinarian
I’m hiring for my office for my practice
okay sure
and you’re sitting down what’s you okay
hi well have a seat I know thanks I’ll
stand no please have a seat
no I’m gonna stand because I know your
adjusted the seats to try and have power
over me nope that’s not that’s a
conspiracy thing don’t worry about I
want you just grab a seat so we can have
a conversation you’re not my boss yet
just so you know all right well thank
you very much for coming what did I do
wrong
well you were kind of a dick so right
there in that I would make a little note
because when you when you’re hiring
somebody you have a sheet
you’ve ever seen people hiring they
always have a clipboard with a sheet and
on that sheet a bunch of tick boxes and
one says is this person to dick and I
right right then and there I would have
checked that off no kidding I thought I
did really good I don’t like to show
that I’m not in his property that this
veterinarians property yet you know he’s
not my boss yet sort of setting the
parameters have a good relationship no
you’re we actually would have set off a
lot of really that you you might be
somebody like the character Angela from
the office who you probably didn’t want
to have in the office yeah okay okay
good great let’s try it can we try it
again sure I learned all right so I’m
sitting there I got my clipboard my pan
you’re in my office all right what’s
your name my name is mark mark have a
seat please thank you I would love to
have a seat here right here all right
I’m gonna sit and I’ve been seated okay
mark what makes you interested in
working for me I like animals
great well you’re in the right place
it’s a veterinary practice right you’re
funny
thank you so much mark so mark do you
have any animals of your own you have
any pets oh yes I have a tarantula and I
have two doggies and I’m married to my
cat Marlene you married to a cat
yes she’s my wife Marlene so your wife
as a cat or your she’s cat-like oh she’s
very cat-like because she’s a little 13
pound tabby
you’re married to a tabby cat I really
love animals and I’m gonna work with
more hi Mike well I think I’ve got all I
need
thank you for coming today well you’re
welcome when do I start well we will get
back to you mark great and if you if you
don’t hear from us in a week or so
it just means we’ve gone in a different
direction that’s the term we use okay
great and seen now Brian I feel like I
didn’t get the job that I laughed too
hard I don’t yeah it was very you know
was it seemed like I was sucking up too
much did I blow it there there was a
tiny amount of sucking up but nothing
too negative
you took a seat
to take the seat you you laughed at my
joke you told me I was funny which is
paying me a compliment you know kind of
blowing smoke up my butt but you know
it’s still yeah fine
you have you have pets yeah dogs cats
and and a tarantula which is fine but it
you have a an intimate relationship with
a feline well yeah we’re married we’re
gonna have an intimate relationship well
it’s gonna be sexual I’m sorry yeah but
first of all you can’t marry a cat yet
and and to you know the suggestion to a
veterinarian that you you you were
having sexual relationship with animals
is alarming I would imagine to most
veterinarians this is so hard as people
are learning jack people are learning
what to do in a job interview and what
not to do let’s try again okay I’m the
veterinarian you’re coming into my
practice you want a job all right what’s
your name my name is Sheila Sheila have
a seat Sheila thank you mmm I am sitting
down all right Sheila so you are
interested in working at my practice
tell me what is your past experience
with animals well I got a kitty when I
was in kindergarten and she lived to be
18 years all the way from after I
graduated college Wow
I used to volunteer at an animal shelter
a kill shelter where I would try to find
animals homes to live beautiful I did
two years of veterinary school actually
before I did I got pregnant
unfortunately and had to drop out I
didn’t finish but let’s see I typed 75
words a minute Wow
I like people I like pets I like to work
late I have low salary demands
I think it’s that’s about it Wow okay
and where did you go to veterinary
school I went to CIT CIT
yeah the cat Institute of Technology Oh
oh my god one of the most prestigious
veterinary schools in the United States
so you are you strike me as very very
qualified yeah thank you
Wow what would you say is your biggest
weakness it’s probably that I work too
hard
I’ll be honest we’ve had a lot of losers
come in here looking for a job and I
mean you you are a one top of the list I
mean you are qualified just have a
couple other questions okay shoot when
could you start well I do have a job
right now so I would like to give two
weeks notice because that’s the right
thing to do okay so you’re honest and
respectable Wow that’s great you you you
respect you okay that that’s a great
quality to have
yeah and salary-wise are you okay with
our salary it’s not obviously it’s not
super competitive but it is what it is
I’m fine with that that’s it seems fair
okay great and it’s what I think are you
a are you a Scientologist oh no I’m a
presbyterian oh okay well I’ll tell you
what we will we’re gonna be making a
decision probably sometime late next
week so we’ll get in touch yeah wait why
this good start
should I give notice I no no it’s good
you don’t give notice yeah we’re gonna
we’re gonna discuss in our in our
meetings and seeing what happened Brian
I thought uh she was perfect we finally
did it
US debt yes she was a phenomenal hire
except she doesn’t believe that Xenu is
the savior of the universe is that an
important thing it’s extremely important
I don’t know if you know this but 90% of
employers need you to believe that Xenu
is the Lord master of the universe and
if you don’t believe that you are an
enemy of Tom Cruise and you’re a
suppressive person oh geez okay I wish
you had told me that beforehand well I
was just testing you jack is that just
in the veterinary world is that for any
job that’s well they’re they’re really
in the veterinary world and Hollywood of
course they’re spreading like a virus
not too soon
they said Brian hey Jack so I have got
fantastic news we’ve got a guest lined
up today yeah who is someone that I
think all of our listeners are gonna
want to hear from because he is the
doctor who is currently leading the
charge on finding the Cova 19 vaccine no
kidding okay well so is Chauncey the
Chauncey Lyme Johnson Ron’s line okay
based in in Massachusetts and so I guess
he’s doing a lot of the research that is
gonna hopefully lead to a vaccine that
we can maybe end this thing early or you
know save some lives
I can’t tell you how important this man
is and we got him on the podcast today
that’s exciting
okay let’s have mine so dr. Lyme are you
there yes Cornelia no recess research
will be in an hour Cornelia yes hello
dr. Lyme it’s Jack and Brian in New York
City from questionable material podcast
oh yes I wonder why I was holding my
phone yes hello how are you great how
are you I’m a little busy you know can
imagine I coming up with a vaccine to
help everybody has got to be very time
consuming but very rewarding no no not
doing that right now I’m homeschooling
my children I’m sorry I’m homeschooling
my children I do the vaccine stuff on
the weekends so that I can homeschool my
kids during the week I I’m required by
law to to school their mother wise
they’ll be taken from me they’re not is
there not somebody else in the household
who might be able to to do that while
you perform very very important in
serious duties no no I have no one else
my wife left years ago you know I’m a
tough man to get along with but that’s
like like many men with the intellectual
stature that I possess I can be
difficult so yes that’s your question
hi no no there’s no one else I must do
it by the way can I show you no I’m
trying to teach my daughter Cornelia
curse
hmm she said devil of a time with
disease that’s so funny I had the same
issue not two days ago with my son who’s
learning cursive he’s in third grade and
with the the lowercase Z’s are killing
us yeah well she’s broke her wrist
trying to turn that end so hard
what Wow she broke her wrist coming
around the corner on the top of that Z
fortunately I’m a doctor and so I was
able to fix it I put it in a cast but
yeah she’s having a devil of a time you
have the ability to create a cast at
home
it’s just plaster Jack we can all create
plaster in the privacy of our own home
oh okay sorry sorry III didn’t go to
medical school you just cut up a bunch
of newspaper and then you put your dip
it in a glue paste each strips of
newspaper you dip in a glue paste so
it’s paper mache you made a paper mache
cast for your daughter yes yes it’s not
it’s a probably not it’s easily
breakable yes it’s I basically wrapped a
pinata around my daughter’s wrist okay
well you got to make do with what you
got to do but can we complete rough
times he’s a tough time well speaking of
tough times it could really use a
vaccine so you know when you think about
teaching a Dada cursive or maybe
spending more time working on the
vaccine is that something you I’m so
close I’m so close on wrong I mean I’m
so close it’s really simple actually
anyway it’s it’s crazy almost you could
like I was just saying you could
literally make this vaccine at home I
figured it out I believe it’s actually
you just take you take you you have
table salt right you won’t believe how
easy this is you have table salt at home
everyone as table-cell sure you take
table salt it buddy buddy get down okay
no buddy no get down from there cool
whose bunny is it a cat heart nobody’s
my son he’s my third oldest he’s my son
he’s at recess I’m trying to stagger the
recess out so they don’t have recess at
the same time and developed some sort of
plot to kill me uh-huh
I have to keep them separate from each
other they all hate me
what oh I do want to get back to the
efficacy but why on earth you’re paid to
your kids hate you so much I’m a
difficult man you know when you the the
trade-off with brains as big as that
dear
yeah people hate you okay but why
specifically did your kids hate you
I’m distant cuz you’re focused I’m
worked I’m very focused usually on work
this is the first I had to learn their
names on Monday when we started school
it was very difficult I’m still not sure
if that was buddy or not but there is a
child was on top of the fridge trying to
take a shit in one of the cabinets okay
wow it sounds well you you were giving
us you were in the middle of giving us
the recipe for the vaccine there was
table salt was one ingredient and um
table salt I say table salt good god no
don’t use table salt oh don’t you okay
oh don’t use table salt
I already and I started a bunch of table
salt in the in the hopes that things
would get better no Chuck I mean Brian
no okay no don’t do that no no no there
is a part of the you do have to snort
something but it’s not salt that comes
later you know what you need is a you
need a marble so have you ever seen this
is so crazy how easy this is great
please tell us all right it’s crazy how
easy this is okay so should kick in soup
you’re familiar chicken soup yes
yeah we’re familiar yeah okay so all you
do is you take you get some chicken soup
you can be any kind of chicken soup
store-bought Campbell’s soup whatever it
might be you take that and the way you
prepared though is very important you’ve
got to put it Alice Alice Alice drop it
drop it Alice no no I’m not sure if that
was these can’t all be my kids there are
so many kids in my house right now they
can’t all be mine how many kids you do
you think are in your house right now I
can see 13 from where I’m sitting and
I’m I’m in the Attic
Wow
yeah I tried to get away from them in
the Attic but they’re just everywhere
they’re running the running roughshod
all over all over my estate well if
they’re not your kids who are they and
how did they get there hold on one
second what is this oh yes oh I see yes
no don’t don’t stay that word no do not
say that word Tyler no sorry my son
Tyler is reading Huckleberry Finn for
school oh great huh and he seems to have
found a few choice words in there that
he likes to scream oh no you’re gonna
put an end to that real quick yeah yeah
tell me about it why is he just like
screaming Jim and stuff like that or
what clothes it’s actually the word
right before that hold on let me get my
copy Brian ask him a question
well I got that let’s say you’re really
close to having this vaccine and you’re
saying you’re spending your weekdays
homeschooling and on the weekends is
when you really work on the vaccine
could you maybe you know just swap those
out in the interim so that perhaps we
don’t know I can’t I can’t no I can’t
I’ve got they’ll take my children away
from me which meant to be between you
and me I wouldn’t mind but it looks bad
you know I doctor who loses all of his
children they’ll never let me work again
you know if you can’t you can’t take
care of your own house how can you take
care of the world right it just seems
like a pressing pressing thing right now
would be that vaccine and Anna cursive
letters II know you know you’d think so
you’d think so but no the state of
Massachusetts has deemed it more
important for me to teach my son how to
be a racist then for the world to be
cured of coronavirus my telling you it’s
it’s I’ve been working on the weekends I
have test subjects it’s very simple no
no I know you take where was I in the in
the in the word out chicken soup and
marbles good god did I say chicken soup
you did no do not do not no chicken soup
is will actually kill
if you have coronavirus or are even
exposed you do not go anywhere near
chicken soup okay so will they go back
you need to concentrate mana by the way
I got to that page in the book that is
you got a cyber kid you got a South
Island read it just go ahead and read it
no I know that’s a hard pass for me but
um can you walk us through the this
entire process of how you are almost
hearing the coronavirus yes of course
well yeah we need test subject we need
to we need to especially since it’s such
a dire emergency right no we don’t have
time for all the standard steps in
clinical trials and so forth testing on
animals and so we’re going straight to
human test subjects so we need healthy
people healthy members of society that
we can give the vaccine to and also have
a control group and so forth leave you
familiar with scientific method so we
what we’ve been doing is finding the
poorest college kids we can to inject
pumped as pumped full of coronavirus
vaccine and you know see to see if that
works
and it’s okay so far the problem is
keeping them inside on the weekends I
mean during the way they I get them in
the lab on the weekends and then during
the week I I have to keep them there
somehow so I you know I have to I have
to lock them in with a bunch of a bunch
of MDMA and beer and let them party all
week long so that they know that they
stay at that lab and every time I come
back to the lab there’s just just
disgusting get clicks it’s like a frat
house over there right now
what what’s it look like when you like
unlock the door to your lab and look
inside what does it describe the scene
[Music]
well it’s like if Hiroshima had been hit
with a 500-ton used condom
I’ve never been more sorry that I’ve
asked a question in my life yeah I’m
trying to picture the mushroom cloud
yeah I hadn’t really thought about it
until you asked but yeah that’s that’s
pretty much it it’s the worst thing I’ve
ever heard yeah okay so alright so you
have these people shadows are burned
into the floor of the lab from the
common my goodness my goodness doctor
that’s that’s crazy so what do you
suppose with a lot now you can see why I
keep forgetting what do you suppose a
bomb like that would have been named we
had fat man weigh a little boy maybe the
white whale Moby Dick well be dead
indeed the very same yes yes so how do
how do we test on to make sure that
that’s this works well what I do is I
walk I give them the vaccine and then I
cough directly down their throats tongue
and then see if they contract
coronavirus from me I I have coronavirus
I don’t know if I mentioned that you
have your own virus I fully fully have
coronavirus I’ve had it for years and
yet you have a you have a house full of
kids no is that yes they are your kids
and kids are tough they’re resilient
kids are resilient also yeah I mean they
that know that I’m thinking about it
that could be the reason they’re so
angry at me possible but yes III you
have to give them the vaccine and then
you expose them to the corona virus to
see if the vaccine works and there’s no
better exposure of himself than me okay
that makes sense sorry T Hoff down these
these people’s throats then yes or if I
can’t if they won’t let me coughed and
them sometimes I rub their eyes with my
hands or I rub their mouths with my
hands
so forth okay sorry my mind is scrambled
my mind is like cottage cheese right now
I just I can’t I feel like I’ve been hit
in the brain with a 500-ton used condom
I just I can’t think straight right now
[Music]
a shame your analogy work is very
peculiar yeah maybe that’s part of the
symptoms of the virus that you have in
your 13 you know kids you have think
they’re related oh you never know you’re
the scientist I mean you know loss of
taste is is a is a new symptom we’re
learning about cope at 19 and and so
maybe really yeah yes I realize about
five minutes ago that I’d had a piece of
ham in my mouth the whole time we’d been
talking and I hadn’t even tasted it and
I didn’t know it was there because I
couldn’t taste it huh gosh what what
happened between you and your wife she
she’s she slept with LeBron James and
there’s real no coming back from that
for really any other man that I mean I
know of so she pretty much I could cheat
a Newtons have to tell me I saw it in
her eye when she walked back into the
house that she had clearly thought
LeBron James and we weren’t gonna ever
speak again you can do when a woman has
sex with that man you can just tell
there’s no and I understood it and I
gave her my blessing and she and she
left and I didn’t even fight her in
court I gave her really almost
everything and just out of respect
LeBron was there I got to meet him nice
guy I’m sorry he was that at your
divorce hearing yeah he was there I
wanted him to sit on my side but he
couldn’t right he just he had to support
my wife so he sat with my wife but see
you’re a big fan Oh huge fan
yeah especially now I mean yeah but yeah
I’m you know you you you know everyone’s
a fan of LeBron James you have to be a
fan of LeBron James the man he’s done it
all you know you’re gonna virus yeah but
I’m not LeBron James I mean I couldn’t
have walked out of high school and gone
into the NBA yeah
fair point and I also can’t fuck my wife
[Laughter]
I’m sorry I asked doctor I apologized
that’s a painful subject it’s not I love
her I am I can’t I’m so happy I I call
her all the time to see if he’ll talk to
me on the phone and I Drive by to see if
he’s outside shooting hoops and I guess
he does that at the arena but yeah not a
lot of men can say that their wife left
them for LeBron James I’m not sure that
sentence is true but that’s all right
well Brian do you have any other
questions for a doctor lime I don’t I
guess we’re not gonna get that vaccine
anytime soon is what I’m sensing I’ll
text it to you I’ll text it to you the
second I mean I’m done okay I’ve got
I’ve got to go teach a Spanish class now
okay
no I’m learning as I go that world needs
a doctor the world needs you thank you
and the world needs you gentlemen – and
the world needs LeBron James okay okay
everybody his wife had relations with
LeBron James thank you doctor what Brian
I guess that I guess that’s all the time
we have for this episode
yeah oh is a real real gut punch there I
thought we were gonna be able to leave
our houses I thought that guy was gonna
cure it and then it started off so
hopeful and that you know we had we had
a future with this vaccine on the
horizon and then it just turned into
you know it’s not gonna happen anytime
soon we came really close to learning
the recipe yeah but he seems to be all
over the place
III think this pandemic is gonna drag
out longer as a result yeah I think so
and then the whole LeBron James tonight
you said your wife once had sex with a
division three lacrosse player is that
right yeah she knows she’s not into
basketball okay man I’m sorry she’s not
d1 ha that’s that stuff I don’t know
about you but I’ve had some down time
this week yeah when I’m not teaching in
nine year olds and seven year olds I’ve
had nothing but free time so what I did
was I strolled on over and I started
reading some of the reviews of a podcast
I like to call questionable material I
hate that show no it’s a good show Jack
Jesus it’s your show right it’s your
show okay so as you can I read you some
of these are reviews Jack I would yeah
sure okay yeah so the first one says I
like this a lot this is BS mo yeah this
is BS of a practically if you remove
sight gags and the cast and nanny-state
Bloomberg’s gets I think but I still
have much listening to do so since I’m
locked in my house this will do thumbs
up thank you Gordo SNL for your ears oh
yeah I like this what’s so good
recurring bits timely relevant content
we are at once treated to the jokes
while being in on it
killer improv thank you great format
very funny it’s Saturday Night Live for
your ears our sketches go on too long
that’s enough for you here’s so our
sketches yeah they should have ended
like 20 minutes before they actually end
no I think he means that SNL is funny or
he remembers it being funny at one point
and it’s for our ears Ziggy’s almost
like Ziggy is he is Ziggy is dance Ziggy
is jay-z so funny man this is funny
stuff exclamation point
still laughing I generally only give
four star reviews but this had me
laughing so hard I had to give it five
stars thank you PL pk just hilarious
give it a listen you won’t regret it
I love Bryan style of comedy sins are at
large wow that’s a call back and Jax
since the BS of a I was devastated and
near suicide upon the cancellation of
the BS of a and had given up hope of
ever finding another comedy show I was
just I was just about to use my last
bath bomb
aka toaster when I got an email it was
this I was saved now my days are filled
with laughter and irreverent humor
thanks questionable material so we saved
a life jack wow that’s really good I
feel good about saving a life yeah I
feel good about saving the life of
listener yes but yeah when one less life
is one less download Jack that’s right
when we got to keep those that numbers
up right clever and very hilarious good
I like clever clever makes me happy
the fake ads and the setups for The
Improv are top-notch movie scripts
inventions interviews and more all
outstanding prompts for The Improv I
basically never stopped smiling due to
the strong structure pace and length
everyone should try it I agree at your
dole yeah missed these dudes
Brian sack was the best thing going on
the blue he’s unless you liked watching
three fat dudes watch awkwardly while
Colonel Sanders cried Thank You Steve
Dave 74 oh my god
well actually watch the blaze yeah I
guess so yeah back in the day I mean
that’s that is definitely what most of
that programming was that is hilarious
these guys will make you laugh – – hard
haha thank you glad your content is back
no sacred cows best comedy podcast no
question yeah no question these guys are
hilarious they have excellent comedic
timing oh really
let’s try a jack ready okay yeah knock
knew it was that yeah you slow really
good chemistry each episode touches on
current events making them relevant to
listeners and the occasional guests are
very high-quality this is the only
podcast I look forward to hearing each
week I’ve listened to every
so did anyone looking for time’
sketch-comedy could should do the same
thumbs up well that’s a very good I like
that when I want to I wish I could like
print that and put it on flyers
I guess I could I it’s clear I like that
that person does clearly listen to every
episode that actually means a lot that
does ah so funny great hilarious podcast
I can see new colors funny irreverent
and have reasonable length okay well
they got me kicked off all three must be
a Joe Rogan fan well Jackie that was
another fun episode of questionable
material well be safe Brian okay Jack I
will and we’ll see you next time oh you
will you’ll hear us next time okay over
and out let’s be done okay thank you to
guest Tim Martin
[Music]