Episode 23 Show Notes

Episode 23 Show Notes

Up until now, we’ve been recording in the same room, at the same table, with the same equipment. With the new coronavirus reality, we have to record in different houses, with different mics, over Skype. It’ll take a little getting used to, but I imagine that’s the way it’s going to be for a while.

Really is the saddest St. Paddy’s Day ever.

We were just starting to get into the groove when Jack’s power went out. A nightmare scenario for anyone trapped at home with two little ones for the foreseeable future.

POTENTIALLY UNRELIABLE, AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW:

[Music]
brand-new music from Justin Bieber songs
called what part of don’t go out do you
not understand at the top of the hour
Dave Kelly of the mr. fixit’s show is
going to come by and tell us how to turn
your children’s drawings into toilet
paper also going to announce the lucky
winner of a six ounce bottle of Purell
but first questionable material with
Jack and Brian you’re listening to a
special shelter in place at issue of
questionable material with Jack and
Brian this episode homeschooling
sheltering in place and Jack loses power
in the middle of the episode happy st.
Patrick’s Day I didn’t even know it’s a
pet today until Betsy was telling the
kids to put green on this morning oh
really yeah I had no clue
I didn’t bother he’s not going anywhere
hi Brian
how is your quarantine going um because
of the rules of quarantine I’m not
allowed to tell you
oh are you sheltered in place I am
sheltered in place too and someone came
to my door today to work on our sound
system and I wouldn’t let him in the
house they wanted to work on your sound
system yes
what do you mean this guy was supposed
to come to different times and just
didn’t show and so he shows up today
really day on plague day I’m plague day
at like 9:30 in the morning just
knocking on my door I’m like who the
fuck is that thing on my door
how do people just not understand at
this point I I don’t know maybe there’s
knocking on my door just like can I come
in I was I missed you the last two times
I was in Italy but I’m here now I feel
very bad why because my 13 year old
received the most expensive bar mitzvah
invitation I’ve ever seen okay it
arrived via Federal Express okay and it
was like this it’s a big box it had his
name printed on the outside
and then you undo it and you fold any
like it opens up and it’s like this
hardcore it’s a BA I mean it you know
engraved and clearly a very expensive
invite for about Mitzvah
that will most likely not happen yes
Bonnie
I’m you know it’s it’s in May and I’m
thinking no probably not
wow did it on the inside did it say that
the Golan Heights are ours it’s an in
lieu of donations please help us destroy
the Temple Mount well you know do we do
what we can you know yeah so I felt bad
for them okay some cousins having a
wedding in June okay not so sure I we
were on the fence about going and now
I’m really you know leaning against it
but at this point it’s been decided for
us by Mother Nature
yes can we talk about the crazy people
that come out of the woodwork when
something like this happens it’s like
all over Twitter and Facebook and reddit
and everything else
uh-huh there are a lot of crazy people
yes right well there’s got to be an
example in your head well I mean there’s
just you know this is clearly an example
of agenda 50 you know what yeah it’s
like what you know gender 21 look it up
and it’s just a bunch of crazy people
convinced that you know either it was
created by the Chinese to get us or
created by us to get them or I mean
George Soros comes up a few times it’s
just like come on people it’s how it’s
really not it’s kind of disconcerting
[Laughter]
well that’s yeah that’s interesting oh
god can I get that to the mic we’ll find
out about your health my health
well I’m slightly concerned okay because
I have had a mild
like a dull headache and some muscle
pain in my neck muscles okay for a few
days okay don’t have a temperature okay
my wife thinks it’s psychosomatic
mmm-hmm
although I did travel a week ago to a
podcast conference in Florida so that
you know that kind of concerns me
because there were 1,800 people there
and you know we were it was a lot of
networking okay um so you know we have a
regimen every morning I’m taking all
she’s got me on all sorts of vitamins
vitamin C’s zinc and all this other
stuff honey
manuka honey which is more expensive
than gold and you know just you know
just being weary taking it easy I’m
sleeping in a different bedroom okay I I
don’t hug the kids goodnight okay good
so but now this is you’re sleeping in a
different bedroom than the one you
already sleep apart with from your wife
yeah it’s we it’s the French service
chambre a POW chambers are part mm-hmm
and so you have one bedroom for the male
one for the female we have an extra
guest bedroom for someone who wants to
be even further from their spouse okay
so so the the bedroom you were kicked
out of already yeah so that’s the main
room so your wife is in there and you
were sleeping in the other room apart
sexually apart from your wife completely
right and then you potentially got COBIT
so you’ve had to go to a brand-new
different bedroom yo what’s a room we
call the Attic okay yeah and it’s kind
of got a I’ve got an in Frank vibe oh
that’s neat him up there all day long
I’m not allowed to make noise are you
dying you out like writing a diary I am
I’ve been keeping notes
would you mind them I know it’s really
personal people like to sort of be
protective of their diary would you mind
just reading us like your excerpt from
maybe this morning or last night yeah I
just says let me see here it is bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored kill me bored
okay okay much the theme now now that
that sounded exactly like Anne Frank’s
diary as well yeah and her with him true
so what do you think well we’re gonna
find out yeah I’m just taking my manuka
honey so this is kind of a cliffhanger
like this is a way this is great that
you might have covin for not for you
necessarily but for the our listenership
because it’s like a cliffhanger so this
is like who shot junior this is the who
shot junior or what’s the General
Hospital what was Luke and Laura yeah
they just kept getting married didn’t
make I don’t remember but yeah who shot
this is the who shot junior of our
generation yes Brian kind of Teignmouth
kovat the podcast to fame posthumously
which was always a dream of mine oh man
I would love oh man
I’ve had your your you know the words
I’m gonna say at your funeral written
for a long time I imagine a long long
time just be gentle I will to your wife
oh hey baby it’s okay come on baby baby
she’s been coughing yeah yeah sweet she
had a dry cough for a while now are you
to make it a wet cough nope I’m not
allowed to go near her she looks at me
as that I’ve been bitten by a werewolf
that’s no I know that look believe me
you know like the zombie movies when
people may or may not have bitten and
everybody’s just kind of looking at him
and the guys I’m fine I’m fine
wait you guys stop worrying about it
that’s a great way in that face I always
grow a beard in an afternoon it’s fine
so yeah that’s that’s a daily routine
the kids are now in their eSchool okay
13 year old loves eSchool he tells me
cuz and I asked him why and he said cuz
he got a nice three-hour break okay good
you know certain classes they just can’t
do
mm-hmm Jim is just they had him download
apps so Jim Apple Jim pcs downloaded
like two or three apps for like walking
around you know pedometer apps that’s
his gym class that’s PE that’s awesome
what is there an app that he can
download to like um you know punch him
himself for not being good enough at
sports like a bullying app yeah I’m sure
somebody’s working on one now really
everybody’s rising to the occasion well
don’t you think that’s what we need to
be worried about Brian like you know
there’s so many everyone is reaching out
they’re all these things online and
schedules and courses and workbooks and
all this sort of learning but what about
the bullies I’ve been thinking that and
it’s sad I mean these guys have no one
to push around for weeks for sure
yeah and for all I know they’re gonna go
right through the end of the school year
and not be able to push anybody around
they’re gonna be at home the best they
can hope to do is bully people virtually
which doesn’t have the same kind of
effect yeah I mean they’re gonna be
reduced to cyberbullying oh well it’s
just not the same no and the hardship is
unfathomable for these kids oh god it
just makes me so sad yeah
I just worry about them you know they
the last thing I want for them is to
realize how much they don’t like
themselves you know exactly because now
they have time to think about it also
they’ll get beaten by their parents
while they’re sitting at home root of
all the bullying at the end of the day
yeah well then maybe they need to like
they just yeah I guess they need to get
online well this is what you know it’s
the same sort of thing with seniors you
know how they’re encouraging people like
maybe you know right people in nursing
homes some letters and have your kids
write letters to people in nursing homes
I think we can do a lot of that same
sort of thing with the bullying
community I think you know we need to
find and again maybe connect these with
old people and just have the bully if
you’ve got a young bully that you’re
raising you know find some disgusting
weird-looking old people in your
neighborhood and have them write some
letters yeah
I’ve been knocking around going to
people’s old people’s doors and just
knocking on them and give
I’m a hog and just telling them I’m here
for you it’s like you know I wanna and
then they they kind of look very
standoffish I’m like don’t be
standoffish and I’ll just move in give
him a big big bear hug and you know
whisper into the year like I’m here you
know uh-huh that’s how and so far the
response has been unit you know
unanimous
oh that’s unanimity is really important
yes when you’re looking for responses
yes sir I don’t necessarily look at the
type of responses I just needed not all
be the sound exactly I we all get the
same response every single time have you
like gone back for a second visit to any
of those folks I was I was actually
trying to this morning but there was an
ambulance in the driveway so I just
decided to wait oh that’s weird
yes oh well check back tomorrow and you
know let’s find out what that what that
was all about yeah I know it’s weird and
so how’s the wife handling covin she
Himes she we went and bought a ton of
groceries cuz our plan was to not have
to go to the store for a long period of
time so we have frozen meats and things
up and she’s been cooking like crazy
like she made fried chicken and waffles
yesterday morning I made steak one night
I sent you a picture to make you jealous
you did I was upset because it looked
like one of your perfect it was
phenomenal and then she made a chocolate
Guinness cake today first I’ll send you
a picture that to make you jealous yeah
please do it now yeah
what’s the sort of situation with her
lovers and stuff like is she able to see
them is that a virtual situation what’s
going on with the the men in her life
that she’s actually sexually attracted
to that what’s called a penis distancing
so the goal is been four inches apart
from your wife is that right yeah yeah I
usually tend to stay about four inches
away in this case they’ve been asked to
stay away by six feet which is a problem
for most of her lover’s except for long
Johnny Brian what does she see in long
Johnny six foot eight inch penis I think
no no he has none yeah
all he cares about is hanging sheet
and banging my wife so sad there’s a
Facebook group for that for that
subsection of America sheetrock bangers
yeah people wanna bang your wife but
also lay sheetrock I tried to join it
but I got rejected I think they know who
I am qualification you fell short on
have you been doing during the dis
lockdown
okay you know day one is a teacher today
I’m now with a teacher a second and
third grade teacher and what are you
teaching I’m teaching math but I don’t
understand math anymore
because it was cuz it’s common core now
or just because you haven’t used it I
guess why mean I like I I I sent my son
down and watched him do a multiplication
problem and I couldn’t begin to
comprehend how he was doing it’s like
all these weird things like what about
just putting like the the number and
then on top and then note their number
below and then you know if you’re doing
14 times 7 you do 4 times 7 is 28 yeah
you know right and carry the 2 and all
that the 2 and it’s like I’ve never seen
this before
Wow so what I don’t know we’re all gonna
learn we all are gonna we’re all gonna
either die we’re all gonna learn crappy
math maybe maybe for the next episode I
I can have an online school for your
kids well I was thinking about that we
should absolutely do that and I also
want the kids to come up maybe shortly
and they’ve got some kovat question says
ok all right
on this special kovat 19 edition of
questionable material so yes I’m a I’m a
teacher now and are you excited I don’t
yeah well I graduated eleventh grade
okay good so you can teach up to 11th
grade then I think that’s enough I’d the
teacher up to masters it’s critical
theory that’s true also I gave myself
tenure oh good for you
absolutely so even if I
you didn’t even have to do the
tenure-track he just got it I did
fast-tracked myself but um anywhere are
you proud of me for getting tenure I am
proud of you for getting tenure what are
you teaching history and social studies
and everything well this is only my
first day so far we’ve only done math so
I did the school give you any guidance
did they say here what you need to do to
teach the kids today I haven’t looked at
that only because this is I’m not sure
exactly what’s going on
we have workbook so I had the kids do
fill out some workbooks and just sort of
get a sense of what they could do and
and we learned that and then I had the
kids since today say Patrick say I I
read them some facts about st. Patrick’s
Day and st. Patrick then he got his head
lopped off and the outside the oh that’s
Valentine never mind
yeah I got a st. Valentine see I
shouldn’t teach history at least that
part no what do you think you’re most
qualified to teach fine if I had to
teach definitely history would and maybe
English uh-huh and then um you know
social studies shirt and then it’s no
math not my strongpoint mm-hmm
French a little bit okay what about
women’s biology I mean that you know I
could show them where the poo poo hall
is see III taught my kids that today as
well and fortunately for the tenure like
I can’t they can’t touch me all right so
Brian yes Jack now we’ve established on
the show already that you’re kind of a
medical expert I am
yeah recently we talked about that yes
so I thought now would be a really good
time for you to give some of your to
really sort of lean into your area of
expertise and to give some kovin it’s
just some advice for people because you
know that’s top of mind that’s whatever
we want to talk about is coronavirus
yeah so I was wondering if you could
just sort of teach people you know some
some tips and some things they’re gonna
want to do to stay safe okay
so a lot of people are stockpiling
groceries you and I have already talked
about how we’ve spent a ton of money
just stockpiling groceries so we don’t
have to go out but should people have to
go out to the grocery store what’s the
best way to stay safe ideally if you go
into the grocery store you want to
protect your face from the germs they
get out there wear a ski mask okay if
you have any kind of Fanning device like
a machete or an axe something you can
use to kind of wave the ear in front of
you just to shoo the germs away to show
the germs you want to create air
vortexes that drive the germs away so
you want to get out of your car
brandishing say a machete and you want
to start doing this swirling motion with
the machete as you approach the store so
like a machete fan yeah and it’s good
you know get out get out get out get out
and just keep swirling the machete that
will create a near vortex that will
bring the germs away from you carry them
away as you went to the store screaming
get out it’s so helpful in times like
this to have an expert yeah well I’m
glad that we have the internet where I
can help disseminate this helpful
information it that’s what the internet
is best for yes yes it really is as I’ve
noticed the last few days it’s really
good for spreading information yes just
really solid sound information so once
you’re in the store and you’ve got your
ski mask on you’re swinging a machete
around screaming get out you know is
there a way that you should interact
with cashiers because I worry about sort
of interacting with them because they
come in contact with everybody who just
goes through the line right so is there
a way to that you would recommend
interacting with them yes so once you’ve
gotten all your groceries
you’re gonna go up to them you’re gonna
keep continue to wave the germs away
with your machete and just say open the
cash register uh-huh because you want to
put your money you want to put your
money in she’s gonna say open the cash
register now okay and just keep waving
your machete okay all right
that’s great yeah they might just take
out the money and give it to you because
they’re worried about the future and
they see in you that maybe you know you
need help so they might as I’ve
experienced on a couple of shopping
trips they might just hand you all the
money that’s in the cash register which
to me is a lovely humanitarian gesture
that’s you know what brand that makes me
it’s at times like this when America
comes together and shows that’s true
character yeah and I just want to thank
the folks at at Hudson Valley Farm store
for generously giving me the contents of
their cash register oh that’s great yeah
and they were so happy they were
screaming with joy to see you know that
they were doing a good thing people you
know really rise in times of crisis and
I appreciate it oh it’s a and you found
that the people in that store arose they
wrote a lot of it you know yeah they
rose they they raised their hands in the
air like in praise almost like yeah your
jazz hands and it’s lovely experience
that’s great Brian and I think they
appreciated that I was trying to swirl
the germs away from them by waving the
machete out in front of me right so it’s
sort of like oh here is a considerate
man what can we do for him right and
then you know open the cash register
because I’m ready to pay yeah then
they’re like here you go here you go oh
my god this is amazing like they turned
st. Patrick’s Day into Christmas that is
the true miracle of kovat nineteen oh
man it is inspiring you know what I
don’t feel so bad now about being locked
into a house with my kids no it’s great
spending lots at a time hearing them
through the walls yeah it’s lovely so I
wanted to ask you um that’s a good segue
cuz that was something else that we’ve
gotten a lot of comments because I think
people know you’re an expert we’ve
gotten a lot of letters and emails that
people want to know sort of like if
someone in your family is showing
symptoms again this is something I think
you could speak to personally but also
just using your expertise what’s a good
way to within your quarantine within
your family quarantine if someone is
showing signs of illness what do you do
do you have a dryer yeah of course you
put them in the dryer okay 60 minutes
cycle
on sanitize oh hopefully a lot of dryers
nowadays have a sanitized feature okay
so you put on it’s a 60 to 90 minute
cycle and it will really heat up and
destroy the germs so it it kills all the
germs on and inside your your family
over yep and so okay so after that let’s
say we say you did a 90 minute cycle
because for it being a little extra
cautious right you open up the door and
then you assist them doubt or I’m gonna
find out in about 23 minutes who who did
you sanitize my youngest son started
sniffling just a sniffle yeah it is also
allergy season yeah okay you can never
be too safe in this environment okay
okay it’s very important for your kids
to get exercise yes so what are some
ways that you would recommend getting
some outdoor time getting some fresh air
and some exercise during the current
situation well there’s an app called run
Bo and you’ll have them download that
app then you go outside and sit on the
stoop or any outdoor furniture you have
and I activate run Bo and then it’s just
it’s like a little running stick figure
and the more you tap on the screen the
faster the stick figure runs I do that
for about 10 to 15 minutes and that’s
gonna kind of get your virtual cardio
going okay and then after that I mean 15
20 minutes outside I think is fine then
go back and back to the screens so it’s
it’s sort of an outdoor screen break
when you go back inside for more screens
mmm indoor yeah okay is there anything
you know maybe there are a few listeners
out there who would actually want to get
their kids moving like actually
physically moving themselves well yeah
well what we did the other day was my
son’s an avid skateboarder
and so we grabbed the skateboard we
hopped in the car we drove to the
skateboard park mm-hmm and then we said
you know you should be able to use this
in 45 to 60 days then we drove back to
the house mm-hmm and he went back up to
his screens oh that’s nice yeah that’s
very nice well um oh gosh you know a lot
of people Brian are doing their shopping
online and having just the things they
need delivered to their house yes a lot
of people are wondering can you catch
covin from the boxes that you receive
yes oh gosh how does that happen say you
ordered a basketball hoop yep I did
that’s amazing yep that’s the first
thing we did when we heard when we saw
the storm coming we herded a basketball
hoop and a souffle pan yep yep
like most Americans and let me do the
doomsday scenario so he pulls into your
driveway and he sneezes and then he
stops he goes up back he takes your box
picks it up goes outside hands it to you
you don’t have to sign for it anymore
cuz they’ve eliminated that and but then
you pick up the box and you you in
exactly the same places where he placed
his sneeze hands right so now you’re
transmitting right mm-hmm and then
you’re walking to the house you put the
Box down and you see out a deer in the
yard hmm and as people like to do you
know when you do that you see a deer and
you do the sexy pose we kind of put your
finger in your mouth and turn your head
and like look like this foxy glance yeah
yeah I know that look I don’t
necessarily associate it with fear but
okay go on so you see the deer and
you’re like oh I’m gonna give this deer
a sexy glance and you kind of look at it
you put your finger in your your lip and
you you look at them and and then the
dear of course hisses and runs off like
deer do but in that moment when you
touch your finger to your lip to look
sexy and sultry for the deer you’ve
basically let the you know Kovan virus
get into your body
thing and then it’s gonna start setting
up shop can you get it from sharing
needles can you get covet from sharing
needles yeah yeah
so let me give you a scenario if you
boil your heroin right yep and what is
in the spoon like they do yeah and you
suck it all up with the needle yes I
know you lick the spoon um right to
clear off the heroin and then you inject
drugs and then you’re like oh do you
guys want some consomme then he made
some consomme on a hot pot and he shears
a consomme with his friends using that
dirty spoon oh gosh yeah man a lot of
ways to transmit this thing yeah you’ve
really you’ve got a lot of really smart
examples you know okay well good that’s
good advice thank you just one more
question when Android real quick yes you
you you told me the kovat 19 you’re not
worried about not worried about it all
you’re worried about Cova 20 I thought
over 20 is the big thing so so what’s
the what’s the difference well well I’m
more worried about kovat 20 because that
actually is much more dangerous for the
youth oh and and it really loves
electronic dance music and that dear
audience is the point at which Jack’s
power went out
normally we record these podcasts
together but because of the current
circumstances surrounding the shelter at
home thingy and all that we recorded it
remotely and it sounded pretty good
until Jack’s power went out because when
life gives you lemons like a plague and
your kids at home and your work shutting
down for weeks it gives you more lemons
like the transformer and your
neighborhood blowing up
so are we decided we’ll just end the
episode here host it and because we have
potentially infinite time in the future
we might do another podcast
tomorrow or Thursday or Friday it’s me
Saturday who knows it’s pretty much wide
open these days so we hope you enjoy
questionable material and and if you do
please review it tell your friends
because your friends are presumably
sitting around doing the same exact
thing everyone else is doing which is
looking for something to do so this is
something to do good night