Episode 20 Show Notes

Episode 20 Show Notes

The website we used to determine that there was a Happy Ending Place across from Jack’s regular Pizza Place is rubmaps.ch which is a super classy name. CH is the country code for Switzerland, in case you were wondering. Please let us know if you discover something exciting.

The Florida gun range was called High Noon. They have automatic and suppressed weapons for rent. As mentioned, automatics are fun to fire but you’re just shooting money out quite rapidly.

The Sten is a fun but awkward gun to fire. The side magazine is weird, and the stock is quite basic. Much prefer the Heckler & Koch MP5, which is really fun.

This episode we didn’t end with an interview, because the bit with Jack’s daughter was similar to an interview. Plus we had a bunch of stuff. Also, the interview we actually recorded wasn’t working for us. We’re not sure why, but we killed it because we do have some measure of quality control, believe it or not!

AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED TRANSCRIPT — WHICH IS NEVER TOTALLY ACCURATE BECAUSE TRANSCRIPTION IS IMPERFECT, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S FREE:

[Music]
every candidate on stage vying for the
Democratic presidential nomination but
there’s a catch they’re wearing bunny
costumes
I think bunny number six said something
about Medicare join us for a full hour
of the mask candidate coming up but
first questionable material with Jack
and Brian you are listening to
questionable material with Jack helmet
and Ryan sack this episode a child with
questions exciting new diseases so Brian
yes Jack ermine I got I called you Jack
Arun you did I don’t know why I don’t
know that’s kind of a weird name – Kai
so I got a disturbing video that I would
like to talk about here I got a video
from some sort of militant child just
firing off an automatic weapon and it
was just it chilled me to the bone
oh that would be my son hmm what I was
in Florida Jack I sent you a video from
the gun range in Florida that makes
sense now when I go to Florida to see
grandpa hmm the older son likes to go to
the gun range and the name of the gun
range
High Noon isn’t that weird though yes
like there’s there’s at one place I’ve
been to a college shoot straight okay
okay which is or take aim those are cool
names right that means shouldn’t when we
did the show we were in what San Antonio
it was called bullet hole yep right
those names made sense to me but when I
heard High Noon like that’s the
basically when you’re having a duel
isn’t it like that’s the that’s the
title let’s have a gun duel at high noon
that’s right so I just thought that was
a weird name for a gun shop so do you
think they’re specifically targeting the
the dueling Audion the two Lou the
dueling market which is terrible cuz you
lose half of your customers right yeah
but they got we were there at the gun
range in there guys I go by the way we
have automatic weapons and my son was
like Dean the Dave just looks at me with
that please
that’s amazing so we we fired a take a
47 okay a Stan
in World War two Stan which was awesome
cuz that that’s something I really
enjoyed it and p5 that’s and he’s 15 is
that right he is 50 yeah and uh yeah
they’re from it’s just basically a great
way of shooting money cuz it’s just like
you know you put in 30 bullets and then
within seconds all those bullets are
gone and it’s like and that was eight
dollars and ninety-five said oh really
yeah oh gosh it’s gotta be five seconds
of joy and since they give us another
$10 to get out of money did he go to
money yeah we had to had silencers too
okay so we had a 22 caliber with a
suppressor on it and you can’t hear a
thing
okay I mean it’s literally like King
king I thought all this stuff was
totally gone apparently he’s nope hmm so
you want you want like a Florida man
story yeah there’s a little gun in the
display case and was like you know what
a derringer looks like yes I do I get
tiny tiny tiny thing so I’m looking at
this tiny thing that’s ridiculously it
can hold maybe 2 bullet to 22 caliber
buzz you know tiny like it you would
fire it with like you thumb and your
finger like you would hold it and I’m
looking down at this thing and I asked
him like like who wouldn’t who would use
this he’s like I used it like why he’s
like yeah saved my life I’m like that
like how he’s like these guys took a
shot at me and see how I pulled that out
and took a couple shots back and I was
like so Florida holy can yeah but he’s
telling me like yeah he was in
Afghanistan for two years in the Army I
like to think that he wasn’t in the army
but he was in Afghanistan for two years
just takes justice these tell me is like
yeah I go to Afghanistan and there for
two years I come back and then I got
people taking shots at me in Florida
that’s funny
I’m like damn and then he goes and then
my and then my old lady shoots me I’m
like what why pulls down his shirt and
he shows me a bullet hole in his
shoulder and I’m like oh my god was that
an accident and he goes no she was mad
at me and my son looks at me he’s just
like what like yeah and I didn’t ask any
more questions like did you put your
wife in jail after that or anything I
was just kind of great um so we’ll take
the the stand right now and then give us
some the ammo and yeah and then in the
car mic to my sound like so you know no
matter how mad mommy
just know that mommy and daddy have
never taken shots it was enough my gosh
that’s so funny so weird son we gotta
get you back to New York City where just
where the people just defecate on it’s
much better there Wow the stand was
really fun because I’m a World War 2
buff and so like that’s the one has a
magazine sticking out of the side so you
hold on to Anna’s like TT was like
they’re kind of their Special Forces gun
what do you love so much about World War
two it was such a clear-cut good versus
evil war but I would think that you
wouldn’t like it because we lost I wake
up every morning how where did we go
wrong
I know it’s where did we go wrong you
think they would have learned not to
open up a second front like they did in
the First World War
you you think and then but the best part
was like for the Russians being there
the Stalin and the Soviets being being
with so you had all these generals on
the front line mm-hmm
we’re basically saying hey the Germans
are you know loading up with tanks and
and they’re preparing it looks like
they’re preparing to invade and Stalin’s
like now they’re not going to invade we
have a pact and the generals were
Comrade Stalin I’m really thinking there
it looks like they’re going to attack
Stalin’s overrules I’m like no they’re
not coming to attack we don’t need to
reinforce and then of course the Germans
come rolling in and what is the first
thing Stalin does he shoots his generals
yes exactly
yes are you so predictable that’s so
awesome doesn’t all executed oh now I
see why you like the war you know so
night you just told me a story about
your older son but isn’t your younger
son’s birthday coming up soon yeah very
soon and he turns what 13 so you will
have no more young babies you only have
teenager it’s very sad to me cuz I
really enjoy that kids age I mean I have
everything between three so far and 15
has been lovely but like that young
check yeah we still play games in the
house and we still I still attack each
other yeah it’s silly and you know the
15 year old just won’t do that you know
and and the second that the your younger
son turns 13 you it’ll instantly change
you’ve told me right I expected to
instantly change and then wake up that
morning he’s gonna look like father
please leave like what don’t you want to
play attack the Nazi guard no father
please leave me you embarrass me I’m
done with you embarrass me but yeah he’s
still a little boy like it’s kind of you
know
yeah we’re getting
to the teen years I am well no it’s now
it’s not like playing silly games and
ticklin it’s like daddy how do you talk
to a girl yeah and what age you take him
for his first girl 37 so I got time
okay I mean you might you might want to
start a little bit before 37 I mean
first of all the odds are not good that
you’ll be around when he’s 37 so you
might just want to you know you want to
make sure they get him on his way and
sort of teach him you’re right about a
pleasure lady you’re right I’ll do it
yeah good so how do you find a good
reputable house there must be review
places online
I know there are hmm I know there are
cuz that’s how we determine there was a
massage parlor downstairs and there from
the writers studio or I was in oh really
yeah I was when I was working on a book
I was on the third floor of this built
walk-up building in Manhattan
it was a writer’s studio but on the
second floor was something it was an
Asian massage place but it just seemed
Shady okay and all of us on the third
floor like there’s something up with
that and the crowd that kept walking in
there after hours it was very
interesting creative people that came in
you know after 5:00 p.m. you’d see them
you know walking up the stairs and they
just always look guilty and huh and so
people are like you know that’s got to
be a massage parlor don’t you think
don’t you think and then so I started
looking around and I found a website
that reviewed massage parlors
so I created a fake email address
whatever you went that far yeah I wanted
to find out Wow so I created a fake
account or you logged in and she and
then sure no actually it was honestly
very surprised at the number of massage
parlors there were they let other happy
ending places I assumed I knew there had
to be some in Manhattan there are lots
of New York in general you can type in
the address you can send I type in the
address in Bing there it is Wow and then
I’m reading you know the reviews so
people review the massages and I just
remember like how pathetic the first of
all like you’re reviewing you know these
table massages and stuff but these guys
complaining and I do the woman wasn’t
enthusiastic and so I’m like picturing
like some you know 350 pound dude like
lying on a table and you know the girls
just not enthusiastic enough to stars in
that kind of stuff and but we found out
that for sure that they were running a
massage parlor downstairs that’s fantast
yeah oh yeah no they had they had all
these little code words all sorts of
acronyms that meant different things
well but the one thing you and I have
always joked about is them is how many
roses does it cause yeah exactly that
was it that’s a Craigslist thing yeah
yeah yeah yeah hey 225 roses oh I don’t
what does that mean
as the police sitting there like what I
have no idea what that means
this is baffling why do they like
flowers here we get in here this woman
loves flowers it’s like the imitation
game just trying to crack the code right
what do you think this means I don’t
know I don’t know two hundred roses get
a florist in here yeah idiots I love it
oh gosh it’s funny man full service okay
so okay so that that’s probably weird
you’ll take your boy maybe to that place
yeah yeah I hope she earns a five star
review on whatever that whatever it was
called well what was the name of the
website
rub maps no it is yeah I’m pretty sure
it’s rub maps rub yeah let me google it
yeah actually this is why we keep our
guest this site can’t be reached now
maybe it’s not I would take that money
oh really
or have they been shut down maybe they
got shut down by that whole uh you know
cop our legislation all that stuff that
shut down Craigslist interesting what
it’s rub Maps dot CH what is that that’s
a Switzerland this is it we should look
up seven-year neighborhood we should a
spa Cedar Street oh my gosh it’s right
across from the pizza parlor that we go
to is there a pizza I’m not even joking
yeah well there are 18 reviews of it
really yeah Wow okay good to know
rub maps dot CIA hates this episode is
brought to you by rub maps so Brian
yeah um job jack dude this question was
here with Jack Brian welcome to my
podcast
it’s our podcast and I’ve been here the
whole time if you insist I do you see
this thing attached to my leg yes this
is my daughter Eden oh it’s a child a
child a little say hi Eden I’ll Bank –
hi small female child so I’ve been
having some problems actually with my
daughter what’s going on with your
daughter well she asked me at the dinner
table we like to
we sort of open up as a family and talk
about our day our eyes our lows yeah
and me you know maybe things that we
struggle with and she asked me a lot of
questions okay that I don’t know the
answers inquisitive she is but there
it’s not just inquisitive nough Slyke
you know where the stars come from it’s
it’s like life advice sometimes that she
has for me and I don’t feel equipped to
give her the right answer
I was wondering because you’re a parent
of two successful healthy happy boy
wonderful boys wonderful boys a big fan
of your boys and I would love my
children to be like your so I wonder you
want your daughter to be a boy like mine
yes okay that’s one of the questions
that I have sure how can we fix this
female okay sure that she is like how do
you cure female absolutely
so anyway does that make sense even so
it is ok good yep good okay so she’s
gonna ask you some life questions and
questions that I can’t like I don’t feel
equipped and I really want you to guide
her sure I will I offer nothing but pure
guidance so think about somebody even
think about some of the questions we ask
at the dinner table and you can ask
Brian and he’s gonna have the answer for
you how do you make popcorn how do you
make popcorn it’s a really good life wow
that’s well I use two tablespoons of
coconut oil and you put three kernels in
and you heat up the oil and as soon as
those three kernels pop you add
one-third of a cup of popcorn and then
some salt and then you stir it around
and then you pour it on the bowl and you
add some more salt thank you a really
good life about I that’s how deep we get
it down yeah that’s the extent of my
cooking knowledge surprisingly I do okay
do you have any other questions like
about like friends or anything some of
the things that we talk about at the
dinner table do you know how to sew rips
yes to sew a rip you take two
tablespoons of coconut oil you rub it on
the rib okay
then you put the coconut oil soiled
garment in a plastic bag a ziploc bag
you seal up the bag and you write on the
outside of the bag angels please help me
you take that bag and you put it under
your bed before you go to bed at night
okay then you wake up in the morning and
you look under the bed and you’ll see a
little plastic bag in there all right
you’re gonna pick up that plastic bag
go downstairs and throw right in the
trash he’s getting really good advice
thank you boy I should write a book no
you should definitely not okay even yeah
that’s okay that’s well that’s some
advice do you have another question for
Brian yeah how do you get rid of beards
how do you get rid of beards well you go
up to Lawrence who has a beard and
you’ll say Lawrence I realize you’re
professional you’re an executive and you
feel the need to have a beard but I’m
telling you everybody sees through Linda
they know what this is all about you can
get rid of her you don’t need a beard we
accept you for what you are thank you
Brian for sure I’m glad you’ve opened up
that talk I’ll I’ll pick up that loose
later day yeah yeah and I’ll take that
loose sure I’ll put it under a pillow
okay yeah so thank you sure that great
job thank you
didn’t you have any other advice to
Brian cuz you can tell he’s really good
at this how do you know what boy likes
you
oh well I walk into the bathroom and I
tap my foot four times I stand at the
urinal tap tap tap tap if another boy
goes tap tap tap tap that means he likes
me got that that’s that is foolproof I
guarantee you and if it looks like he’s
in a stall with a wide stance then it’s
probably a senator okay okay good that’s
sound advice
sure um let’s see what else a bully’s
being mean at school what do I do
Oh bullying is a serious problem in
schools what’s the name of the bully
kinder joy kinder joy no first of all
anybody who’s named kinder joy is going
to be a bully because it’s a terrible
name he’s been named after a German
candy and he’s angry he’s lashing out
but let’s just say his name is Bruce so
Bruce is a bully what you want to do is
you want to kind of look at Bruce and be
able to in your mind picture him so okay
what is this here look like his eyes his
nose how tall is he how old is he
you’re gonna take all that information
and you’re gonna give it to my friend
Juan Carlos
yeah and you will never have a problem
with bullies within three to four days
wait a mess soon as the money is
transferred wait but what happens to
Bruce
nobody knows that’s the glory of it
because there’s no evidence oh I see you
know I’m saying this is man you’re a guy
to know yeah okay so that says so honey
that you understand so Brian no he quote
he knows a guy but it’s gonna take
15,000 to Fairey dollars so start
plucking those teeth out okay okay
remember that I’m your daddy and I buy
your birthday presents so let’s keep
going well I do I wanna invite ten
people to a birthday party and my mom
will need lets me have three so you want
to invite ten people to a birthday party
but your mom only allows three so 70% of
your birthday party guests can’t come so
what does she do sure well you want the
people who are coming to be your most
important friends right and you want
your most important friends to be the
most tactically proficient and strong of
your friends right so you want to put
them all in a room and what you’re gonna
do if you have ten people that’s five
pool cues you’re gonna break the pool
cues over your knee you’re gonna hand
each person a broken pool cue and you’re
gonna say there will be three in one
hour or there will be none and you walk
out of the room what will happen with
your friends is they’re gonna determine
they’re gonna take sides because they
know not it’s not every man for himself
because only seven of them have to go so
you’ll see some alliances form there’ll
be some back and forth they’ll be
begging pleading negotiating betrayals
but in the end you’ll have your three
best most tactically proficient friends
and you’re gonna have three really loyal
friends at the end of that well they
might be loyal but they’re weak chills
me to the bone they’re all strong well
okay okay all right they Mina Mina me I
mean it’s tough machine man is for real
she’s she’s the real deal yeah
she’s so cool all right yeah she’s the
best had some people say about me a lot
Oh who says that not me
nice Wow she’s mean-spirited podcast how
do I get more birthday presents oh boy
they’re going to bed at a respectable
hour and not interrupting parties how do
you get more birthday presents well
marry an older man you know marry
somebody three four or five times your
age you’ll get you’ll get better
presents so kids your age they have no
money so one that seven-year-old kids
don’t have anything so right now what’s
the age range of someone you should be
looking for right right now I mean you
know you get somebody in their 40s 50s
they’re gonna be able to buy you a house
and not a dull house like an actual
house yeah
Barbie’s dream house is pretty sweet
when it’s actually in Malibu what do I
do if I’m watching TV and then a guest
comes and my mom tells me to stop for
like 15 weeks but I can’t wait that long
what do I do
so you have a guest come for 15 weeks
what is that when daddy goes out of town
for 15 weeks or 14 and a half visit like
brian flatt what well excuse me oh this
is awkward isn’t it
yeah the segment over I’d like to talk
to you alone Brian I understand thanks
Eden well thank you for telling me you
get extra but this is how you get extra
birthday presents snitches get presents
tell mommy uncle Brian will text her no
what does that mean that’s just a
message what does it mean just I’m just
gonna text mommy goodnight okay Jack
where you are I love that guy that makes
one of us did you know that there’s news
that you don’t get because the Trump
news cycle just kind of absorbs all the
attention and all this news falls
through the cracks yeah I mean I feel
like he takes up you know all the time
on the news
yes yes so I go out and I find the news
that everybody’s missed okay what do you
then I tell you oh you tell us yes oh
yeah well you should do that that’s what
I’m doing right now why what why aren’t
you listening to me well I am less tell
you the news you missed what the item
look I don’t know well I don’t know the
rules of this game listen for the sound
Bernie Madoff remember him I do I love
that guy I keep I keep leaving him like
voicemails and stuff and he says and
responds and Clyde you invest with him
yeah Oh interesting
well the 81 year old mastermind of the
greatest Ponzi scheme in US history
says he’d like to be released from
prison early after telling the federal
judge he wasn’t a big fan of
incarceration hmm Madoff is currently in
federal custody at a facility in Butner
North Carolina and says that while he
has great friends and plays uno every
night and enjoys free meals he finds
prison life too restrictive and would
like to travel more plus he added his
bunk mates snores hmm Madoff has only
served 11 years of the 150 year sentence
handed down to him in 2009 after he pled
guilty to swindling investors out of
more than 13 billion dollars leaving
many of them in complete financial ruin
and resulting in the suicide of at least
four individuals including Madoff’s
oldest son mark main US attorney filed a
motion last Wednesday requesting the
compassionate release and said look at
him he’s an old man kind of looks like a
grandpa doesn’t he you wouldn’t want
your grandpa in jail would you look at
that old man Santa’s old like that too
you know come on
be nice to the old man in an interview
with reporters madoff promised that if
he’s released early he will not do any
major swindling and will make a point to
spend time with his grandkids whoever
they are that’s that’s a great story
good find thank you do you think when
when Andrew Madoff killed killed himself
he his Bernie went you know because
that’s how many kids he had left Wow
brutal
but isn’t it didn’t mark kill himself
Andrew H Madoff son of convicted
financier dies at 48
but are they both dead now I think
they’re both dead no kidding
oh wait a minute it looks like they’re
both dead yeah Wow sad life yep Karma
I’d let him out why cuz then maybe get
him back into business I want to get I
want to invest I get those fat returns
yeah those fat stacks I mean anyone who
can get a 50% return on their investment
I mean he’s really figured out how to
beat the market what a shyster a sexy
lady caused a Yonkers man to put too
much money on his credit card Saturday
27 year old Steven Warner told reporters
that after seeing the sexy lady in a bar
and buying her an $18 cocktail he then
asked the sexy lady if she’d be
interested in getting dinner after the
sexy lady answered in the affirmative he
took her to Casa Umberto an upscale
Italian restaurant where Warner told the
post he purchased high-end menu items
including a $40 black truffle garnish
and a very expensive bottle of wine in
an effort to impress the sexy lady in a
press conference held in the foyer of
Casa Umberto Warner said make no mistake
I would never have spent this kind of
money unless I thought I had a chance to
touch the sexy lady end quote
sources say Warner and the sexy lady
parted company shortly after dinner
concluded but that phone numbers were
exchanged and that Warner would most
likely overextend his credit card if it
meant a second chance at the sexy lady
sexy lady could not be reached for
comment as she had given out a fake
phone number oh yeah sad so reporters in
Yonkers uh feel necessary to report him
apparently Wow yeah that’s a big news
story out of Yonkers I guess so
Yonkers close to here Jack yes Brian
another story okay tell amidst we didn’t
we didn’t hear there’s no no I miss this
you missed it okay
a spokesman for New York City Mayor Bill
de Blasio says the mayor is stunned that
a policy of not enforcing laws seems to
have resulted in an increase in crime
citywide deputy press secretary Mike
Jeffords told the New York Times that
the lacs enforcement of laws should in
no way be seen as a tacit endorsement of
lawless behavior and that lawbreakers
clearly got the wrong idea when mayor de
Blasio told the police he’d like them to
not do their jobs
Jeffords said that corrective measures
are already underway and that anyone who
takes a crap on the sidewalk in broad
daylight in front of my son will very
likely get a stern lecture in addition
the mayor will direct the Transit
Authority to stop using the slogan
please jump the turnstiles and now packs
of feral teens who steal iPhones from
middle schoolers will face serious scorn
and even risk expulsion from school if
they get caught 16 times
NYPD spokesman Sergeant Tyler Martin
said that while the mayor’s new efforts
are a good start a bunch of miscreants
were currently vandalizing his squad car
and he wanted to know if he could have
permission to react wow yeah
tough tough on crime here in New York
really tough yep at one point yeah a
long time yeah yep the last thing you
need is a bunch of criminals with their
feelings hurt you do not want to hurt
the feelings of criminals absolutely
they that’s great Brian are those the
end of the stories that I missed would
you like it to be yeah it is so um I was
wondering if I could ask you about
something that I know you’re a big
expert in Oh Oh what am I not a big
expert in no you’re a super big expert
in this one thing you’re yeah I know
that um you tinkered around in med
school for a while yes and that you know
like a lot of rare diseases diseases
that like not a lot of people know about
right but then I’ve sort of heard about
and I’ve always wondered about you know
what they are what the symptoms are more
than that sort of thing yeah so wonder
if maybe you could just because you know
they’re probably some listeners who
maybe are a little shy to ask their
doctors or for medical advice and I
think you can provide this service yeah
absolutely
um especially in the age of coronavirus
it’s good to get out there with all the
medical info you have sure I’m happy to
tell you what I know I think it’s
important for people to just get as much
information as they can and just throw
it on the internet yeah and then
really is gonna help people yes yeah
okay good okay so um I was wondering if
you’d if you could tell me but I didn’t
even know this was out there I’ve heard
of a B and C but apparently there’s
hepatitis Z
yes well hepatitis Zeta we call it okay
it’s okay Sarah try to Z in the UK yeah
yeah yeah yeah hepatitis Zeta mm-hmm
as you know is a form of hepatitis oh I
didn’t know that yeah okay so you know
hepatitis C can be passed through
sexually transmitted to that pathways or
needles i needles yeah you know so you
have a lot of drug users things like
that mm-hmm
actually hepatitis Zeta uh-huh I is
exclusive to Catherine zeta-jones oh
that’s one of those diseases where if
you have unprotected sex with Michael
Douglas yes he’s bound to give you yeah
so yeah so it is basically they really
can all be traced back to Catherine
zeta-jones usually by way of Michael
Douglas mm-hmm has been fairly
promiscuous sure and so you can really
see like if you if you look at a tree
it’s really fascinating that you see the
tree of Zeta transmission mm-hmm it’s
really quite fascinating and a lot of
them are Oscar winners I’ve heard that
really yeah oh my gosh yeah but it’s
quite it’s quite fascinating can you
tell me some of the symptoms of appetite
Izzie or Zeta hepatitis Zeta the uppity
coughing oh wait what does that mean
it’s like a form of coughing but it
sounds more pretentious it’s like I’m
saying oh yeah yeah it’s like a
pretentious type of comical look at me
cough yeah mhm bladder inquisitiveness
well what then it’s you know you kind of
you feel do I have to go maybe I don’t
maybe I’m good wait maybe I can maybe I
can’t and so there’s just this constant
like feeling of of not knowing that’s
right it can be very discomforting you
know when you’re lying in bed in the
morning you’re like should I get up I go
to the bathroom but I hear I’m okay like
can I make it another 20 minutes of yeah
yeah so it’s kind of like terrible to
say yeah but it’s it’s like that all the
time any other symptoms that we should
be on the lookout for yes
Unger tation well that’s not
regurgitated what would Unger gestation
be when you don’t never throw up when
you know anything up everything you eat
comes out exactly the way it went in oh
my gosh yeah everybody doesn’t is so
used to not putting on weight that it
just passes food right back out yeah
exactly it comes out like a full rib eye
I mean everything just like look what I
thought I chewed you you should be gone
by now and somehow in the belly after
reassembles no way comes out yeah what’s
this a par simin ah you know yeah I know
I dunno yeah carrots yeah
carrots yeah okay wow that sounds like
so and how how is it transmitted because
I know it’s I know it’s Catherine
zeta-jones based but how does one
contract it BAE I mean if you if you
either lick or touch Catherine
zeta-jones or Michael Douglas or people
have been in their close proximity
within there’s a small window of
opportunity to catch it right so I mean
my best advice was don’t like either of
them I licked Kirk Douglas before he
before we lost him like how before like
right before like like a seconds before
he went like maybe you compromised his
immune system I did I was incredibly
sick at the time with hepatitis Y which
as you know is what you get from licking
Yoko Ono right and so I was like I was
well and then I decided to lick this big
this dying old man what party was this
that was a classic Michael Douglas party
Wow yeah with it Chet Douglas his
messed-up kid was there and it was just
like eyes just started looking shitless
or whatever his name is Chet Hanks oh
yeah it was Chet Hank then there’s
Michael Douglas has that messed up kid
does he yeah they all do don’t they yeah
all these celebrities wonder with crazy
kids yeah so okay so you contracted from
licking at Douglas and you’re licking or
touching a Douglas or zeta-jones
the best advice would be to wipe
yourself with you know Lysol wipes
would you now if you wanted to lick one
like if you wanted to look Catherine
zeta-jones which I think we can say we
all do right sure I mean like it can you
wipe her down and that would get rid of
it yes
okay yeah what should I use is the
transmission rate dramatically what
should also makes Catherine zeta-jones
smell like Clorox
that’s let that perfect that’s kind of
my thing okay I mean she’s normally a
share nail number five kind of girl okay
well it’s sort of yeah that’s I guess
it’s a different smell it is okay so and
she’s open to being wiped down by men
who want a liquor or I mean whitter FP
people I don’t want to you know you
could try I you know since tell me to
thing I’ve stopped just randomly looking
people man you’ve learned a lot yep
it’s a good movement okay good job Ryan
this is such a weird disease that I
didn’t even I’ve heard of the other but
I’m awake apnea awake apnea yeah yeah
what is that
well sleep apnea and of course because
when you’re sleeping and you you throat
kind of restricts your breathing your
passageways close up which forces you to
wake up so you can breathe which
disrupts your sleep pattern which
results in you not getting well rested
at night which can contribute you know
of course insomnia can make you feel
tired it can lower your immune system as
you know people who are constantly not
sleep and get sick a lot they give a lot
of hepatitis disease and hepatitis Z
they work with Catherine zeta-jones so
that’s so wake apnea is a restriction of
the fruit do we have it no Brian do you
have none I mean you should have told me
no that’s just in eloquence oh oh oh in
eloquence okay awake apnea comes
obviously in the daytime when you’re
awake and you could be sitting there
minding your business and your
passengers just decide they’re going to
close almost creates an alarming feeling
which causes you to gasp for air which
makes people think that maybe you’re
super excited about something so you’ll
be sitting there oh my god what’s going
on instead it’s so exciting if you have
great news to tell us and then you’re
like no I just couldn’t breathe for a
second and so there must be some some
places where you don’t want to be if you
have a wake apnea like if you’re at a
like a funeral services right you know
cuz they’ll be like you know Tim is in
heaven now oh my god did you see Tim huh
yeah no no no I just have awake apnea oh
god it’s so embarrassing yeah everyone
thinks that an Angels just appeared
before them right there maybe there’s
life beyond it that losing Tim isn’t
such a big deal right but then they
realize yeah or they you know may speak
now or forever hold your being a wedding
mm-hmm
speak now or forever hold your peace oh
my god steve has to say something steve
has something to say what is wrong with
the groom what’d you do what’d you do to
my wife that’s right what’d you do to my
fiancee Steve yeah no I have this desire
I wake up yeah sorry and then the whole
wedding is I mean it might is ruined I
would imagine yeah Wow yeah I can ruin a
wedding okay I’d say it’s just a bad
affliction um
do is there are there any known cures uh
yeah there’s something called the bamboo
shunt mm-hmm which is basically just a
bamboo tube okay about 60 inches okay
it’s pretty they just kind of put it
down your throat to open up the
passageway make sure the passageway
doesn’t close okay downsides of that are
you’ve got a bamboo tube shooting out of
your throat and coming out of your mouth
okay so you know it’s awkward just sit
down it’s awkward to eat it’s awkward to
talk to people
mm-hmm it looks a little alarming like
you’ve been impaled on a piece of bamboo
absolutely and well I’m concerned by I
mean 60 inches you know there are plenty
of people who are below five feet tall
yeah would that just just come right out
of out of them on both sides not on both
side like they’re on a spit no it’s just
this little extra coming out of the
mouth okay so if you’re super short then
you basically it’s gonna go down to the
throat mm-hmm and then halfway down your
esophagus and then it’s the rest just
can be sticking out it does look awkward
it’s hard to get in and out of cars okay
and and does like that does it sort of
like rest on the top of the heart when
if somebody pulls on the stick yes yeah
that seems it seems like potentially
dangerous it is Dan yeah very
uncomfortable I mean maybe people should
just like make an annoying sound every
once in a while instead of having the
bamboo shunt shoved down their throat
it’s an optional procedure you have
people do up to to not do it is it
typically covered by insurance Brian no
it’s not oh I think you were so excited
by my question I thought it was a really
good question no no no I was I was
excited the prospect of insurance boat
boat Sanders person you’ll get it you’ll
get it for free mm-hmm we kept them
awake apnea okay that’s great here’s
another thing I wanted to ask you about
the diverticulitis
verda tickle itis yeah yeah so
diverticulitis is when somebody’s trying
to tickle you and you direct them to a
different part of your body in the hopes
that they’ll try tickling miracle which
is not as ticklish so you’re diverting a
tickle okay and and that’s yeah let
seems more a game plan that a disease
yeah yeah diverticulitis uh-huh isn’t it
confuse with that other way yeah
okay so go ahead diverticulitis is a
disease that affects a small number of
scuba divers mm-hmm oh um so what
happens is they’re underwater and they
start feeling they have a tank on their
back mm-hmm right and then suddenly they
get this weird tickling feeling
underneath the back but I can’t reach it
they can’t kind of scratch it’s like
this itch you can’t scratch kind of
thing it’s highly annoying oh and it
happens to people usually when they’re
100 yards down in the water place you
know in the water place yeah and they
get the the annoying tickle yeah the
diver tickle the diverticulitis that
sounds horrible but probably for most
people that’s not gonna really affect
them that’s right okay so is there any
known cure getting out of the water oh
you should just get out of the water
okay that sounds like you could cure
yeah but for people who really want to
dive and are afflicted with this yeah is
there any known cure two tablespoons of
coconut oil uh-huh and you just rub it
on the afflicted area okay and that’ll
make a lot of the tickling and itching
feel go away oh okay okay that’s a great
that’s I didn’t know that was a savage
there’s nothing you can’t do with that
stuff that’s true that’s amazing
okay okay good tonight Omega threes okay
that’s really cool um here’s something
else this seems it’s like something you
don’t want to get yeah it’s called
dolphin herpes
yeah dolphin herpes huh well you know
dolphin herpes is a form of herpes
mm-hmm transmitted by dolphins okay to
humans mm-hmm well yeah
how well it starts with a cocktail okay
I mean idea
gin and tonic and you’re in okay oh but
you’re into dolphin herpes you know that
it doesn’t manifest itself unless you’re
watching Pro Wrestling what Pro
Wrestling triggers dolphin everything
and that’s where most people with
dolphin herpes find out that is so
fascinating uh what is it about the act
of viewing professional wrestling that
activates the the dolphin herpes I think
the spectacle of looking at something
and realizing it’s so profitable
it’s so ridiculous creates anger
impulses through your neurons uh-huh
that shoot down disbelief fluid into
your body which activates your
testicular Andrew joins mm-hmm which is
the term yeah no of course it is
and that’s cool yeah and that can reach
down into your but what we call the
bladder zone okay and spark like an
information and then it’ll break out and
then somewhere and then it becomes
visible I
this dolphin herpes thing is really
concerning to me well how can people
avoid contracting it gee tablespoons of
coconut oil flour and and you let that
soak mm-hmm and you you know you cover
your going in that okay Wow yeah this
boy there’s nothing you don’t know I
know a lot you know a lot well the
dolphin herpes well gosh let’s hope you
have you ever had a case of dolphin air
peas I I accidentally got it from
sitting on a toilet seat oh gosh
yeah so so that’s that is an urban
legend that is true yeah okay I mean it
can’t happen and then the last one I
want to ask you about is I’m Ashley
midea Sheila midea mhm yeah that’s
Jewish chlamydia she gave me slim IDIA
that works okay so it’s just the exact
same as chlamydia
but it’s Yiddish okay yeah Midea Yiddish
chlamydia know I sound like a three
stood you that would be a good three
stooges act right
you know poke the eyes like she has
unprotected sex
he knows he has chlamydia huh maybe huh
yeah okay
any known cures um you could convert and
then you just have chlamydia okay and
then you take penicillin oh yeah that
would be the way out
okay well you know a lot Oh Jewish
penicillin which is chicken noodle soup
Jewish penicillin chicken noodle soup
there we go well thanks Brian Thank You
Jacqueline thanks for know thanks for
all your knowledge
thank you for my knowledge you’re
welcome that was questionable material
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